Exactly three months after our wedding, MT and I got to celebrate the marriage of my brother and his new wife, and it was absolutely impossible not to compare the two. While we planned for 13 months, they planned it all in 6. We had 50 guests; they had double that. But probably the biggest difference was in their level of enjoyment, especially my brother. He was totally stressed and anxious the entire weekend with few exceptions! If I had to give him some advice, this is what I'd say.
How to have a low-stress wedding
1. Give yourself more time to plan if you can wait. That way you're making fewer big decisions at a time.
2. Hire a coordinator if you can afford to. If you aren't naturally organized, hire someone to be organized for you.
3. Put time and energy into your wedding service. Don't wait until the week of the wedding to find out that it's stuffy and impersonal because by then it's too late to change it.
4. Communicate with people before the wedding weekend about when they need to be where. Finding out about family pictures through hearsay isn't the best way to get everyone together and organized.
5. Have an actual count of your guests so you're not surprised when you have more people than you have seats.
6. When it doesn't go according to plan, just take deep breaths and realize you're married and that was the whole point of having a wedding in the first place!
Showing posts with label Weddings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weddings. Show all posts
Married Bliss
It's been almost a year since my last post, declaring the end of my blog. I'm here to break the rules and post a few pictures from the wedding. Enjoy!
A Point of Personal Privilege
It has been a heartbreaking week to be a North Carolinian. As I've been making bridal gown appointments and chatting with perky wedding gown consultants, I've been thinking about how my state has not only added another layer of discrimination against gay and lesbian couples who want to marry or otherwise have their relationship recognized by the state, but also it's added a new discriminatory precedent for those couples who, for whatever reason, have decided not to marry.
A few weeks ago I watched the denomination that baptized me uphold its stance that homosexuality is "incompatible with Christian teaching." In the debates, I heard over and over that "we love everyone." But if someone were to say to me that they loved me, that they loved Carolina Man, but yet they believed in all seriousness that God condemned our relationship, our love, our being together? That is not love, at least not the kind I want. The kind that judges what only my partner and I can know--the way that we honor, respect, and love one another when nobody else is around.
I feel torn. Ought we to marry at all, knowing that in so doing we are buying into a political and in our case, religious reality that says no to our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters? I used to question if I'd ever marry, but only because I thought I'd never find someone, not because I legally couldn't. I've taken my freedom to marry for granted.
Perhaps it all is too easy for us straight folks to get married. Because honestly, if there really is a threat to the institution of marriage as we know it (and honestly, I have no idea if it's truly worth saving in its current state), the threat is how lightly it's portrayed publicly and how nonchalantly it's entered into privately by us straight folks. And no, I'm not saying divorce is evil or anything like that. God knows, it was best for my parents to get the hell away from each other.
But, in my eyes, nothing could be better for the "institution of marriage" than for more committed couples--in whatever form they take--to be part of it.
A few weeks ago I watched the denomination that baptized me uphold its stance that homosexuality is "incompatible with Christian teaching." In the debates, I heard over and over that "we love everyone." But if someone were to say to me that they loved me, that they loved Carolina Man, but yet they believed in all seriousness that God condemned our relationship, our love, our being together? That is not love, at least not the kind I want. The kind that judges what only my partner and I can know--the way that we honor, respect, and love one another when nobody else is around.
I feel torn. Ought we to marry at all, knowing that in so doing we are buying into a political and in our case, religious reality that says no to our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters? I used to question if I'd ever marry, but only because I thought I'd never find someone, not because I legally couldn't. I've taken my freedom to marry for granted.
Perhaps it all is too easy for us straight folks to get married. Because honestly, if there really is a threat to the institution of marriage as we know it (and honestly, I have no idea if it's truly worth saving in its current state), the threat is how lightly it's portrayed publicly and how nonchalantly it's entered into privately by us straight folks. And no, I'm not saying divorce is evil or anything like that. God knows, it was best for my parents to get the hell away from each other.
But, in my eyes, nothing could be better for the "institution of marriage" than for more committed couples--in whatever form they take--to be part of it.
Bridal Gown Bonanza
My life was overtaken by The United Methodist Church General Conference, which was essentially a giant clusterf@$#. I don't think anyone left there feeling good about much of anything. Yay, bureaucracy.
But, now that that's over I can concentrate on other things. Like bridal gowns. Mom is heading here on Friday, and I've scheduled four appointments, all evenly spaced, to get my gown shoppin' on. I think this will really make the reality of getting married a bit more real in my mind. I remember going with my friend L to to get her dress, and how it all suddenly clicked. She was a bride! I'm looking forward to having a moment like that.
