Yesterday was my last therapy session with C. After a journey of nearly a year and a half, it was bittersweet to say good-bye and thank her for facilitating a lot of hard work and growth. She, like my blog readers, has been along for the bumpy ride of heartache, depression, confusion, new hope, growth, and now, love. Carolina Man came with me to the session, which was a lovely way of tying it all together.
My room is mostly packed, to the point that I can't find anything I need and I've only got those random tidbits like a soap dish and a pile of magazines to deal with. It's crazy to think that in just a few days I'll be starting a new life, not leaving behind my current one entirely but starting a new chapter.
I'm leaving without the slightest tinge of doubt about my decision. I can't imagine a better feeling.
Showing posts with label Therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Therapy. Show all posts
In Session: Exploring Infatuation
In preparation for my weekly therapy session with C, I was journaling about everything that had happened since I saw her the week before, and I contemplated what I felt comfortable sharing. I realized I was considering filtering myself. With my therapist. The person I pay big bucks to listen to me. That seemed like something worth bringing up.
I started the session by saying, "I really want to share with you everything that's going on with Carolina Man, but I'm afraid of what you'll think." Really, I'm afraid of what everyone will think. The few friends I've told about him are excited for me but understandably protective. They've seen me get hurt and don't want me to go through it again. Part of it is that other than my boss, I don't have anyone in my life who's met him, so they haven't seen for themselves what a great connection we have. Other than on the blog, I haven't gushed much because I don't want to feel like I have to justify the strength and certainty of my feelings this early.
And like the professional that she is, she responded with the perfect thing: "I hear what you're saying, but I'm not really interested in what other people think about it. I'm really curious what you're thinking about all of it." I got a huge smile on my face and the gushing began. "I'm so happy. I've never felt this way about anyone before. He's such a good match for me. I would move to North Carolina tomorrow if I could." She just beamed and said how thrilled she was for me.
We began to pick apart and examine the hesitation on my end with telling others about the new man in my life. "I'm afraid that they're going to think I'm just acting on emotions, on infatuation," I said. "What's so wrong with being infatuated?" she asked. Good point.
"I don't think infatuation is the state of mind I want to be in to be making big life decisions," I said. "I'm so used to being rational and logical that the idea of acting on a feeling, even as strong as this, is difficult for me to think about."
We looked at infatuation extensively. She explained that it's the normal, healthy beginning stage of a relationship, and while it isn't sustainable, it's an indicator of the important click we need to feel with our partner. The problem is when people think that infatuation is supposed to last forever and when things settle into the daily calm of normal life, they think the relationship has soured.
I've talked with C about my relationship non-negotiables over the last year and a half, and she could see that he meets them all. It was helpful to have that reflected back to me. One that she pointed out that I hadn't considered before is my need to know where I stand with my partner. The other guys I've dated have expressed interest and affection, but didn't want to clarify what we were to each other. With Carolina Man, I don't have to question that at all. He's been so forthright about his intentions for us and his vision of a life together. I love that about him.
I left the therapy session feeling relieved and affirmed for where I am in the moment--totally, completely head over heels in love.
I'm not sure what happened to yesterday's post. It's missing! Anyone else having problems with blogger today?
I started the session by saying, "I really want to share with you everything that's going on with Carolina Man, but I'm afraid of what you'll think." Really, I'm afraid of what everyone will think. The few friends I've told about him are excited for me but understandably protective. They've seen me get hurt and don't want me to go through it again. Part of it is that other than my boss, I don't have anyone in my life who's met him, so they haven't seen for themselves what a great connection we have. Other than on the blog, I haven't gushed much because I don't want to feel like I have to justify the strength and certainty of my feelings this early.
And like the professional that she is, she responded with the perfect thing: "I hear what you're saying, but I'm not really interested in what other people think about it. I'm really curious what you're thinking about all of it." I got a huge smile on my face and the gushing began. "I'm so happy. I've never felt this way about anyone before. He's such a good match for me. I would move to North Carolina tomorrow if I could." She just beamed and said how thrilled she was for me.
We began to pick apart and examine the hesitation on my end with telling others about the new man in my life. "I'm afraid that they're going to think I'm just acting on emotions, on infatuation," I said. "What's so wrong with being infatuated?" she asked. Good point.
"I don't think infatuation is the state of mind I want to be in to be making big life decisions," I said. "I'm so used to being rational and logical that the idea of acting on a feeling, even as strong as this, is difficult for me to think about."
We looked at infatuation extensively. She explained that it's the normal, healthy beginning stage of a relationship, and while it isn't sustainable, it's an indicator of the important click we need to feel with our partner. The problem is when people think that infatuation is supposed to last forever and when things settle into the daily calm of normal life, they think the relationship has soured.
I've talked with C about my relationship non-negotiables over the last year and a half, and she could see that he meets them all. It was helpful to have that reflected back to me. One that she pointed out that I hadn't considered before is my need to know where I stand with my partner. The other guys I've dated have expressed interest and affection, but didn't want to clarify what we were to each other. With Carolina Man, I don't have to question that at all. He's been so forthright about his intentions for us and his vision of a life together. I love that about him.
I left the therapy session feeling relieved and affirmed for where I am in the moment--totally, completely head over heels in love.
I'm not sure what happened to yesterday's post. It's missing! Anyone else having problems with blogger today?
Burnout
That's what I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing. I don't feel like I can give 100% to anyone or anything. I just want to lie in bed in my dark room all day.
The frustrating thing is I can't even tell if this medicine I'm taking is starting to work because my circumstances have been so all over the place since I began it about four weeks ago. While I was in Malawi, I felt great, relaxed, at peace. Then as soon as I walked through the door, I felt the rush of stress return. And then the SCL thing fucked everything up. Then I left for another week of hectic work travel.
My prayers have shifted from wanting everything to be good, to wanting everything to be neutral, to wanting everything to be not totally fucked up for a few weeks so I can see if this medicine is kicking in.
Seriously, universe, cut me some slack.
The frustrating thing is I can't even tell if this medicine I'm taking is starting to work because my circumstances have been so all over the place since I began it about four weeks ago. While I was in Malawi, I felt great, relaxed, at peace. Then as soon as I walked through the door, I felt the rush of stress return. And then the SCL thing fucked everything up. Then I left for another week of hectic work travel.
My prayers have shifted from wanting everything to be good, to wanting everything to be neutral, to wanting everything to be not totally fucked up for a few weeks so I can see if this medicine is kicking in.
Seriously, universe, cut me some slack.
The Accusation
"You're trying to manipulate me."
That was the ex's response to me crying that I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.
For the record, I wasn't. I would never imagine saying something that serious to someone just to hurt them or scare them. What I said was how I felt in that moment, but he couldn't understand that.
About three weeks ago, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I'd been having what my therapist called "depressive episodes" for over six months. These episodes were irregular and usually sparked by some trauma (usually having to do with the ex), but no matter the reason for them, the feeling they brought was the same each time: despair that nothing will ever get better.
With the help of my therapist and my own strong will, I managed to claw my way out of these trenches with exercise, eating well, journaling, spending time with friends, etc., but each time another one hit and I was hurled back into the valley, my energy to pull myself out again felt more and more depleted, and my faith in the universe diminished.
The episodes began happening at shorter intervals, every few weeks. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I sobbed to my therapist that I couldn't keep doing this over and over again. The next day I had an appointment with my primary care provider to discuss starting a medication to help me deal.
I rattled off the things I had tried to help myself out of this: exercise, meditation, good diet, regular therapy sessions, journaling, vitamin D supplements, self-help books, distractions. But nothing was was working anymore. I felt helpless.
"In all my time working here, I've never seen anyone try as hard as you have to help yourself out of depression," the doctor said gently. "You aren't giving up. You're sick, and it isn't your fault." I started crying; I felt so relieved to hear someone else say that what I was going through wasn't something a normal person could endure on her own. I started on Lexapro the following day. The doctor said it could take up to a month to begin working. So far I haven't experienced any relief, just fatigue and a few lost pounds. But I'm putting my faith in the pills; it's the best I've got at the moment.
