I understand on an intellectual level that I what I actually miss about my ex is mostly the idea of him. I miss the hodgepodge of two years' worth of good memories I've welded together and repackaged to myself as "our relationship." Truthfully, while we certainly had many good times together, more often than not I had a lingering suspicion that caused me to doubt my standing with him. Turns out it was founded in the thing I feared the most--there was someone else.
But on a visceral level, my whole being longs for him now more than ever. I long for him to feel something other than disgust towards me. I'd rather him lash out than ignore me like he's doing now. Every second of silence sends me deeper into my psychological ravine.
I wish I could hate him. I wish seeing him with the girl he always loved more made me despise him. Even more so, I wish I could feel nothing more than indifference towards him. Like the way he looked at me the other night. Some shock was in his eyes, but no trace of hurt, anger, or guilt. Just a look of, "Why the hell do I have to deal with you right now?"
I saw the potential in him. And that is what I cannot seem to let go of--believing in a better version of himself. He may accuse me of many things, but what he should not dare question was my deep faith in him. I strove to be encouraging of his desires, even when he told me about the girl. I remember telling him, "You have three options with her. Cut her out, learn to be her friend, or go for it."
I never imagined he'd actually choose the last option. He was my heart, and I was his stand-in. He strung me along and treated me unfairly, and now he gets the girl? I used to believe that this heartache meant something better was on the way. But now that just feels like a lie I've been telling myself.