I can't say I'm overly nervous about it. Finding formal gowns has always been a treat, maybe because I'm 5'9" and the formal wear industry is biased to favor us gigantors. I'm going into it with an open mind about what I'll end up with. Strapless, with straps. Lace, silk, satin. I'm open to them all. The only thing I don't think I could go for is SUPER POOFY DRESS. One of the salons scared me a bit by advertising that they have an entire line inspired by Disney princesses. This could go poorly.
So, a question to my fellow brides-to-be/past brides/people who have gone wedding dress shopping: how many stores did you go to? How many dresses did you try on? And did you have an "OMG this is it" moment where you knew you didn't need to try on anymore?
But, now that that's over I can concentrate on other things. Like bridal gowns. Mom is heading here on Friday, and I've scheduled four appointments, all evenly spaced, to get my gown shoppin' on. I think this will really make the reality of getting married a bit more real in my mind. I remember going with my friend L to to get her dress, and how it all suddenly clicked. She was a bride! I'm looking forward to having a moment like that.
I can't say I'm overly nervous about it. Finding formal gowns has always been a treat, maybe because I'm 5'9" and the formal wear industry is biased to favor us gigantors. I'm going into it with an open mind about what I'll end up with. Strapless, with straps. Lace, silk, satin. I'm open to them all. The only thing I don't think I could go for is SUPER POOFY DRESS. One of the salons scared me a bit by advertising that they have an entire line inspired by Disney princesses. This could go poorly.
So, a question to my fellow brides-to-be/past brides/people who have gone wedding dress shopping: how many stores did you go to? How many dresses did you try on? And did you have an "OMG this is it" moment where you knew you didn't need to try on anymore?
A note to the fellow newly engaged and to-be-engaged folks
I had no idea how crazy people get over weddings. Wells, that's not quite true. I have been known to watch a marathon of Bridezillas, so I did get a sense of how some people get crazy over weddings.
What I did not know was how crazy the people in my own life would get over our wedding. One that Carolina Man and I haven't even begun planning because, oh yeah, we haven't even been engaged for two weeks yet. I'm still completely distracted by my ring. No one in that state of mind could be making decisions about a wedding.
I guess I thought when I told people I got engaged that they'd A) want to see the ring and B) want to hear the proposal story. WRONG. Instead they want A and then skip a few steps to ask when I'm getting married. Literally hours after we were engaged, people wanted to know the date we were going to tie the knot.
I suppose it's a logical question to ask, but it's one that started to get old really, really fast. I've adjusted my responses over time. At first I'd smile and say, "I don't know!" And then after I got asked it about a hundred times, I tried to play the guilt card, "Everyone keeps asking me that, and we just got engaged." Kind of snippy, kind of downer way to respond. Plus, it didn't do any good. The next person would just ask me the same question. And now I just accept their curiosity and say, "Probably sometime next year." Vague, noncommittal, but satisfactory enough that they move on.
Did I mention that my boss is already asking if she can wear a silver dress to the wedding?
What I'm learning is that a lot of people want to live vicariously through my experience, and that means they've got a lot of opinions they want to share with me. What I have to remember is they mean well, but I don't have to take it all to heart.
I just hope that their curiosity doesn't wane too much because when we do actually begin planning, I'm sure I'll be looking for some eager ears to entertain my ideas.
Anyone else experience this kind of interrogation about wedding dates? How did you deal with it?
What I did not know was how crazy the people in my own life would get over our wedding. One that Carolina Man and I haven't even begun planning because, oh yeah, we haven't even been engaged for two weeks yet. I'm still completely distracted by my ring. No one in that state of mind could be making decisions about a wedding.
I guess I thought when I told people I got engaged that they'd A) want to see the ring and B) want to hear the proposal story. WRONG. Instead they want A and then skip a few steps to ask when I'm getting married. Literally hours after we were engaged, people wanted to know the date we were going to tie the knot.
I suppose it's a logical question to ask, but it's one that started to get old really, really fast. I've adjusted my responses over time. At first I'd smile and say, "I don't know!" And then after I got asked it about a hundred times, I tried to play the guilt card, "Everyone keeps asking me that, and we just got engaged." Kind of snippy, kind of downer way to respond. Plus, it didn't do any good. The next person would just ask me the same question. And now I just accept their curiosity and say, "Probably sometime next year." Vague, noncommittal, but satisfactory enough that they move on.