That was the ex's response to me crying that I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.
For the record, I wasn't. I would never imagine saying something that serious to someone just to hurt them or scare them. What I said was how I felt in that moment, but he couldn't understand that.
About three weeks ago, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I'd been having what my therapist called "depressive episodes" for over six months. These episodes were irregular and usually sparked by some trauma (usually having to do with the ex), but no matter the reason for them, the feeling they brought was the same each time: despair that nothing will ever get better.
With the help of my therapist and my own strong will, I managed to claw my way out of these trenches with exercise, eating well, journaling, spending time with friends, etc., but each time another one hit and I was hurled back into the valley, my energy to pull myself out again felt more and more depleted, and my faith in the universe diminished.
The episodes began happening at shorter intervals, every few weeks. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I sobbed to my therapist that I couldn't keep doing this over and over again. The next day I had an appointment with my primary care provider to discuss starting a medication to help me deal.
I rattled off the things I had tried to help myself out of this: exercise, meditation, good diet, regular therapy sessions, journaling, vitamin D supplements, self-help books, distractions. But nothing was was working anymore. I felt helpless.
"In all my time working here, I've never seen anyone try as hard as you have to help yourself out of depression," the doctor said gently. "You aren't giving up. You're sick, and it isn't your fault." I started crying; I felt so relieved to hear someone else say that what I was going through wasn't something a normal person could endure on her own. I started on Lexapro the following day. The doctor said it could take up to a month to begin working. So far I haven't experienced any relief, just fatigue and a few lost pounds. But I'm putting my faith in the pills; it's the best I've got at the moment.
Love Advice for Your Mom: Part Deux
Remember when I told you about my mom's high school boyfriend contacted her out of the blue?
Well, apparently they've been talking. A lot. For the past six weeks. You guys, this is HUGE. After my parents' divorce, my mom swore off men for life. And now she's actually kind of excited about a guy? I can't help but feel a little giddy inside.
Of course, she throws in the self-protective statements like, "I know it won't go anywhere" and "I'll never move back to Alabama," but underneath that I can tell she is really enjoying this reconnection. So, I'm just trying to be supportive, listen well, and encourage her to keep the conversation going.
It's strange--when a friend starts talking about a crush, I sometimes check out because I'm still getting over the relative newness (or the acceptance of) my singleness. But the fact that it's my mom, someone who swore she'd never talk to another man, who never thought she could be pursued by someone, who never thought she'd be open to those feelings--it gives me a lot of hope.
I have experimented with dating again. I thought I was ready. I'm not sure I am just yet. I told my therapist that I pretty much get a sick feeling right before all of my dates; I have this deep sense of not wanting to go through with it. She said, "Sweetie, then why are you doing it?"
I'm doing it because I feel like in order to get what I want, I have to try really, really hard--balls to the wall hard. And if I don't date now, I'm never going to get what I want (hello, inner critic with your unhelpful superlative talk). But, if dating is making me unhappy, then why would I do it?
So, knowing that my mom has just been going about her life as a content single woman and she's found connection again--it just gives me hope. It makes me feel ok about focusing on other things. And, it makes me incredibly happy for the woman who's given so much love to me to be on the receiving end for a change.
Well, apparently they've been talking. A lot. For the past six weeks. You guys, this is HUGE. After my parents' divorce, my mom swore off men for life. And now she's actually kind of excited about a guy? I can't help but feel a little giddy inside.
Of course, she throws in the self-protective statements like, "I know it won't go anywhere" and "I'll never move back to Alabama," but underneath that I can tell she is really enjoying this reconnection. So, I'm just trying to be supportive, listen well, and encourage her to keep the conversation going.
It's strange--when a friend starts talking about a crush, I sometimes check out because I'm still getting over the relative newness (or the acceptance of) my singleness. But the fact that it's my mom, someone who swore she'd never talk to another man, who never thought she could be pursued by someone, who never thought she'd be open to those feelings--it gives me a lot of hope.
I have experimented with dating again. I thought I was ready. I'm not sure I am just yet. I told my therapist that I pretty much get a sick feeling right before all of my dates; I have this deep sense of not wanting to go through with it. She said, "Sweetie, then why are you doing it?"
I'm doing it because I feel like in order to get what I want, I have to try really, really hard--balls to the wall hard. And if I don't date now, I'm never going to get what I want (hello, inner critic with your unhelpful superlative talk). But, if dating is making me unhappy, then why would I do it?
So, knowing that my mom has just been going about her life as a content single woman and she's found connection again--it just gives me hope. It makes me feel ok about focusing on other things. And, it makes me incredibly happy for the woman who's given so much love to me to be on the receiving end for a change.
Happily Uninteresting
I was told, on another blog (and on this one at one point), that I write a boring blog. I suppose it was meant to be an insult, but I didn't receive it that way. In part, I have to kind of agree: my blog is not all that interesting as of late. And believe it or not, I'm actually kind of happy about that.
A few months ago I was blogging daily, getting tons of hits, and receiving loads of comments. Ah, those were the days. Except for the fact that I was dealing with terrible heartache. While it was a temporary ego-boost to have more readers and to have new comments every time I logged into blogger, sadly that didn't make things in real life any less shitty. If I had to choose between having a lot of blog readers and not feeling shitty, guess which one I'd pick. The same applies to being subjected to horribly awkward first dates. Fun to blog about, not fun to endure. Plus you've already got Katie blowing that shit out of the water. .
Sitting in therapy today, I struggled to find anything over the last week that I felt was in need of serious conversation. Strangely, the same thing had happened at last week's session, too. At first I felt like this was because I hadn't been reflecting on my life enough (self-judgment), but then I saw that it has simply been a time of...normalcy. Took me awhile to recognize it. Sure, the remnants of homesickness are still there, as are the ever-passing thoughts of moving somewhere else, but I'm not longer feeling like I'm in some inescapable abyss that I'll never pull out of. And contrary to my own belief that I have to work really hard to get anywhere with anything, I didn't have to do shit to get out of it other than wait and accept that was where I was. It was in the not-doing that I was lifted out. Who knows if I'll find myself back there next week or next month, but for now, I'm out. That is something to give thanks for.
Maybe my life is boring. Or maybe it's actually just what life looks like when the storm has exhausted itself and the calm and stillness set in. After the ups and downs of the last few months, I'm grateful for this unfamiliar peace. I'm grateful that the excitement in my life is coming through attending a counter-protest in yesterday's freezing cold weather, getting interviewed by a news website, Christmas shopping for my Star Wars-obsessed nephew, celebrating my friend's retirement, and eating sweet potato latkes for the first time. Non-boy related things, things I typically don't talk about in my blog. Things I keep within my own heart and my community in real life.
Maybe it's boring to read about. But it's sweet to live it. And really, that's all that matters to me.
P.S. You still have time to enter my giveaway!
A few months ago I was blogging daily, getting tons of hits, and receiving loads of comments. Ah, those were the days. Except for the fact that I was dealing with terrible heartache. While it was a temporary ego-boost to have more readers and to have new comments every time I logged into blogger, sadly that didn't make things in real life any less shitty. If I had to choose between having a lot of blog readers and not feeling shitty, guess which one I'd pick. The same applies to being subjected to horribly awkward first dates. Fun to blog about, not fun to endure. Plus you've already got Katie blowing that shit out of the water. .
Sitting in therapy today, I struggled to find anything over the last week that I felt was in need of serious conversation. Strangely, the same thing had happened at last week's session, too. At first I felt like this was because I hadn't been reflecting on my life enough (self-judgment), but then I saw that it has simply been a time of...normalcy. Took me awhile to recognize it. Sure, the remnants of homesickness are still there, as are the ever-passing thoughts of moving somewhere else, but I'm not longer feeling like I'm in some inescapable abyss that I'll never pull out of. And contrary to my own belief that I have to work really hard to get anywhere with anything, I didn't have to do shit to get out of it other than wait and accept that was where I was. It was in the not-doing that I was lifted out. Who knows if I'll find myself back there next week or next month, but for now, I'm out. That is something to give thanks for.
