What I Wanted

I wanted to be the one to be move on and have a new partner before he did. It only seemed fair after I'd had my heart broken to be the one to mend first. I threw myself back out there, started dating and even fell for a few of the assholes I encountered. Somehow he can live essentially as a recluse and get a new girlfriend.

I wanted him to be lonely and miserable because of it. Instead I was there for him, letting him string me along as I spoke sugar-coated lies of false hope to myself that maybe now that the circumstances were different, he'd realize that we belonged together.

It's not that I want him back. I don't, at least for the most part. I'm just pissed that he gets the girl, and I get nothing.

What I want now is to forget him, to remove every trace of him from my memory, to extract every dream of a life with him from my mind. To quit torturing myself over him and what I could have done differently, to stop replaying Thursday's confrontation in my head.

I want out of this sinking hole. I want something to start making sense to me. The pain of this will never go away completely, I don't think. But I want something to click for me, something that reinforces that this was never the life I was supposed to live.

I want to meet someone who reassures me that my ex wasn't the best I'd ever get.

8 comments:

  1. OK, first, I have to say that I don't want you to think I am weird for commenting so much recently, but well, you are talking about something I know a little too well.

    Anyway, here it goes. "The pain of this will never go away completely, I don't think." Yes, it will. If you can believe anyone about that particular thing, you can believe me. I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt and the parking ticket.

    So yeah, when we are the ones that get fucked over, we want to be the first to come out ahead. The problem is since we were generally blindsided, the other person was not, so they are already a step ahead of us.

    Healing emotionally is not a sprint. It is a marathon. You cannot rush it and there is no set timeline. So don't try to rush it. In fact, don't really worry about it. It will happen when it does. If you keep pushing it though, it will take longer. I can promise you that

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  2. I don't think you're weird at all. I appreciate your comments--and the perspective of someone a few steps ahead of me.

    I'm caught in this lie that I actually haven't healed at all in a year, which I don't think is true. It's just that it still hurts. But, I have moved--not as far as I've liked, but it's something.

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  3. You're ex is NOT the best you're ever going to have. I will promise you that right now. I know it seems that way right now but it isn't always going to be that way. I promise.

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  4. "The problem is since we were generally blindsided, the other person was not, so they are already a step ahead of us." As The Divorced Guy said, this, yes and YES. It doesn't really help heal your wounds, if he was the one to break it off, he was miles ahead of you in regards to "getting over it."

    To be completely honest, if you're dating someone from your past it's not really moving "on", is it? It's sort of like moving backwards...

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  5. He is not the one in control of your emotional state. You are.

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  6. you will get something better! you know why? bc you are a beautiful, confident, awesome girl!

    -K

    but yeah, this feeling sucks

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  7. Tinderbox--yeah, I get that. Just doesn't always feel that way when you're blindsided.

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  8. until you (and you surely will) meet that someone, the rest of us telling you that those weren't the best days of your life and he wasn't the best for you will have to do.

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