Did I mention that my boss is already asking if she can wear a silver dress to the wedding?
What I'm learning is that a lot of people want to live vicariously through my experience, and that means they've got a lot of opinions they want to share with me. What I have to remember is they mean well, but I don't have to take it all to heart.
I just hope that their curiosity doesn't wane too much because when we do actually begin planning, I'm sure I'll be looking for some eager ears to entertain my ideas.
Anyone else experience this kind of interrogation about wedding dates? How did you deal with it?
Buena Vis(t)a
"Open it, open it!" Carolina Man said as he drove us to the gym, a healthy habit we were already cultivating on our second day of living together.
The single piece of mail we'd gotten that day had been an envelope from Capitol One. I'd raved to CM about my rewards AmEx and how I'd already spent enough to earn serious bucks off a trip--a honeymoon, maybe? Since he was just using his debit card, he figured he'd join the credit card rewards fun and earn some buck-age along the way.
We'd been in lots of conversations about our finances--how much we each had in savings, how much we wanted to spend together, and...how much we could set aside each month for a wedding. Thankfully we're not starting from scratch, but we aren't into A) doing it on the cheap B) counting on our families to help (though they might) or C) doing it in the far, far distant future. That means the more we can save, the better.
I thought it was kind of weird that he wanted me to open up his credit card envelope, but I figured he was just excited about having a new card and his hands were occupied with the driving.
But then, when I opened up the letter inside, I saw the card. It had a picture on it. A picture of us from our mini-vacation to the beach. We were in our bathing suits, lips locked, with a gorgeous blue sky and ocean behind us. A buena vista Visa.
It was the sweetest, most unexpected gesture. To me, it said, "I love this woman and I want everyone to know. I want everyone to see."
This guy's for real. I mean, my picture is on his credit card.
The single piece of mail we'd gotten that day had been an envelope from Capitol One. I'd raved to CM about my rewards AmEx and how I'd already spent enough to earn serious bucks off a trip--a honeymoon, maybe? Since he was just using his debit card, he figured he'd join the credit card rewards fun and earn some buck-age along the way.
We'd been in lots of conversations about our finances--how much we each had in savings, how much we wanted to spend together, and...how much we could set aside each month for a wedding. Thankfully we're not starting from scratch, but we aren't into A) doing it on the cheap B) counting on our families to help (though they might) or C) doing it in the far, far distant future. That means the more we can save, the better.
I thought it was kind of weird that he wanted me to open up his credit card envelope, but I figured he was just excited about having a new card and his hands were occupied with the driving.
But then, when I opened up the letter inside, I saw the card. It had a picture on it. A picture of us from our mini-vacation to the beach. We were in our bathing suits, lips locked, with a gorgeous blue sky and ocean behind us. A buena vista Visa.
It was the sweetest, most unexpected gesture. To me, it said, "I love this woman and I want everyone to know. I want everyone to see."
This guy's for real. I mean, my picture is on his credit card.
She's Back!
Well, at the very least, I am home. I can't claim to be back and ready for action of any kind because despite sleeping all day and all night yesterday, I am freaking exhausted. It's going to take me a few days to recover from 18 days on the road. Not to mention a wedding where I was one of two people in my friend group who wasn't married. I may have had a break-down about that at one point.
But, I have a date planned for Wednesday--new guy I'm calling Mr. Editor. We've been corresponding while I've been out of town, and he asked me out for dinner! I'm excited to meet someone new. Dr. Nutrition and I texted on Saturday but no word on our next date. I honestly have very little free time this week. I've got friends coming into town Thursday and staying through the weekend.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to mark all as read on my google reader, so apologies in advance for being terribly behind on all of your lives. I have missed you dearly and can't wait to catch up!
But, I have a date planned for Wednesday--new guy I'm calling Mr. Editor. We've been corresponding while I've been out of town, and he asked me out for dinner! I'm excited to meet someone new. Dr. Nutrition and I texted on Saturday but no word on our next date. I honestly have very little free time this week. I've got friends coming into town Thursday and staying through the weekend.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to mark all as read on my google reader, so apologies in advance for being terribly behind on all of your lives. I have missed you dearly and can't wait to catch up!
Indulge Me, Will You?
I'm out of town for work and a wedding this week, so posting will be briefer for a bit. Stick with me!
The other day I asked SCL if he still thought it was kind of silly that I wanted a "not small" diamond engagement ring. I have fat fingers, sue me! I've mentioned before that this has been a point of contention between us in the past. He said, "Not as much." Ha!