Maybe my life is boring. Or maybe it's actually just what life looks like when the storm has exhausted itself and the calm and stillness set in. After the ups and downs of the last few months, I'm grateful for this unfamiliar peace. I'm grateful that the excitement in my life is coming through attending a counter-protest in yesterday's freezing cold weather, getting interviewed by a news website, Christmas shopping for my Star Wars-obsessed nephew, celebrating my friend's retirement, and eating sweet potato latkes for the first time. Non-boy related things, things I typically don't talk about in my blog. Things I keep within my own heart and my community in real life.
Maybe it's boring to read about. But it's sweet to live it. And really, that's all that matters to me.
P.S. You still have time to enter my giveaway!
Friends in Low Places?
"All logistics aside, whom among your friends here would you want to be with you right now?" my therapist C asked.
Just minutes before I'd given her a laundry list of depression-like symptoms I'd been experiencing over the past several weeks: anxiety, inability to focus, excessive sleep, weight loss. Overall I felt like I was being pulled underwater by an undertow, or riding my bike uphill with a full-force wind gusting against me. No matter how much I fought, I could not seem to pull myself up. For a relatively competent, strong-willed person, this was proving to be...well, depressing.
Of course the break-up and subsequent flailing about have been tough on me. But lately it had begun intensifying, and the feelings of sadness were becoming more extreme and debilitating. I've had my bouts of gloominess and mourning at different times in my life, but never had I experienced the despair of feeling like I could not get out of bed, could not take a shower, could not function normally. And it was freaking me the hell out. Part of me was hoping she'd say, "Let's get you an appointment with a psychiatrist." Let me pop some pills, let me be abdicated of any responsibility. But the symptoms were relatively new. At least for the time being it was "episodic," a "depressive state."
In addition to feeling like shit, I was feeling isolated, too. At some of my hardest moments, all I wanted was some company, to be with somebody else. But when C asked me the question, "Who do you want to be here?" and I mentally went through my list of friends in the area, I could not come up with a single person I felt I could call to come sit with me in my puffy-eyed, unshowered misery. "I can't think of anyone." The truth killed me.
Somehow in the following days I managed to get my momentum going. I forced myself out of the house, to happy hours, to friends' houses, to the gym. I bought myself ingredients to make my favorite soup and cozy new sweatpants. I practiced the kindness to self that's so new to me. And by the next week I returned to my time with C feeling like things were getting back to normal again.
Feeling normal, that is, until my weekend in North Carolina when I was reminded of what it's like to be loved and known. I cried the entire six hour drive back to DC. I kept saying to myself, "Why am I torturing myself by living here?" Hell, even if I was just as miserable in NC, at least I'd have friends there who care for me just down the road and family close by. And since then I've barely managed to get out of bed. I'm back down in the valley and feeling more discouraged than before. How can I muster up the energy to pull myself out of this shit yet again?
I see now that what I really want is what I'm lacking most here. Not friends, not acquaintances, not social groups, not outings, not happy hours. It's the feeling of belonging somewhere. Of having friends who not only are up for a night out but are there in the dark places. Of having community, connection, realness. The person I have that most with here is SCL.
My friend L said it best: "It's like you are having to fight for every ounce of happiness you have there." That's exactly how it feels--a fight, a battle both internal and external. And I'm just getting exhausted. C says it's normal to feel like there won't be anything other than these feelings. I guess in that way at least I'm "normal" because I'm just not seeing a way out of this one.
Just minutes before I'd given her a laundry list of depression-like symptoms I'd been experiencing over the past several weeks: anxiety, inability to focus, excessive sleep, weight loss. Overall I felt like I was being pulled underwater by an undertow, or riding my bike uphill with a full-force wind gusting against me. No matter how much I fought, I could not seem to pull myself up. For a relatively competent, strong-willed person, this was proving to be...well, depressing.
Of course the break-up and subsequent flailing about have been tough on me. But lately it had begun intensifying, and the feelings of sadness were becoming more extreme and debilitating. I've had my bouts of gloominess and mourning at different times in my life, but never had I experienced the despair of feeling like I could not get out of bed, could not take a shower, could not function normally. And it was freaking me the hell out. Part of me was hoping she'd say, "Let's get you an appointment with a psychiatrist." Let me pop some pills, let me be abdicated of any responsibility. But the symptoms were relatively new. At least for the time being it was "episodic," a "depressive state."
In addition to feeling like shit, I was feeling isolated, too. At some of my hardest moments, all I wanted was some company, to be with somebody else. But when C asked me the question, "Who do you want to be here?" and I mentally went through my list of friends in the area, I could not come up with a single person I felt I could call to come sit with me in my puffy-eyed, unshowered misery. "I can't think of anyone." The truth killed me.
Somehow in the following days I managed to get my momentum going. I forced myself out of the house, to happy hours, to friends' houses, to the gym. I bought myself ingredients to make my favorite soup and cozy new sweatpants. I practiced the kindness to self that's so new to me. And by the next week I returned to my time with C feeling like things were getting back to normal again.
Feeling normal, that is, until my weekend in North Carolina when I was reminded of what it's like to be loved and known. I cried the entire six hour drive back to DC. I kept saying to myself, "Why am I torturing myself by living here?" Hell, even if I was just as miserable in NC, at least I'd have friends there who care for me just down the road and family close by. And since then I've barely managed to get out of bed. I'm back down in the valley and feeling more discouraged than before. How can I muster up the energy to pull myself out of this shit yet again?
I see now that what I really want is what I'm lacking most here. Not friends, not acquaintances, not social groups, not outings, not happy hours. It's the feeling of belonging somewhere. Of having friends who not only are up for a night out but are there in the dark places. Of having community, connection, realness. The person I have that most with here is SCL.
My friend L said it best: "It's like you are having to fight for every ounce of happiness you have there." That's exactly how it feels--a fight, a battle both internal and external. And I'm just getting exhausted. C says it's normal to feel like there won't be anything other than these feelings. I guess in that way at least I'm "normal" because I'm just not seeing a way out of this one.
On Being a "Nice Girl": Week Thirteen of Therapy
I managed to pull myself out of the slump I was in last week through various means: Zumba class, Glee with friends, turning down dates, a Batgirl costume, and attending church. But the real kicker was the intentional focus on my self-talk and shifting toward being a better friend to myself.
I'm finding that like most changes, it's a matter of pushing through that initial stubborn, slow start where it feels as if it's taking all of my energy simply to get going. But once I've pushed over that hump, it's easier to maintain that trajectory. For example, I felt terrible when Mr. Tennis Pro, who'd been calling for weeks, finally asked me for a date and I turned him down. I hated the idea of disappointing him, even though we'd never met before.
And this is where the whole "Nice Girl" complex comes into play. C and I talked about this extensively in my session today, how girls often are taught to be nice, obliging others and putting their own desires and needs at the bottom of the list. In elementary school, I had a friend who always let me decide what we were going to play--if I were at her house, she'd say that I was the guest and that's why I got to pick; if we were at my house, she'd say it was my house and that's why I got to pick. Kind of a silly example, but I think the point is clear enough.
The remnants of the "nice girl" complex are alive and well in this 27-year-old. And I can see now how it's been a barrier to being something much better than nice--being kind. Especially to myself. I felt like Mr. Tennis Pro had been so sweet, patient, and consistent--why wasn't I giving him a chance? I felt like I should give him a chance. But then I remembered, this isn't what I want right now. Yes, he was disappointed, but I knew that going out on a date with him was not what was right for me.
I can already see how I'm trying to change: in my decisions to stop trying so hard in the romance department; to cut off ties with Dr. Not-so-much; to be more careful in what I choose to share on this blog (and spend more time in my personal journal); to ask for space in my office to get me out of the house more often; to let certain calls go to voice mail. It's a process, and like most things, I'm expecting a roller coaster, not a steady uphill climb. But, I do know that I am feeling infinitely better than I was just a week ago, not only because I've been doing the external things to lift my spirits but also because I'm getting a handle on changing the internal.
