I have several what I refer to as "boyfriend boxes" at my mom's house in Georgia. You know, the places where all your cute couple stuff goes to die after a break-up? The box you try to stuff all the crap you had together but can't quite part with? If only it were so easy to do that with the emotional baggage--box it up and store it in the closet, out of sight, out of mind.
One of the traditional break-up rules is to put away the couple crap. I've removed what I can from my living space that reminds me of the sweet times SCL and I shared. The bigger items--the couch, the table, the apartment itself--obviously have to stay put for the time being. Even though we were together for nearly two years, the box is pretty small. SCL was never one for random gifts or cards; those were for the big days--birthdays, Valentine's Day, anniversaries. I always looked forward to them because he made it a point to write me a sweet card that brought tears to my eyes. Until this Valentine's day when he simply wrote "Thanks for being a best friend." Red flag, anyone?
The box has been packed, (loosely) taped (to accommodate additional items I come across that have earned a place in SCL's boyfriend box), and stored under the bed. I even put my journals from the last two years in there. They weren't all about him, but his name pops up enough that I just didn't want to deal with it. Even if I don't look at the rest of the stuff ever again, those I know I'll want to keep. Before putting the box away, I read through some of his old cards, and I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe how tender his words were, how thoughtful he'd been, how much he seemed to admire and cherish me. What happened to that person? I don't know when he checked out, but that's not the person I was in a relationship with a month ago.
So, the boyfriend box is stuffed, the reality about the bigger things has set in, but what about this?
The sexy lingerie. The lingerie I bought for him, for us. If I remember correctly, I bought this the summer after we started dating. Like a lot of guys, SCL was nervous in a lingerie store (too much pink, lace, and underwire for his taste), but I convinced him to come in and help me pick something out. As far as his tastes in lingerie go, he's pretty traditional--black, lace, silk, classy. When I saw this sexy little set, I knew I had to get it.
So, now what do I do with it? Do I throw it away? Seems like a waste. But wouldn't it be weird to save it for the next guy? Putting it in the boyfriend box seems kind of odd, too. For now, it's just sitting in the back of my underwear drawer, taking up space and occasionally showing up, constantly reminding me of my single girl status.
I miss the intimacy with SCL, and I don't mean just sex. I miss how he knew so many pieces of me, so many parts I never share with anyone else. The problem was he wasn't letting me into those private places of his heart and mind. That always bothered me. My willingness to let him in wasn't reciprocated. He never really trusted me. At first I thought it was just that he was more of a private person, and that I needed to give him more time. But as it turns out, he was never going to let me in. He did have something to hide.
Then, I have to ask, did we ever have true intimacy? I don't think so because it was mostly one-sided. I suppose, then, that I miss the illusion of intimacy with SCL. I miss believing that we really had everything going for us. As it turns out, we didn't.