Let's be honest. Diamonds have got some serious baggage. We need only recall Blood Diamond to remember why. SCL and I are in agreement that any rings we get need to be conflict-free. Back when we were looking at rings, I found this site Brilliant Earth and instantly fell in love: totally conflict-free diamonds, recycled metal, but still way expensive.
I'm in love. And it's WAY less expensive than the diamond-center-stone version. So, I think when the time comes (if it ever does), I may mention to SCL that I'd like to look at other stones. You know, sapphires are rarer than diamonds.
The other day I asked SCL if he still thought it was kind of silly that I wanted a "not small" diamond engagement ring. I have fat fingers, sue me! I've mentioned before that this has been a point of contention between us in the past. He said, "Not as much." Ha!
Let's be honest. Diamonds have got some serious baggage. We need only recall Blood Diamond to remember why. SCL and I are in agreement that any rings we get need to be conflict-free. Back when we were looking at rings, I found this site Brilliant Earth and instantly fell in love: totally conflict-free diamonds, recycled metal, but still way expensive.
So last night as I struggled to fall asleep in my strange hotel room, I got to thinking of alternatives. I'm not a traditional woman; so why would I want a traditional ring? I began googling "alternative engagement rings" when I came upon sapphire rings. Look at this beauty.
Weddings, Weddings Everywhere
And not a single one for me.
For a woman in a complicated relationship, wedding season is a toughie. I've done a bachelorette party. Next week I'll be celebrating my friend L's wedding. Next month I'll be celebrating my friend C's wedding. I get a month off, and then another friend's wedding in October. Not to mention blog friend Nicole just got engaged (yay!). Oh, and last night I boohooed through Bethenny Frankel's wedding on Bethenny Getting Married? Yes, I am a huge emotional dork and reality TV junkie. I own that. Besides the sheer expense of lots of friends getting married (totally worth it, but yikes!), there's the emotional cost of struggling with my own relationship and where it's headed.
The year between having been SCL dating for 6 months and when we'd been dating about a year and a half (when I still believed we were getting engaged soon), I was pretty wedding fixated. One of my favorite wedding daydreams was thinking about our first dance. SCL and I are both ballroom dancers, so I imagined foxtrotting to Frank Sinatra or some other crooner in a beautiful gown, the crowd "oo"ing and "ah"ing at our mad dance skills. I struggled with the right song though. "Our" song is really inappropriate--"PDA (We Just Don't Care)" by John Legend on his Once Again
album. It's about getting down in public. Not exactly the kind of song you'd want to play in front of the old folks. Or my big brothers.
See how easily I slipped back into it? For fuck's sake, even just blogging about it puts me back there. I digress.
As I fretted over how I'm going to survive this wedding season, I figured, hey, I'm going to be surrounded by this wedding stuff for the foreseeable future; how do I make the most of it? I've decided to try to examine my own desires to get engaged, have a wedding, and get married. What's really behind this? I'd like to think that it's just that I love SCL and want a "life buddy" as my friend L describes it. But I think it's more than just that. I think part of it goes deeper to my own lack of self-confidence and self-worth, probably a result of my abandonment issues from having a shit father--some inner lacking that even the most beautiful wedding couldn't satiate.
And the thing is, my head fucking knows this already. Look at my friend going through a divorce. I was her maid of honor--beautiful wedding, beautiful couple, and now look at where they are. They don't even like each other anymore. And look at my own mom--divorced and abandoned by the person she thought she'd love forever. I know it all in my head, but the truth is in my own self-delusion, I think that it won't happen to me. Just like a lethal car accident, lightening strike, breast cancer, or other horrible tragic things. The truth it, any and all of these things very well could happen in my life--a divorce being one of the more likely.
So, what's up with this fixation on marriage? The truth is, I don't know. My friend (at least I like to think we would be friends) Elizabeth Gilbert (author of the beloved Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia
) just published a new book called Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage
. And I am obsessed with it. So obsessed, in fact, that I plan to write many a blog entry about it. Maybe I'll even write about it a chapter at a time because it's that good. I hope you'll stick with me as I work through this very though-provoking book and uncover my own feelings, desires, and beliefs about marriage---and hopefully see what it is I'm really after.
For a woman in a complicated relationship, wedding season is a toughie. I've done a bachelorette party. Next week I'll be celebrating my friend L's wedding. Next month I'll be celebrating my friend C's wedding. I get a month off, and then another friend's wedding in October. Not to mention blog friend Nicole just got engaged (yay!). Oh, and last night I boohooed through Bethenny Frankel's wedding on Bethenny Getting Married? Yes, I am a huge emotional dork and reality TV junkie. I own that. Besides the sheer expense of lots of friends getting married (totally worth it, but yikes!), there's the emotional cost of struggling with my own relationship and where it's headed.