I'm finding that like most changes, it's a matter of pushing through that initial stubborn, slow start where it feels as if it's taking all of my energy simply to get going. But once I've pushed over that hump, it's easier to maintain that trajectory. For example, I felt terrible when Mr. Tennis Pro, who'd been calling for weeks, finally asked me for a date and I turned him down. I hated the idea of disappointing him, even though we'd never met before.
And this is where the whole "Nice Girl" complex comes into play. C and I talked about this extensively in my session today, how girls often are taught to be nice, obliging others and putting their own desires and needs at the bottom of the list. In elementary school, I had a friend who always let me decide what we were going to play--if I were at her house, she'd say that I was the guest and that's why I got to pick; if we were at my house, she'd say it was my house and that's why I got to pick. Kind of a silly example, but I think the point is clear enough.
The remnants of the "nice girl" complex are alive and well in this 27-year-old. And I can see now how it's been a barrier to being something much better than nice--being kind. Especially to myself. I felt like Mr. Tennis Pro had been so sweet, patient, and consistent--why wasn't I giving him a chance? I felt like I should give him a chance. But then I remembered, this isn't what I want right now. Yes, he was disappointed, but I knew that going out on a date with him was not what was right for me.
I can already see how I'm trying to change: in my decisions to stop trying so hard in the romance department; to cut off ties with Dr. Not-so-much; to be more careful in what I choose to share on this blog (and spend more time in my personal journal); to ask for space in my office to get me out of the house more often; to let certain calls go to voice mail. It's a process, and like most things, I'm expecting a roller coaster, not a steady uphill climb. But, I do know that I am feeling infinitely better than I was just a week ago, not only because I've been doing the external things to lift my spirits but also because I'm getting a handle on changing the internal.
In Session: Week 12ish? in Therapy
Honestly, I've lost track of which therapy session today was. I must be getting into the teens, but it doesn't really matter. Here are some take aways.
What I Need:
What I Need:
- Kindness and gentleness to myself, to treat myself like I would a hurting friend
- Company of friends
- Maybe to get away from DC for a bit (a real break, not a work trip, family trip, etc.)
- Social time, as difficult as it is to motivate myself
- Maybe a Vitamin B complex supplement
What I Don't Need:
- Stress about Dr. Nutrition or any boy
- Stress about why I am the way that I am
- Over fixation on self-improvement
- Self-flagellation
Things That Do Help:
- Exercise
- Massage
- Getting good sleep
- Reading
- Spending time with people
Things That Do Not Help:
- Online dating sites
- Texting
- Technology in general
- Trying to fix myself
- Shopping
Basically, my impulse is to ask the "why" questions. It's my way of coping with chaos and disconnection. And while I could just suck it up and get through this time, it might not be the way I want to do it. It's not the way I'd treat a friend, screaming at her for not being able to get it together after she'd been through hell. So, I guess I'll try this gentle, encouraging thing and see what happens.
Too Good to Be True
It makes me sad to write this post because it means my romance with Dr. Nutrition is over. I hesitantly wrote that I was a bit concerned that he hadn't contacted me since our date on Wednesday, and sadly nothing has changed.
After pole-dancing class (yes, pole-dancing--and it was hard as hell!) with my friend M, we went to have a beer. She is a dating expert, if such a thing exists, and I told her the whole story. Her response was simply, "What the fuck?!" She said, "You have a right to know what's going on. His communication pattern has changed, and he's not keeping you in the loop. You're half of the equation and you have a right to know what's going on." She also added that she doesn't have time to play the waiting game and would rather cut to the chase.
On my way home, I jokingly texted him that I was fairly certain I didn't have a career in pole-dancing ahead of me and asked if he had time to chat. No response. About an hour later, I decided to give him a call. No response. I left him a message, "Haven't heard from you in a few days and was wondering if we could chat before I leave town." No response. No response. No response. No phone call. No text. No email this morning. No Facebook chat. Nada.
I went into my therapy session with C on the brink of tears, and as soon as the door was shut, I started crying. I have so much else going on with this 3-week cross-country trip with a woman from Kenya, but all I can think about is how I just got duped by a guy I mistook for one of the good ones. You all were fooled too, right? What, with the ballroom lessons, the telling his mom about me, the "You're a beautiful person," the date after date routine? WTF?! I repeat, WTF?!
There were no red flags. No signs that he was wavering. Nothing to make me think he was just going to start being a dick and blowing me off. At least with SCL there were warning signs, even if I didn't want to admit it. I. Just. Don't. GET. IT.
Yes, I could excuse him. I could say that he's changing jobs or his phone broke or that he was just busy. But those are excuses, none of which I'm buying. I'm pissed off that he has yet to muster up the decency to say, "Hey, I changed my mind." For a guy who claims to be fearless, he seems like quite the coward right now. A coward I'd love to punch in the face!
So, what to do now? When it has been a full 24 hours, I will send him a final email, ending with "If I don't hear from you, I assume you don't want to see me anymore." Because I'm done with his hot-then-cold of the Katy Perry variety bullshit.
And I also priority shipped a copy of Self-Esteem because clearly I'm going to need some building up again after this disappointment.
After pole-dancing class (yes, pole-dancing--and it was hard as hell!) with my friend M, we went to have a beer. She is a dating expert, if such a thing exists, and I told her the whole story. Her response was simply, "What the fuck?!" She said, "You have a right to know what's going on. His communication pattern has changed, and he's not keeping you in the loop. You're half of the equation and you have a right to know what's going on." She also added that she doesn't have time to play the waiting game and would rather cut to the chase.
On my way home, I jokingly texted him that I was fairly certain I didn't have a career in pole-dancing ahead of me and asked if he had time to chat. No response. About an hour later, I decided to give him a call. No response. I left him a message, "Haven't heard from you in a few days and was wondering if we could chat before I leave town." No response. No response. No response. No phone call. No text. No email this morning. No Facebook chat. Nada.
I went into my therapy session with C on the brink of tears, and as soon as the door was shut, I started crying. I have so much else going on with this 3-week cross-country trip with a woman from Kenya, but all I can think about is how I just got duped by a guy I mistook for one of the good ones. You all were fooled too, right? What, with the ballroom lessons, the telling his mom about me, the "You're a beautiful person," the date after date routine? WTF?! I repeat, WTF?!
There were no red flags. No signs that he was wavering. Nothing to make me think he was just going to start being a dick and blowing me off. At least with SCL there were warning signs, even if I didn't want to admit it. I. Just. Don't. GET. IT.
Yes, I could excuse him. I could say that he's changing jobs or his phone broke or that he was just busy. But those are excuses, none of which I'm buying. I'm pissed off that he has yet to muster up the decency to say, "Hey, I changed my mind." For a guy who claims to be fearless, he seems like quite the coward right now. A coward I'd love to punch in the face!
So, what to do now? When it has been a full 24 hours, I will send him a final email, ending with "If I don't hear from you, I assume you don't want to see me anymore." Because I'm done with his hot-then-cold of the Katy Perry variety bullshit.
And I also priority shipped a copy of Self-Esteem because clearly I'm going to need some building up again after this disappointment.
Back in Session: Week Nine of Therapy
When I went to my last therapy session at the end of May, things were looking a lot different than they do now, to say the least. I wasn't happy. I was still in the old apartment. SCL and I were still together and fighting over the couch. She was uber preggers.Yesterday I hardly recognized her without the belly!
With only 50 minutes to fill her in on the last three and a half months, I gave her the Reader's Digest version: I moved out; SCL broke up with me; I cried; I went on vacation; I decided to start dating; I had a beach fling; I got a crush on Dr. Nutrition. It kind of makes my head spin just thinking about it. But, with all of this going on, what was really interesting is that I wasn't too fixated on dealing with the, "Is dating a good idea?" question but rather with the insecurities I am feeling now that I've found someone I'm interested in.
So, as cliche as it sounds, C and I are going to be talking about....wait for it...SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES! Especially around body image and food. AWESOME. Cannot wait to delve into all my bullshit about that. But, C is super supportive, and if there's anyone I feel comfortable admitting I've got issues with, it's her. Oh yeah, and all of you in the blogging world, too.
