He ruined me.

For just a moment I wish I could force him to feel the weight and the depth and the seriousness of the pain he's caused me. It would probably break him to feel something that strongly. I know that despite my not leaving bed yesterday or even brushing my teeth that somehow I am the stronger one. I'm not forced to compartmentalize my emotions. I somehow bear them even when I feel like I can't.

He told me nothing he could say would satisfy me. No, nothing he could say would put the pieces of me back together that he broke over and over again. He ruined me.

He referred to the "problems" we had. If he thinks that anything other than his inability to be transparent with me was the root of our issues, then he is deluded beyond my comprehension. We would have either broken up sooner, minimizing the pain on my end, or we would have been able to work through it.

I have re-played our confrontation in my mind a thousand times. I'm glad I didn't yell at her, as much as I wanted to. I imagine slapping him with the force of my entire being--and I wonder if given the chance if I really would. If I really could hit the cheek I used to kiss with deep love and affection. Physical pain seems like the only harm I could cause him. He looked at me with no guilt or shame in his eyes--just indifference and disconnection.

My life is a cosmic joke.

2 comments:

  1. I really feel your pain honey. If you need anything I am absolutely here for you. Let me know.

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  2. You are not alone. Just remember that

    ReplyDelete