I think I've ranted about most, if not all, of the things I needed to about running into the ex and his new girl (aka The Obsession). It was the long time comin' final nail in the coffin of our dead relationship. As much as it fucking hurts, there's nowhere to go but forward because I'm sure as hell not staying in the same place.
I'm not sure at what point in our relationship I handed him the keys to my happiness and never asked for them back. But, I want them back. I want it all back.
The inner critic--the little bastard who lives in our head and shouts nasty things to us all day--has been having a fucking field day with this situation. He's been yelling at me non-stop since Thursday night, and basically, I'm ready for him to shut the fuck up. Enough already.
Truth is, I'll never know what went on in my ex's head or what his situation is now or how things could've been different if I'd held back more or asked for less or learned to live in a state of complacency rather than asking for what I wanted. I could spend the rest of my life trying to figure this thing out, but what kind of life would that be?
Is it possible not to take to heart the fact that you weren't what someone else wanted? And not just anyone else, but the person you loved the most? Just who I was wasn't enough for him. Shouldn't that turn me off instead of making me feel like I should have just been someone else? I'm trying to move away from the latter and into the former. Because damn it, I am enough. I can't let his acceptance, or lack thereof, serve as the measuring stick of my worthiness as a human being.
Enough, inner critic. Enough, ex-boyfriend. Enough already. Because I am enough.
Yes you are!!!
ReplyDeleteOMG this is so timely. I was just talking about this in counseling, about how I never felt "enough" as a kid and then repeated the pattern in a past relationship. But we are enough.
ReplyDeleteI also just stopped reading the book "It's called a breakup because it's broken" and the authors discuss this in a lighthearted and healing way. They discuss their own terrible breakups and also how important it is to realize you don't really want to be involved with someone who isn't crazy about you.
The other book I read, "Attached: The Science of Human Attachment" says that for some people, this (signals of partner pulling away or being less invested) triggers a longing that can be difficult to sever.
I started looking inside and tried to squelch those thoughts that if I were prettier, thinner, etc. he'd want me, but I'm now trying to value me for being enough. Taking the keys back to happiness. Thank you for this post, it's awesome.
I highly recommend the above two books, btw. They shed huge amounts of insight and were an enormous comfort through some incredibly rocky times.
Love you lady.
ReplyDeleteBravo
ReplyDeleteThis is the most difficult part of a breakup. Intellectually, you know that you should say "Screw him if he doesn't want me" and walk away. But emotionally, it's never that easy. It's almost impossible to think rationally when you are hurting. The good thing is that you are turning that corner and realizing that you are enough and you deserve to be with someone who adores you. Good for you...taking back your own happiness. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteIt took me months to get over a girlfriend who broke up with me a couple of years ago. Months. And, just when I thought I was all better it was all slammed back in my face. I was at a Caps playoff game and saw her with the new guy she traded me in for, sitting the season tix seats she gave me for my birthday (and then took back). It was a punch in the gut that reopened the old wound. Although it never overwhelmed my life, it still hurt and now, even a couple years later, I still don't like the way that memory feels.
ReplyDeleteTime doesn't heal all wounds, but eventually the scar tissue gets tough enough for you to ignore the nagging discomfort. Keep your chin up and you'll prove you're the better person.
I have been there before, girl. Take heart. It does get better. He will matter less. And you are enough. In fact you're way better.
ReplyDeleteWell f*cking said.
ReplyDelete