In the meantime, Dr. Nutrition and I spent another night on the phone last night after he finished reffing his soccer games. He said, "For two people who hate to talk on the phone, we sure have been doing a lot of it." A good sign, right? Tonight for our fifth date we are going wine tasting, which I'm super excited about. Oh, and if I can gush for just a moment, he, knowing how much I love ballroom dance, actually bought a package of dance lessons, so he can learn the basics and we can dance together. I like this one.
Teenage Dream
That's how I feel right now--like I've regressed about 12 years and have a teenage crush. And, it is fantastic! With Mr. Navy out of the picture (we've since talked as friends, and I am feeling less dumb), my attention has turned to Dr. Nutrition.
Call me foolish or a hopeless romantic, but I have a good feeling about this one. I'm finding that I don't have a whole lot of desire to go on many first dates right now. (The one I had scheduled with Mr. Sayid-lookalike cancelled at the last minute, and I am debating whether or not to reschedule. The real reason I wanted to go out with him was the aforementioned resemblance to my favorite Lost Iraqi survivor.) I guess I burned out pretty fast with the 4 dates/week.
For the last two nights, Dr. Nutrition and I have stayed up way past my bedtime talking on the phone. The thing is, I don't even like talking on the phone. I'd rather have a Harry Potter owl or something. Say what you want about how brilliant cell phones are, but I swear to God, it's impossible to get a clear connection and there were moments when I literally had to ask him to repeat something five times. I felt like a grandma and questioned whether or not I should have my hearing tested.
But, despite the constant "Huh? What?" on my end, it has been fantastic getting to know him more. I think it's a good sign that we can talk for 3 hours and not run out of things to talk about. Sure, we are just getting to know each other, but there have been some dates when I haven't had an hour's worth of shared interests to go on. But, with Dr. Nutrition the conversation just flows effortlessly and even makes me forget momentarily how much I fucking hate talking on the phone. We have a date tomorrow night (wine tasting, my favorite!) and I can't wait to see him in person.
This is all so exciting and incredibly terrifying at the same time. Part of me wants to say, "Hold on, lady. You need to take it slowly." But the other part of me says, "Quit over-thinking every little thing and just go for it!" He's giving me the green light. He even told me that he's shown my picture to his mom. I feel like this is not the run-of-the-mill, "I'd like to get into your pants" line. Again, trying not to over-think things.
Last week in the middle of thinking about SCL, Mr. Navy, and Dr. Nutrition, I thought, "Where the hell is my damn therapist? Surely she's off of maternity leave by now!" We have an appointment today. Really looking forward to spilling my guts and filling her in on what's been going on since the end of May. She's in for an earful.
Call me foolish or a hopeless romantic, but I have a good feeling about this one. I'm finding that I don't have a whole lot of desire to go on many first dates right now. (The one I had scheduled with Mr. Sayid-lookalike cancelled at the last minute, and I am debating whether or not to reschedule. The real reason I wanted to go out with him was the aforementioned resemblance to my favorite Lost Iraqi survivor.) I guess I burned out pretty fast with the 4 dates/week.
For the last two nights, Dr. Nutrition and I have stayed up way past my bedtime talking on the phone. The thing is, I don't even like talking on the phone. I'd rather have a Harry Potter owl or something. Say what you want about how brilliant cell phones are, but I swear to God, it's impossible to get a clear connection and there were moments when I literally had to ask him to repeat something five times. I felt like a grandma and questioned whether or not I should have my hearing tested.
But, despite the constant "Huh? What?" on my end, it has been fantastic getting to know him more. I think it's a good sign that we can talk for 3 hours and not run out of things to talk about. Sure, we are just getting to know each other, but there have been some dates when I haven't had an hour's worth of shared interests to go on. But, with Dr. Nutrition the conversation just flows effortlessly and even makes me forget momentarily how much I fucking hate talking on the phone. We have a date tomorrow night (wine tasting, my favorite!) and I can't wait to see him in person.
This is all so exciting and incredibly terrifying at the same time. Part of me wants to say, "Hold on, lady. You need to take it slowly." But the other part of me says, "Quit over-thinking every little thing and just go for it!" He's giving me the green light. He even told me that he's shown my picture to his mom. I feel like this is not the run-of-the-mill, "I'd like to get into your pants" line. Again, trying not to over-think things.
Last week in the middle of thinking about SCL, Mr. Navy, and Dr. Nutrition, I thought, "Where the hell is my damn therapist? Surely she's off of maternity leave by now!" We have an appointment today. Really looking forward to spilling my guts and filling her in on what's been going on since the end of May. She's in for an earful.
A Therapy "Pause": Week Eight of Therapy
C's belly is something to behold! She's due in just a few weeks, and I'm so excited for her. Her going on maternity leave coincides nicely with my drop in income that will occur when I move into my new place, so she and I have bid one another adieu for now until she's back in August. Then we'll see where things are.
I told her that I thought our joint session had gone well, though I wasn't sure what that would mean for the future. I think it showed both of us that we do communicate about a lot of important things already, which was affirming and encouraging. Since we last met, I had signed a lease for my new room and was feeling good about it. In general I was feeling better about everything, even the ambiguity. Everything feels less intense than it did a few weeks ago, so it's easier to handle on a daily basis.
We ended up spending a lot of time on the couch situation. She, although she didn't say it, was horrified by his request (I could tell by the reaction she had in her eyes). I'm so glad that I talked with her about it because at that point I was leaning toward--shocking--giving into him. Haven't I done that enough already? He's been calling all the shots lately, and she helped me see that my tendency is to care for him, forget about what I need, and bend to his wishes because I think I have to do that to keep the relationship going. She said, "You can disagree on this. You don't have to do what he wants you to do." And, oh yeah, I'm not responsible for him or his finances. I never was, but now that he's decided to move out and have an undefined thing of a "relationship", I'm really not.
And really, do I want to be stuck in a place where I feel like I have to bend to him in order for us to stay together? What does that mean for me and for what I want? If nothing else, I left my session feeling pretty damn justified in my decision not to pay him a damn cent for that couch. And if he doesn't like it, so be it.
First Go at Couples Counseling: Week Seven of Therapy
Yesterday SCL and I ventured into couples counseling for the first time, and we got out alive and--better yet--not hating each other.
We talked only briefly beforehand about what we wanted from the session. I said I wanted to explore why our relationship fell apart and find new ways to relate better. SCL said that he wanted to get some clarity about how he's feeling about us. So, we're definitely in different places in terms of where we currently see the situation.
C asked what barriers we see in our current situation. SCL said living together is very difficult for him because it feels "normal" although we're not as we were before. I responded that I didn't feel like it was "normal" because he's living in another room! But I got what he meant; it is weird to still be living in this shared space, although that will only be for a few more weeks. He's already found a new place, and I'm searching for mine.
One thing that came out was right now, although he does want to get married eventually, SCL doesn't see himself getting married while he's in school. What this means is that although he told me it was, his going to school was never a "good for us" thing. And C said I'll have to see if that's something I can accept. In my mind, I think, "Ok, I guess I could wait until I'm 31 or so to get married." But it's really not what I want, at least for now.
That was probably when C was at her wisest. She said, "People's feelings change over time. There's no way to project how we will feel about something in the future." This means SCL could continue feeling that way about marriage or not. I could continue feeling this way about marriage or not. We don't know.
But I know that we're doing well right now. And I want to continue doing better. I'm trying to live in the moment and take it one day at a time.
More Confusion than Clarity: Week Six of Therapy
Although less than a week had passed since my last session with C, I went in Monday afternoon with a helluva lot to say.
First, I talked about the apartment dilemma: to live together or not. I explained that I saw either as a big decision--that moving together implied long-term commitment whereas moving out and living separately indicated a breaking apart. She helped broaden my view on this--that perhaps not allowing something as arbitrary as a lease date decide something monumental in our relationship. Living apart does not necessitate a loss in intimacy, but it could protect what is still very new and undefined. Good thoughts.
