The Accusation

"You're trying to manipulate me." 

That was the ex's response to me crying that I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

For the record, I wasn't. I would never imagine saying something that serious to someone just to hurt them or scare them. What I said was how I felt in that moment, but he couldn't understand that.

About three weeks ago, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I'd been having what my therapist called "depressive episodes" for over six months. These episodes were irregular and usually sparked by some trauma (usually having to do with the ex), but no matter the reason for them, the feeling they brought was the same each time: despair that nothing will ever get better.

With the help of my therapist and my own strong will, I managed to claw my way out of these trenches with exercise, eating well, journaling, spending time with friends, etc., but each time another one hit and I was hurled back into the valley, my energy to pull myself out again felt more and more depleted, and my faith in the universe diminished.

The episodes began happening at shorter intervals, every few weeks. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I sobbed to my therapist that I couldn't keep doing this over and over again. The next day I had an appointment with my primary care provider to discuss starting a medication to help me deal.

I rattled off the things I had tried to help myself out of this: exercise, meditation, good diet, regular therapy sessions, journaling, vitamin D supplements, self-help books, distractions. But nothing was was working anymore. I felt helpless.

"In all my time working here, I've never seen anyone try as hard as you have to help yourself out of depression," the doctor said gently. "You aren't giving up. You're sick, and it isn't your fault." I started crying; I felt so relieved to hear someone else say that what I was going through wasn't something a normal person could endure on her own. I started on Lexapro the following day. The doctor said it could take up to a month to begin working. So far I haven't experienced any relief, just fatigue and a few lost pounds. But I'm putting my faith in  the pills; it's the best I've got at the moment.

7 comments:

  1. I just wanted to offer a hug and support. It's horrible going through this kind of thing. What the doctor said reverberates for us all -- I've been in the boat of berating myself for not being able to lift myself out of sadness but then I wouldn't expect to, say, help myself manage diabetes through will alone. Hang in there. I've heard good things about Lexapro. If it doesn't work, it just may mean it's not the right drug. xoxo

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  2. the only way out of this pain is through it...


    One step at a time, darling...

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  3. Good job on fighting and not quitting. Randomly enough, one of my favorite quotes seems fitting.

    "If you are going through hell, keep going"
    -Winston Churchill

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  4. Just a big thanks to everyone who's reading along and sending me words of encouragement. It really does mean a lot to me.

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  5. Okay I'm crying right now. I wish there's was something I could do. And I've been there. You're working hard to feel better and you will get out of it. Love you hon.

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  6. You are so strong. (And sometimes being strong means admitting you need some extra assistance.) Keep taking care of yourself.

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  7. I think you are brave and you are strong. Instead of continuing to suffer, you are taking the necessary steps to feeling better. I hope the medication kicks in soon and you start to feel better.

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