The year between having been SCL dating for 6 months and when we'd been dating about a year and a half (when I still believed we were getting engaged soon), I was pretty wedding fixated. One of my favorite wedding daydreams was thinking about our first dance. SCL and I are both ballroom dancers, so I imagined foxtrotting to Frank Sinatra or some other crooner in a beautiful gown, the crowd "oo"ing and "ah"ing at our mad dance skills. I struggled with the right song though. "Our" song is really inappropriate--"PDA (We Just Don't Care)" by John Legend on his Once Again
album. It's about getting down in public. Not exactly the kind of song you'd want to play in front of the old folks. Or my big brothers.See how easily I slipped back into it? For fuck's sake, even just blogging about it puts me back there. I digress.
As I fretted over how I'm going to survive this wedding season, I figured, hey, I'm going to be surrounded by this wedding stuff for the foreseeable future; how do I make the most of it? I've decided to try to examine my own desires to get engaged, have a wedding, and get married. What's really behind this? I'd like to think that it's just that I love SCL and want a "life buddy" as my friend L describes it. But I think it's more than just that. I think part of it goes deeper to my own lack of self-confidence and self-worth, probably a result of my abandonment issues from having a shit father--some inner lacking that even the most beautiful wedding couldn't satiate.
And the thing is, my head fucking knows this already. Look at my friend going through a divorce. I was her maid of honor--beautiful wedding, beautiful couple, and now look at where they are. They don't even like each other anymore. And look at my own mom--divorced and abandoned by the person she thought she'd love forever. I know it all in my head, but the truth is in my own self-delusion, I think that it won't happen to me. Just like a lethal car accident, lightening strike, breast cancer, or other horrible tragic things. The truth it, any and all of these things very well could happen in my life--a divorce being one of the more likely.
So, what's up with this fixation on marriage? The truth is, I don't know. My friend (at least I like to think we would be friends) Elizabeth Gilbert (author of the beloved Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia
) just published a new book called Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage. And I am obsessed with it. So obsessed, in fact, that I plan to write many a blog entry about it. Maybe I'll even write about it a chapter at a time because it's that good. I hope you'll stick with me as I work through this very though-provoking book and uncover my own feelings, desires, and beliefs about marriage---and hopefully see what it is I'm really after.
Girls' Weekend!...But First, More Thoughts on Marriage
Today I'm heading up to Boston for my first bachelorette party, celebrating the soon-to-be wed C who was my sorority little sister. I haven't seen her since 2006, so I'm very excited for this rendezvous weekend of shenanigans.
But I've still got a lot going on in my head about this whole future thing.
As a child of divorced parents, I thought I'd be freaked out by the idea of marrying someone because all I heard about was how I was more likely to get divorced myself than my peers with married parents. My mom pounded into my head that I didn't need a man, but that I would date lots and lots of them before finding the right one. Even then this didn't resonate with me, but I did like the idea of not needing anyone. When I had my first serious boyfriend in college, though, the idea of marriage was less scary because I was in love for the first time and of course thought I'd met the man I was going to marry. I daydreamed about having a house together and sharing a happy life together. Quite sickening stuff actually, but normal for a 20-year-old. I thought I'd be married by age 25. Crazy kid.
When my college boyfriend and I broke up after he hooked up with one of my friends, I enjoyed single life for several years. I didn't date anyone really, just made friends and focused on myself. I was surrounded by powerful single women for the first time and began considering what my life would look like without a partner. It didn't scare me to think about being like these amazing women who had the freedom to kick ass in the world on their own. I figured I'd eventually move to DC, establish myself in my career, meet an older, established man, and get married when I was in my mid-30s. Sounded like a fabulous plan.
Then SCL came into my life. He was not what I had planned--younger, academic, and (yikes) in a relationship. But after nearly a year of flirtation and sexual tension, eventually we gave in and got together. I thought he'd be a fling. I was finishing up grad school and really desired no lasting connection to the school. But our time together was intoxicating, and soon we found ourselves in that all-consuming, nearly blinding infatuation stage. I couldn't just let go of that.
In those early weeks I felt that I loved him and that this was going to be the man I'd marry. And that feeling, while it sometimes wavers, is still there now. Sometimes I wish I were more freaked out by the idea of marriage, that I was in that place of being fine with it happening or not happening. But thoughts like that are so different in the abstract when there is no smart, handsome, compassionate man in my life.