Second, I talked about my decision (although it didn't really feel like one) to accept SCL's apology and agree to give our relationship a second chance. I started crying and admitted, "I did it without even thinking that I might not." Ugh, I hate that. I was so happy he'd "come home" that I just agreed without thinking about it. I'd made it really easy for him to break my heart and have another opportunity to break it again.
She asked me how SCL had been meeting my needs daily, and I told her, "I don't know." I excused it, said he'd been in finals and I'd been out of town, but what I knew but was too embarrassed or ashamed to admit was that he wasn't. He has been opening up to me, being more honest and vulnerable, but as far as meeting my needs to feel loved, I'm not really seeing it so much. I feel in a lot of ways I'm just waiting for him to grow up and make up his mind. It's a precarious situation to be in with all of the uncertainty. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to wait.
Here are some things I took away from the session.
- I know what I want from my relationship with SCL. I want to feel like we are a team.
- My feelings about the situation are more nuanced than I had thought. I do feel some ambivalence about being with him.
- Maybe living apart would not be a bad idea. It would allow us to choose our path together. At the very least it would make things less complicated should I find myself broken-up with again. Sigh.
- I want to be known and loved. I want him to show me in small ways, not grand gestures.
- I want to be moving toward a committed relationship.
All helpful things to know.
SCL and I are planning to attend my session together next week. I'm not sure what we'll talk about, but I hope it will be effective for us to work through some of these issues together with someone else. Can I get a "hells yeah" for the awesomeness of therapy?
Taking on Comments
Hi blog friends. Just woke up after a fabulous night of sleep to find a little controversy in the comments section of my last post, so I guess I'll take on the challenges of this "Anonymous" comment. (Please, if you're going to comment like this, at least leave a nickname!)
If you didn't see it, let me re-post it here:
I just finished reading your blog. I would like to give you some feedback, and I want to preface it by saying I'm not trying to be an asshole. I'm really not. I'm just trying to give you an honest, unbiased view of what you wrote. You may not care for it, but the way I see it is if you're going to take to the internet to tell your story, you should probably be prepared to hear things that you may not really like.
First of all, I am glad that you got back together, and I really hope it works out for you. But I have to admit, I found some big contradictions in your story. For example: Valentine's Day. In your post, you talk about how the two of you don't really agree with the whole Valentine's rituals that others do. You mention gifts. In fact, you mention the gift that he bought you, which was tickets to see Chelsea Lately. You say that you actually like that better than something else because it would give you time to be together doing something fun. After the breakup, though, you talk about the tickets, and you mention that it wasn't a very creative gift since you had been to see Kathy Griffin there before. You also said that it was probably more fun than you would have had with him. That's not exactly the picture you painted before. Another is the fact that before he broke up with you, you never really mention any problems with him. Not really. Yet, after he broke up with you, you talk about things you noticed, and even say that the relationship started to unravel months before. Considering that you had only been living together for a few months, and your blog starts out with your moving in together, it's a little confusing. If you were noticing problems, why did you not share them with your blog followers? For example, the reading of his journal in September. How come you never mentioned it here? If your blog is devoted to your relationship and all of the dynamics, it seems you would have mentioned it, and the fact that you didn't suggests that it's not a completely factual and comprehensive picture of your life with him. I mean, honestly, it was like "Oh, everything is just so great. We're a partnership. He's awesome" one minute, and the next, "I should have seen it. I noticed this and that.". Why didn't you mention noticing this and that if you were being honest?
The other thing I wanted to bring up is the therapist. I'm not knocking therapy. It just seems like sometimes people use it as a band-aid. Heartbreak happens...run to therapist to make it all better. I don't know, I just don't really understand why you felt you needed therapy because your relationship ended. Maybe I have the wrong view of therapy. I guess I just view it as something one does when they are having serious problems. In other words, based on your previous posts, I guess I would have thought you would have a little more resiliency to have gotten through those few (yes, few) weeks without professional help. I just think some people use it as a crutch. Not saying this applies to you, because I dont' know. Just something to think about.
Honestly, I do hope you work things out. But something tells me that you will be back in the spot of him ending things. He sounds like kind of a flake, to be frank. He moves in with you and four months later he wants out of the whole thing? Then a few weeks later, he, too, is going to see a therapist and all is now going to be well? I hope so. But I have my doubts. Be careful with your heart, and I would suggest NOT moving in with him again. I really think you'll be back at the same place if you do.
First of all, I am glad that you got back together, and I really hope it works out for you. But I have to admit, I found some big contradictions in your story. For example: Valentine's Day. In your post, you talk about how the two of you don't really agree with the whole Valentine's rituals that others do. You mention gifts. In fact, you mention the gift that he bought you, which was tickets to see Chelsea Lately. You say that you actually like that better than something else because it would give you time to be together doing something fun. After the breakup, though, you talk about the tickets, and you mention that it wasn't a very creative gift since you had been to see Kathy Griffin there before. You also said that it was probably more fun than you would have had with him. That's not exactly the picture you painted before. Another is the fact that before he broke up with you, you never really mention any problems with him. Not really. Yet, after he broke up with you, you talk about things you noticed, and even say that the relationship started to unravel months before. Considering that you had only been living together for a few months, and your blog starts out with your moving in together, it's a little confusing. If you were noticing problems, why did you not share them with your blog followers? For example, the reading of his journal in September. How come you never mentioned it here? If your blog is devoted to your relationship and all of the dynamics, it seems you would have mentioned it, and the fact that you didn't suggests that it's not a completely factual and comprehensive picture of your life with him. I mean, honestly, it was like "Oh, everything is just so great. We're a partnership. He's awesome" one minute, and the next, "I should have seen it. I noticed this and that.". Why didn't you mention noticing this and that if you were being honest?
The other thing I wanted to bring up is the therapist. I'm not knocking therapy. It just seems like sometimes people use it as a band-aid. Heartbreak happens...run to therapist to make it all better. I don't know, I just don't really understand why you felt you needed therapy because your relationship ended. Maybe I have the wrong view of therapy. I guess I just view it as something one does when they are having serious problems. In other words, based on your previous posts, I guess I would have thought you would have a little more resiliency to have gotten through those few (yes, few) weeks without professional help. I just think some people use it as a crutch. Not saying this applies to you, because I dont' know. Just something to think about.
Honestly, I do hope you work things out. But something tells me that you will be back in the spot of him ending things. He sounds like kind of a flake, to be frank. He moves in with you and four months later he wants out of the whole thing? Then a few weeks later, he, too, is going to see a therapist and all is now going to be well? I hope so. But I have my doubts. Be careful with your heart, and I would suggest NOT moving in with him again. I really think you'll be back at the same place if you do.
Shall we take this apart here?
1. I just finished reading your blog. I would like to give you some feedback, and I want to preface it by saying I'm not trying to be an asshole. I'm really not. I'm just trying to give you an honest, unbiased view of what you wrote. You may not care for it, but the way I see it is if you're going to take to the internet to tell your story, you should probably be prepared to hear things that you may not really like.
Prefacing something by saying "I'm not trying to be an asshole" is a red flag. It's akin to someone saying "Don't take this the wrong way." It means that what you're saying is not unbiased but in fact critical. There is no such thing as an unbiased view. But Anon is correct in that if I'm going to tell my story on the Internet, I should be prepared for feedback, positive and negative. So be it.
2. First of all, I am glad that you got back together, and I really hope it works out for you. But I have to admit, I found some big contradictions in your story. For example: Valentine's Day. In your post, you talk about how the two of you don't really agree with the whole Valentine's rituals that others do. You mention gifts. In fact, you mention the gift that he bought you, which was tickets to see Chelsea Lately. You say that you actually like that better than something else because it would give you time to be together doing something fun. After the breakup, though, you talk about the tickets, and you mention that it wasn't a very creative gift since you had been to see Kathy Griffin there before. You also said that it was probably more fun than you would have had with him. That's not exactly the picture you painted before. Another is the fact that before he broke up with you, you never really mention any problems with him. Not really. Yet, after he broke up with you, you talk about things you noticed, and even say that the relationship started to unravel months before. Considering that you had only been living together for a few months, and your blog starts out with your moving in together, it's a little confusing. If you were noticing problems, why did you not share them with your blog followers? For example, the reading of his journal in September. How come you never mentioned it here? If your blog is devoted to your relationship and all of the dynamics, it seems you would have mentioned it, and the fact that you didn't suggests that it's not a completely factual and comprehensive picture of your life with him. I mean, honestly, it was like "Oh, everything is just so great. We're a partnership. He's awesome" one minute, and the next, "I should have seen it. I noticed this and that.". Why didn't you mention noticing this and that if you were being honest?
