What I want more than anything is to stop wanting what I want. If only I could say with sincerity that I am satisfied with my life as it is, that the good things about it are enough for me, and that anything else--a relationship, children, money--would be a bonus.
Being in a partnership and having a family are central to the vision I have for my life, so how do I go about not wanting them? The way some people talk about love, the simple wanting of something in this arena, much less striving for it even, means that we probably won't find it.
"It'll come to you when you're not looking for it."
I can't force myself to quit looking for something I desire. It'd be like like trying to ignore the rumbling of an empty stomach or the sandpaper feeling of a parched throat. I might be able to distract myself momentarily, but the idea of satiation is never going to escape me.
I like the idea of being satisfied within myself, but I have no idea how to go about it.
When I first started taking voice lessons, I was in heaven. I loved the practice, I loved trying new exercises, and I was in love with the idea that it was just a matter of time before I perfected my art. Then at some point I crossed the threshold of blissful ignorance to the painful realization of understanding how much I didn't know and how much I couldn't do, and not having any cultivated any real skill yet, I fell into a place of frustration.
That's how I feel now. I know how much I have to learn about being at peace with myself, but I have no idea how to go about achieving it. But, if like with my voice, I can manage to push through this period of despair, I do believe I'll learn something important, something to take with me through this journey that will help.
I don't think you need to stop wanting what you want. But, in the meantime, while you are healing, concentrate on the rest of your life. Are all other areas how you'd like them to be? Are you happy in your job? Where you live? Your friends? If no, what do you need to do to change things? Focus on that right now.
ReplyDeleteAlso I think that whole "love comes when you're not looking for it" is not true. It's ok to look, as long as your expectations aren't too high. Date if you want to date (or not if you're not ready). Just don't go into every one assessing his marriage/kids potential. Enjoy meeting people, and if something works out, great. If not, move on. Develop your sense of intuition and listen to it.
All that said, I think you have a great attitude of learning from this. The only way out of pain is through. No shortcuts! ;) My thoughts are with you!
Love you lady!
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with wanting what you want. But as far as a relationship, any that you have will be disastrous at this point because you aren't satisfied with yourself.
ReplyDeleteHave to love yourself before someone can love you.
And if you are still crying over someone, you aren't ready to be with someone else, and that isn't a bad thing. It's just normal.
TDG, yeah, but how do you do that?
ReplyDeleteI don't understand the whole "You'll find what you're looking for when you stop looking for it" thing. It's superstition, and in my experience, it's not true.
ReplyDeleteIf what you want is a partnership and a family, then you should be looking for someone who can be a partner to you and who wants a family with you. This is a lesson you learned from your previous relationship: if he isn't willing or able to give as much as you are, he needs to be gone, sooner rather than later.
In my opinion, you need to focus less on the being in a relationship part and instead on the finding the right person part. Know what you want (and what you don't want) and be specific. And don't just wait for it to fall in your lap: actively seek it out.
In the meantime, work on getting yourself in a healthy place so that when you do meet the right guy, you are ready for him. I don't know how to tell you to get to this point, but I think constantly trying to repress yourself is probably not a step in the right direction. Stop berating yourself for feeling how you feel or wanting what you want. Being critical of the things that are important to you, especially when they are completely normal and understandable, is just going to make you even more uncomfortable with yourself. Instead of trying to turn yourself into the person you think you'll be happier with, just try being the person you are.
The only advice I have for you on this is giving it time. I've been mainly single for 2 years, since the one who broke me. It's been the last 6 months that I've truly become happy with my life and who I am. Cutting out the fat (aka drama) was a huge lesson learned, but I also had to allow myself time to heal. It's ok to want though. I still want to get married and have children, it's just not something I think about as much as I used to. Have faith that you will get there!
ReplyDeleteThis post is SO true and I have zero great advice, I just want to say I'm sorry you're struggling, but you are also not alone. Big hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh, and the ex is a big dickbag and he didn't deserve you. I hope he and his new GF have ugly children together. Bitterness feels good sometimes. Oh, and vodka helps. I stand corrected, I do have advice. Make a voodoo doll with his pic on it and poke lots of pins in it before you throw it away, along with thoughts of him and the girl. (They don't deserve your time.) Then drink. Cheers!
Oh, and blogger won't seem to let me post today through my gmail, so I'm choosing "anonymous", but that always seems creepy to me, so my name is Michelle. ;)
Michelle, you win! Thanks for making me laugh.
ReplyDelete