I do want a life with SCL. I believe in him and in the work he's doing. We share the same values and view the world in similar ways. He challenges me and pushes me in ways that I need to be challenged and pushed. The core things we share are rare and beautiful. The barriers of age, maturity, and his being a student are temporary, and I guess I feel like if I can hang in there, he'll come around eventually. Perhaps this is a dangerous way to think about things, but for now it's where I place my hope.
But I've still got a lot going on in my head about this whole future thing.
As a child of divorced parents, I thought I'd be freaked out by the idea of marrying someone because all I heard about was how I was more likely to get divorced myself than my peers with married parents. My mom pounded into my head that I didn't need a man, but that I would date lots and lots of them before finding the right one. Even then this didn't resonate with me, but I did like the idea of not needing anyone. When I had my first serious boyfriend in college, though, the idea of marriage was less scary because I was in love for the first time and of course thought I'd met the man I was going to marry. I daydreamed about having a house together and sharing a happy life together. Quite sickening stuff actually, but normal for a 20-year-old. I thought I'd be married by age 25. Crazy kid.
When my college boyfriend and I broke up after he hooked up with one of my friends, I enjoyed single life for several years. I didn't date anyone really, just made friends and focused on myself. I was surrounded by powerful single women for the first time and began considering what my life would look like without a partner. It didn't scare me to think about being like these amazing women who had the freedom to kick ass in the world on their own. I figured I'd eventually move to DC, establish myself in my career, meet an older, established man, and get married when I was in my mid-30s. Sounded like a fabulous plan.
Then SCL came into my life. He was not what I had planned--younger, academic, and (yikes) in a relationship. But after nearly a year of flirtation and sexual tension, eventually we gave in and got together. I thought he'd be a fling. I was finishing up grad school and really desired no lasting connection to the school. But our time together was intoxicating, and soon we found ourselves in that all-consuming, nearly blinding infatuation stage. I couldn't just let go of that.
In those early weeks I felt that I loved him and that this was going to be the man I'd marry. And that feeling, while it sometimes wavers, is still there now. Sometimes I wish I were more freaked out by the idea of marriage, that I was in that place of being fine with it happening or not happening. But thoughts like that are so different in the abstract when there is no smart, handsome, compassionate man in my life.
I do want a life with SCL. I believe in him and in the work he's doing. We share the same values and view the world in similar ways. He challenges me and pushes me in ways that I need to be challenged and pushed. The core things we share are rare and beautiful. The barriers of age, maturity, and his being a student are temporary, and I guess I feel like if I can hang in there, he'll come around eventually. Perhaps this is a dangerous way to think about things, but for now it's where I place my hope.
Wedding Dreams
I usually remember my dreams, especially the ones I have in the early morning. Wedding dreams are not uncommon for me, but they're usually totally wackadoodle in some way. I'm either marrying the wrong person, like an old boyfriend, wearing something horrible, or planning it at the last second. But this morning's dream was lovely because this time almost all of the pieces were there: white dress, SCL, beloved friends and family...but I wasn't wearing an engagement ring.
Engagement has been a touchy subject for SCL and me. When he decided he wanted to go into a PhD program, I told him that I wanted a formal commitment from him. I knew it was going to be a long, tiring journey, and that his choice to go into the program would affect many things in our relationship--the amount of time and money he had to contribute being two of the main ones. I wanted to know we were in it together, and that he'd be there at the end of it. He agreed that another year of dating before an engagement was a good timeline, and so we moved in with each other with the expectation of an engagement in the spring of 2010.
My, my how things change.
In the fall we looked at rings. I knew I wanted something conflict-free, but that I did want a diamond. I guess there's part of me that's still a little traditional. And thus commenced our first fight about an engagement. He told me he thought diamonds were stupid, that they were artificially overpriced, and even the conflict-free ones couldn't be ensured to be mined without any human rights violations. Yikes. How does a person even respond to something like this? I think I responding by crying. He told me he wanted to get moissanite instead. I think that just made me cry harder.
I realized later that it was never about the diamond itself. It was about him not being ready and looking for excuses to delay or forego altogether a formal commitment to me. The closer it came to becoming a reality, the more freaked out he got about it. When we were discussing getting back together, he actually apologized for how he had treated the whole subject, that he saw how mean it had been to disregard my feelings about it. And he admitted that I was right--that he had just been looking for an excuse not to.