Anon, are you really glad we got back together? Nothing in this post sounds like you do. I think you felt like you had to say this before you went on to point out of all of the problems you see in our relationship.
Before our break-up, I didn't see this blog as a place to come pour my guts out everyday. I didn't need that. No, not everything was perfect, but SCL was reading my blog at the time. I wasn't going to say things that were private, or things I wanted to discuss with him in person. And I never claimed things were perfect, like this post shows. After the break-up, I had little to lose at that point. I was free to share my incredibly biased perspective in the situation as a way to vent, to find community, and to find some kind of healing. The thing is in the relationship, I was prepared to make it work no matter what. I had committed to that, so it did change my perspective when SCL broke it off with me. Obviously, do I even need to say that?
The other thing I wanted to bring up is the therapist. I'm not knocking therapy. It just seems like sometimes people use it as a band-aid. Heartbreak happens...run to therapist to make it all better. I don't know, I just don't really understand why you felt you needed therapy because your relationship ended. Maybe I have the wrong view of therapy. I guess I just view it as something one does when they are having serious problems. In other words, based on your previous posts, I guess I would have thought you would have a little more resiliency to have gotten through those few (yes, few) weeks without professional help. I just think some people use it as a crutch. Not saying this applies to you, because I dont' know. Just something to think about.
Again, the prefacing: "I'm not knocking therapy." Yes, you are. Well, you are knocking my use of it. Thinking that therapy is about making it all better is a clear sign that you know nothing about it. Sure, I could go have a rebound, get trashed, eat like a glutton, do some other stupid shit to cope. A lot of people do that. Instead I decided to find a healthy way of working through it with the guidance of a skilled professional. I really don't feel the need to defend this. You are certainly reinforcing cultural myths about who "should" go to therapy and that it's a sign of weakness. What complete and utter bullshit.
Honestly, I do hope you work things out. But something tells me that you will be back in the spot of him ending things. He sounds like kind of a flake, to be frank. He moves in with you and four months later he wants out of the whole thing? Then a few weeks later, he, too, is going to see a therapist and all is now going to be well? I hope so. But I have my doubts. Be careful with your heart, and I would suggest NOT moving in with him again. I really think you'll be back at the same place if you do.
Again, do you actually hope things work out? To clarify, it was not four months later. We moved in together early July, so it had been nearly nine months, but that's beside the point. I never said "all will be well." This is hard as shit, and we have a lot of work to do. I don't know what will happen.
Here's the thing, folks. I owe nothing to anyone in terms of talking about my relationship. I share what I feel like sharing, hide what I feel like hiding, and respond to what I want. I don't really give a shit what Anonymous thinks because s/he's basing this on crap I've written, not on the relationship itself. Yeah, there's contradictions, omissions, etc. because it's a blog, not a memoir. As many of you have said, the only people who understand a relationship are the two who are in it.
Comments are always welcome. I'm not against opposing views, and believe me, Anon, you aren't the first. Yes, I should be prepared to have negative and positive comments, but there's no obligation I have to accept it or even seriously consider it, just as the same is true of reading or not reading my blog. But seriously if you're really trying to be helpful and not just throw an opinion out there, try having a more balanced view, one that can be both critical and charitable. And just prefacing it with "I'm not trying to be an asshole" ain't gonna cut it.
Note: apparently I'm not the only one dealing with this right now. Check out Cee's blog post about this very issue.
Tension-->Collaboration: Week Five of Therapy
I came into therapy this week feeling a bit more punchy than usual. Now that I'm not in the doom and gloom of the break-up, or in the teary/WTF-is-going-on? stage, my needs are changing. I didn't really know what I wanted to talk about, but we started out discussing the book I've been reading, The Good Marriage. (Really I recommend this to everyone in a serious relationship or who wants to be in one someday.)
In the book, Judith Wallerstein examines the stories of 50 couples in which both partners say they are happy in the relationship. She outlines four types of marriages--romantic, rescue, companionate, and traditional--as well as the necessary tasks that couples undertake over the course of their relationship. She asked if there was one that stuck out to me.
We began discussing one of the early tasks, separating from the family of origin. I explained how in my case I was fortunate to have a mom well-versed in parenting adult children as I'm the youngest of three. She's supportive but not invasive. SCL on the other hand is...well, not as fortunate. His mom means well, but she still thinks she knows best. And of course, no one is good enough for her baby boy. Barf. Needless to say, I haven't had a fair shot. That isn't to say that I've been blameless in the situation, and I fully intend on making amends with his mother as soon as I have the opportunity. But C also reminded me that I can't expect anything from her in return. She may accept my words, she may not, and ultimately I decided I needed to do this for the sake of our relationship. If she continues to be a bother, SCL will need to step in.
This conversation flowed into an airing of quasi-grievances such as having to adjust once again to a life tied to a poor grad student for the next 4 or more years. I was really looking forward to not having to deal with all of that, and here I am again, dealing with it. SCL wants a different apartment with more space, but because he doesn't make much money and I'm not willing to suck it up and pay a lot more out of pocket, that limits where we can live. I'm worried that we'll have to more too far out and getting into DC will be a pain. There's a lot of anxiety in knowing we'll have to compromise on this, and I must be careful not to neglect the things that I need, rather than being silent and playing the martyr later.
The same kind of issue came up as I discussed the importance of marriage and even though it is still quite early in our getting back together, I would like to discuss a timeline for making a formal commitment to each other to solidify the one we are already making by ourselves. This is important to both of us, and well, I'd like to have an idea of when it might happen. I talked about how he had hated the idea of a diamond ring, but admitted last week that was more about finding an excuse not to get engaged than it was about the damn diamond ring.
I realized (well, C helped me realized) that I was approaching these conversations in an adversarial way. I had my wants, he had his wants, there was clashing and arguing. She said, "Try to think about how you'd discuss this with a best friend. Think in terms of collaboration rather than about opposing sides because this is about what's best for your relationship, not either of you individually." Brilliant. And here I was thinking I had this communication thing down. I've got a lot to learn. It honestly had never occurred to me to approach these issues in this way, but it makes complete sense. We both care deeply about these issues, and in a loving relationship, we should honestly care about what the other person wants, thinks, and feels.
I'm going to reflect more on this and try to apply some of this in our conversations this week. Not only will it relieve some of the inevitable tension that occurs when there's disagreement, but it will also help us discern what is actually best for both of us.
What are your best negotiation strategies?
Radical Shifts and Cautionary Words: Week 4 of Therapy
I'm sitting at the airport...again; this time for work. I'm heading to St. Louis for a huge conference for the next four days. Even though I basically had no time to unpack from my trip to Florida before I was filling up my suitcase again, I'm thankful for the forced separation for SCL and me. I'll have other things to focus on and a whole hotel room to myself to rest, reflect, and get some perspective.
Yesterday I met with C and recounted the events of the previous 48 hours. The way I was telling it, I could tell she wasn't sure what I would say at the end, meaning it wasn't clear from the conversations that I was summarizing that SCL would say "Let's give this another try." Interesting--it's always surprising how a story comes out when I tell it to someone else. I could sense a lot more caution and fear in my telling of it.
Eventually I got around to saying that I was considering another try with him. I told her how he seemed to have gained clarity and felt regret about his decision. Perhaps it was that he had little to lose when he opened up over the last month, and I think he was surprised by my compassion and grace in response. I know I didn't need to be that way, but I do strive to carry myself with grace during crisis. I think it spoke volumes to him about me--things he already knew but were much more apparent, and that he was open to seeing.
