The Idea of You

I understand on an intellectual level that I what I actually miss about my ex is mostly the idea of him. I miss the hodgepodge of two years' worth of good memories I've welded together and repackaged to myself as "our relationship." Truthfully, while we certainly had many good times together, more often than not I had a lingering suspicion that caused me to doubt my standing with him. Turns out it was founded in the thing I feared the most--there was someone else.

But on a visceral level, my whole being longs for him now more than ever. I long for him to feel something other than disgust towards me. I'd rather him lash out than ignore me like he's doing now. Every second of silence sends me deeper into my psychological ravine.

I wish I could hate him. I wish seeing him with the girl he always loved more made me despise him. Even more so, I wish I could feel nothing more than indifference towards him. Like the way he looked at me the other night. Some shock was in his eyes, but no trace of  hurt, anger, or guilt. Just a look of, "Why the hell do I have to deal with you right now?"

I saw the potential in him. And that is what I cannot seem to let go of--believing in a better version of himself. He may accuse me of many things, but what he should not dare question was my deep faith in him. I strove to be encouraging of his desires, even when he told me about the girl. I remember telling him, "You have three options with her. Cut her out, learn to be her friend, or go for it."

I never imagined he'd actually choose the last option. He was my heart, and I was his stand-in. He strung me along and treated me unfairly, and now he gets the girl? I used to believe that this heartache meant something better was on the way. But now that just feels like a lie I've been telling myself.

3 comments:

  1. I read something a long time ago that I kept saying to myself over and over again that helped me get over heartache. I can honestly say that I understand the feeling you have. Anyway, what I kept telling myself was, "I love you, but I love me more"

    And after a while, indifference came.

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  2. Have you heard of the theory of 'emotional intelligence'? (actually, I think it's a whole theory of intelligences, I can't find the research paper right now but it exists somewhere...). I'm thinking SCL just lacks emotional intelligence: the ability to interpret his emotions, which has basically resulted in him stumbling all over your feelings, too. I know I've done it in the past.

    He's probably going to just keep doing it without realizing he's doing anything wrong. I know it doesn't help matters much. This sucks so much.

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  3. I still look back at exes sometime. And where they had a strength that my husband doesn't I sometimes think "gee, I wish I could have that back!" But then I make sure to remember why they're exes and why my husband is my husband. It's the problem with baggage and life.

    You are better off. I promise you that you are better off without him and you're going to find someone that treats you so much better.

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