Now that we are taking things slowly and have made plans to separate our lives to a certain degree, I do feel less fixated on a long-term future with him. Thoughts of a wedding dress or engagement ring still cross my mind from time to time--and I still can't stop torturing myself by watching episodes of Say Yes to the Dress--but I'm trying not to think about it too much. This takes a lot of work, I'm finding. This weekend I'm going to a bachelorette party and have three weddings to attend this summer. It's difficult to be surrounded by friends who are at that stage of their relationships, and wondering why we didn't make it there--and if we ever will.
I know right now we need to work on rebuilding a foundation, enjoying one another, and establishing the loving friendship that will last in the midst of difficulty. Before I made the mistake of thinking too much about the future and letting the daily life we had together slip past me without intentionality. Ultimately, though, I do want to know that we are in this together, that we are moving closer together and sharing our lives, and this involves more than just the day to day life. It's also about long-term plans and expectations. And I don't know if we're in alignment about that yet.
Engagement has been a touchy subject for SCL and me. When he decided he wanted to go into a PhD program, I told him that I wanted a formal commitment from him. I knew it was going to be a long, tiring journey, and that his choice to go into the program would affect many things in our relationship--the amount of time and money he had to contribute being two of the main ones. I wanted to know we were in it together, and that he'd be there at the end of it. He agreed that another year of dating before an engagement was a good timeline, and so we moved in with each other with the expectation of an engagement in the spring of 2010.
My, my how things change.
In the fall we looked at rings. I knew I wanted something conflict-free, but that I did want a diamond. I guess there's part of me that's still a little traditional. And thus commenced our first fight about an engagement. He told me he thought diamonds were stupid, that they were artificially overpriced, and even the conflict-free ones couldn't be ensured to be mined without any human rights violations. Yikes. How does a person even respond to something like this? I think I responding by crying. He told me he wanted to get moissanite instead. I think that just made me cry harder.
I realized later that it was never about the diamond itself. It was about him not being ready and looking for excuses to delay or forego altogether a formal commitment to me. The closer it came to becoming a reality, the more freaked out he got about it. When we were discussing getting back together, he actually apologized for how he had treated the whole subject, that he saw how mean it had been to disregard my feelings about it. And he admitted that I was right--that he had just been looking for an excuse not to.
Now that we are taking things slowly and have made plans to separate our lives to a certain degree, I do feel less fixated on a long-term future with him. Thoughts of a wedding dress or engagement ring still cross my mind from time to time--and I still can't stop torturing myself by watching episodes of Say Yes to the Dress--but I'm trying not to think about it too much. This takes a lot of work, I'm finding. This weekend I'm going to a bachelorette party and have three weddings to attend this summer. It's difficult to be surrounded by friends who are at that stage of their relationships, and wondering why we didn't make it there--and if we ever will.
I know right now we need to work on rebuilding a foundation, enjoying one another, and establishing the loving friendship that will last in the midst of difficulty. Before I made the mistake of thinking too much about the future and letting the daily life we had together slip past me without intentionality. Ultimately, though, I do want to know that we are in this together, that we are moving closer together and sharing our lives, and this involves more than just the day to day life. It's also about long-term plans and expectations. And I don't know if we're in alignment about that yet.
Four Weddings and an Ordination
I've declared 2010 the Year of Weddings. I went through another of these right when I graduated from college (crazy kids who got married right after schoo!), and looks like year will be even crazier. SCL and I have been invited to four so far this year, two of which are less than a week apart and two time zones away from each other. And one of our friends is not only getting married, but also ordained as a minister! Needless to say, we've got quite a bit of travel planned for this summer and fall. Here's our current timeline:
End of March: Ordination in Philadelphia, PA
Mid-July: Wedding in New Haven, CT
Beginning of August: Wedding in Savannah, GA
Mid-August: Wedding in Denver, CO
Mid-October: Wedding in Philadelphia, PA
We are so excited for our friends and plan to attend all of these events, which is going to mean some serious extra costs, especially when we'll have to fly to Savannah and Denver. And, I've already stated that I hate the drive to CT up I-95 and would prefer not to drive, even though it would be cheaper.
Given the extra costs, we're trying to plan ahead so as not to be caught off-guard when these dates start approaching.
- Since we've been so on target with budgeting, we actually have a little excess, which we've now put into a joint savings account. It's a great start!
- As I wrote yesterday, I'm going to put a few hundred dollars into this savings account each month. It's nice to be able to do that!