She asked what I wanted out of the session. For the first time in my years of therapy, I asked for her perspective in the situation, if she felt comfortable. She wisely told me what many of you said. First, only time will tell if this is for real. In the meantime I need to have boundaries in place, especially in the area of sexuality. I completely agree, and so does SCL. And second, I need to continue caring for myself in the meantime, and to check in with myself if I sense I'm holding back some part of me. Even the little things--like watching a silly tv show, staying out late with friends, not cleaning up my dishes right away. She also offered to see us both, and gave me a book to read called The Good Marriage. I just started it, but I'd recommend it to anyone in a serious relationship.
I don't want to slip back into a pattern of self-neglect. It will take a lot of effort not to. Last night SCL and I had dinner out together. It was the first time we'd been out in public like that together since the day we broke up, and it really felt amazing. I never thought I'd get to share like this with him. Part of me wanted to spend the whole evening together, but taking C's suggestion, I made concrete plans for later that evening (costume karaoke, Glee style! So much fun). SCL did, too. I went to karaoke and sang my lungs out, and he played trivia with some of his classmates. We both had a great time.
I realized later that night that there is indeed a part of me that doesn't trust him. I got home before he did, and as the minutes ticked by and he hadn't come home, I got worried that he wouldn't. Eventually I drifted off to sleep with my door open around midnight, sure that the sound of him coming home would wake me. When I woke up at 2:00 am, I panicked. Had he not come home? I got out of bed, and sure enough, there he was, asleep in the other bed. Home, just as he said he would be.
Break Downs and Thought Records: Week 3 of Therapy
In preparation for my third session, I took time to look over my journal from the last week. I made the mistake of doing that while riding the Metro. Also my iPod betrayed me by landing on Daniel Bedingfield's "If You're Not the One" in the middle of my despairing (please don't ask how the song got there in the first place, ok? I'm hurting!). I started freaking out, "Oh my God, I'm going to start crying on the fucking subway." I somehow kept my shit together, but I knew once I got to C's office, I'd be just barely hanging on, kind of like last week when I had to pee so badly after a kickball drinking fest that when I found the nearest women's room was locked, I busted into the men's room.
Yes, my need to cry was very much like having to pee real bad. That's right.
So of course when C asks how I've been, the blubbering ensues for about the next twenty minutes. It's not so horrible though. Fortunately crying dos not freak her out. I guess they get some kind of special training in therapy school for this.
Since I'm a little bit of a processor, she led me through a structured journaling exercise called a thought record that I found really helpful and have already tried once since. So, here we go.
Step 1: Name a situation about which you had some ambivalence in a nutshell, just the what, when, where, etc.
On Thursday SCL briefly got into bed next to me without asking.
Step 2: Name your feelings and emotions, and rate each on a scale of 1-100, 1 being hardly feeling it at all and 100 being feeling it the most you possibly could.
Shock--10
Sadness--50
Comfort--20
Familiarity--80
Loss--80
Hope--30
Brokenness--99
Step 3: Name your automatic thoughts in the situation.
-What is he doing?
-Why is he doing this?
-This is what I miss about being with him.
-I'm never going to have this again.
-This is how I felt the day he broke up with me.
-I want him to stay
-This is a physical reminder of what I don't have anymore.
Step 4: Highlight the main or "hot" thought from Step 3.
-What is he doing?
-Why is he doing this?
-This is what I miss about being with him.
-I'm never going to have this again.
-This is how I felt the day he broke up with me.
-I want him to stay
-This is a physical reminder of what I don't have anymore.
Step 5: Identify the source of this thought.
Physical reminder of what I don't have anymore -->
Desire for companionship and partnership that I want to be met-->
I fear not having a partner-->
I may not have another partner.
Step 6: Identify the validations and contradictions, external and internal, for this statement.
Validations:
-I don't think that men want women like me (independent, ambitious, seeking an egalitarian relationship, well-educated, high expectations).
- The future is uncertain.
- The culture tells me certain things about what men want, and they don't want feminists and they really don't want religious feminists.
Contradictions:
- My friends say I have everything a man is looking for.
-Most people end up getting married at some point. Our culture values partnering up.
- I want to believe that God will fulfill that desire.
-I've had other relationships before.
- I want to believe that there are some men who want something similar in a relationship.
I'm still working through a lot of it, but it's a great tool for unpacking those layers of thoughts, emotions, and feelings. I recommend it to anyone in a fucked up situation such as a break-up. And if that doesn't work, there's always beer.
From Shock to Anger: Week 2 of Therapy
Nothing like two weeks in between therapy sessions to show a person how much things change--and so quickly. The first session I was thinking, "I'm going to be SO GOOD at this break-up! I'm going to be mature, grown-up, and dignified about all of it." And then SCL and I had our first interaction in public; I ran into old roommate aka "Blondeboobs" (so appropriately nicknamed by the "L" spot); and I had a breakdown while visiting my friend in Atlanta. So, it's not surprising that the first words out of my mouth to my therapist (I'll call her "C") this session were "I don't care anymore about being mature. Right now I'm pissed!" And she, in all her brilliant counseling wisdom, said "That's normal."
Thank God.
And then I started to cry--tears of anger and hurt. It's been just over three weeks since SCL told me he was breaking up with me, and I swear the pain of it is worse now than it was the day after. The reality of what all of this means is beginning to hit me: having to move out of our apartment (HATE), being alone (HATE), carrying groceries by myself (HATE), not having SCL's companionship in my daily life (REALLY HATE). All this rage building in me makes me want to do some crazy shit. One of my mother's suggestions was to take his $300 coat which I bought him for his birthday this year to Goodwill. Better than destroying it because someone else would wear it, but he wouldn't be able to wear it. If I did this with all of the clothes I purchased him, then all he'd have left to wear would be some ratty pairs of boxers, mismatched socks, and dingy college t-shirts with pit stains. But, I digress.
C asked me if I had any more insight into what I want our time together to be about. I started crying. Again. I managed to get out something along the lines of, "My impulse to care for myself isn't as strong as I'd like it to be." That's the reason I contacted SCL over the weekend--because I wasn't thinking of myself. I didn't really have a reason to contact him; I just did it. And I felt like shit afterward. It makes me even more confused and angry. And I'm beginning to wonder about how, if at all, SCL can be in my life right now.
As "homework," C had asked me in our previous session to write down things that I do to care for myself and how I feel before and after. Here's what I wrote down:
- Napping: Exhausted--> Refreshed
- Blogging: Full, heavy--> Relief, release
- Exercising: Anxious--> Empowered
- Cleaning: Chaotic--> Accomplished
It's really interesting to be looking at my life through a lens of "Is this helpful for me?" I'm beginning to realize how important those little things--taking a nap, going for a run--really influence the way that I feel. C encouraged me to keep adding things to the list, so that no matter what I'm feeling, I'll have a bunch of choices, like a self-care menu of sorts. Brilliant. She's brilliant.
C asked me what this break-up means for my life. Tearing up again, I actually said, "There are some good parts." I feel like I'm reclaiming my life. All of that energy I was using to hold the relationship together I can now turn toward myself, and that's liberating. But it also means that I'm alone. Dealing with the loneliness has to be the hardest and most painful part of it. Being here in our apartment, the space we shared, is a constant reminder of what I've lost. When I'm not sad, I'm angry about it. I had thoughts of taking a hammer to his computer monitors, taking a Sharpie to his dress shirts, doing something destructive to his things because they're constantly mocking me. They're constantly saying, "He's not here anymore. He doesn't want you. He doesn't love you." I wish I could throw all of his shit out the window. We are situated right above the dumpster; it wouldn't be that hard.
Bottom line: going to therapy is not just a good thing right now, it's a critical thing. This week's "homework" is to examine how the relationship wasn't meeting my needs and to identify what I need right now and in a future relationship. I look forward to thinking beyond SCL and into my own heart, focusing on me instead of him. It's taking a lot of energy to do that because I'm so conditioned to think of him first. But I'm trying really hard to re-learn how to put myself first.
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