- We're thinking of creative ways to get there. For example, we're considering taking the Bolt Bus to New York and then taking the local train to New Haven rather than taking Amtrak. Not quite as convenient but better than driving ourselves and much cheaper.
- Staying with friends. Let me say I am for the most part beyond sleeping on people's couches. Sorry, at some point I became a grown up, and I want to be well-rested for my friends' special days! But we also have friends with guest rooms, and I'm going to contact them early about having us stay. Hotels can be nice, but they're expensive. And besides that, it's more fun to stay with friends!
- Staying fewer nights. A lot of these places are not too hard to get to and from, and even if it makes it an early morning or a late night, we might think about staying just one night if possible. I like sleeping in my own bed anyway.
I'm hoping that we might be able to make one of these trips more like a vacation (one of our goals as a couple is to take a trip together every year.) Maybe we'll splurge on a nicer place in one of the cities. But for the most part, this'll be an experiment in balancing frugal but relatively comfortable traveling.
Wedding Dress Weekend
Our good friends L and J got engaged about a month ago, and I was thrilled when L called to ask if I'd join her for a weekend of wedding dress shopping. Um, of course! It's given me an actual reason to look at bridal gowns online and watch episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress." I did both of these things before, but now I have a very good excuse: research.
It's so cute to see them both so happy, and I have to give J a lot of credit because last night he was watching the shows right there with us. He doesn't seem at all bored or annoyed by any of it, the way that some men can be. None of this "I'll just show up, you do this rest" nonsense. They are really modeling partnership in the decisions they're making.
It's really nice to have friends striving to have the same kind of partnership that SCL and I work towards.
Now it's time for lots of pouf, sparkle, and lace!
It's so cute to see them both so happy, and I have to give J a lot of credit because last night he was watching the shows right there with us. He doesn't seem at all bored or annoyed by any of it, the way that some men can be. None of this "I'll just show up, you do this rest" nonsense. They are really modeling partnership in the decisions they're making.
It's really nice to have friends striving to have the same kind of partnership that SCL and I work towards.
Now it's time for lots of pouf, sparkle, and lace!
Monday's Post, A Day Late
We got back from Wedding Land late-ish on Sunday night (aka 9:30, a mere half hour before I usually fall asleep.) I did the best I could to unpack and put things away, but after sitting in a car all afternoon, I didn't feel like thinking about the week ahead or going back to work. I realized how dependent I am on the weekend to refresh and reorganize, and without it I'm feeling a little out of sorts. We haven't been grocery shopping, we haven't done any kind of cleaning other than some laundry, and we're expecting a house guest on Friday night. I'm also way overly scheduled this week, albeit all fun stuff I want to do, but it's not quite as fun when I'm tired and cranky.
Next time we go out town, I'm hoping we/I can improve things a bit by doing some of the following:
1. Go grocery shopping for the following week ahead of time. We had Friday evening and some of Saturday, but we were more planning for the weekend than what we had to do when we got back.
2. Plan our on-the-road snacks and meals a bit better. We ended up skipping lunch on Saturday and then were famished for dinner by 5. I ended up with a horrible headache that night and didn't really get to enjoy being away because of it.
3. Resist the urge to get overbooked the following days after a trip. I've kind of shot myself in the foot for the week because I won't be getting home until at least 8:00 every night. That means if I want to go to the store, it'll be late and I won't be in the mood for it.
4. Figure out what things can wait until the following weekend. I need to chillax and realize it's ok if I didn't get to reorganize my closet by color this week. (Ok, I'm not that bad, but you know what I mean. Most things I feel I have to do aren't that important and can wait.)
What are your tips for readjusting to life after a weekend of travel?
Next time we go out town, I'm hoping we/I can improve things a bit by doing some of the following:
1. Go grocery shopping for the following week ahead of time. We had Friday evening and some of Saturday, but we were more planning for the weekend than what we had to do when we got back.
2. Plan our on-the-road snacks and meals a bit better. We ended up skipping lunch on Saturday and then were famished for dinner by 5. I ended up with a horrible headache that night and didn't really get to enjoy being away because of it.
3. Resist the urge to get overbooked the following days after a trip. I've kind of shot myself in the foot for the week because I won't be getting home until at least 8:00 every night. That means if I want to go to the store, it'll be late and I won't be in the mood for it.
4. Figure out what things can wait until the following weekend. I need to chillax and realize it's ok if I didn't get to reorganize my closet by color this week. (Ok, I'm not that bad, but you know what I mean. Most things I feel I have to do aren't that important and can wait.)
What are your tips for readjusting to life after a weekend of travel?
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