Feeling Blah about the "I Don't Know"

When SCL and I were broken up, I had so much emotion that writing a blog post took little if any effort at all. It was easy to think about what to say that morning and the next morning and the next morning. And when we first began working things out, I felt the same. But now that things aren't as intense, I'm not sure how I feel in general, much less how I feel about blogging.

Reader Katie left me a comment yesterday that's something to think about. A lot to think about. The truth is I'm not feeling satisfied with my interactions with SCL. We have a good time, we enjoy one another's company, but it's difficult to accept that as enough when we've come from a place of deep intimacy and connection in the past. I know it hasn't been that long (less than two months) since SCL came back and said he wanted to try to work things out. And it's only been two weeks since he moved into his new place. But how long is too long? I feel like I'm trying to meet him where he needs me to, but what about me?

I do want clarity. I do want to know where this is heading. I am not satisfied with simply hanging out and being "whatever" together. I told him some version of this yesterday, and he responded that he's adjusting to not living together and figuring out what that means. This is fair, I guess, but it won't be an adequate response forever.

The part that's difficult is believing deep down that he's the person I'm going to be with (so it's ok to wait for him) and not getting what I want in the present. I seem to be putting a lot of hope and expectation on the future for when he comes around. I don't know if I'm hopeful or just outright delusional.


  1. Hello,

    I don't remember exactly how I stumbled across your blog but I've been reading for the past month or so. I'm going through something similar with my boyfriend of two and a half years right now... we're not entirely broken up but we're not exactly together either. In today's blog it's almost like you've ripped the thoughts out of my mind. I definitely struggle with whether it's better to be hopeful or if I'm being delusional. I'm really hoping things work out for you. I have to say I really appreciate your blog... it comforts me to know that I'm not the only one going through these things and riding the emotional roller coaster of a confusing relationship.

  2. Although I know the wait is hard (believe me, I know) I think you need to remember that something like this does take time. If you push too much you could end up pushing him right away.

    Yes, you did come from a place where you were both very close. But then you broke up. And that hurt of lot of that closeness. And sometimes it just takes time to build that up again.

    This is coming from a girl who was given a second chance and pushed WAY too hard and WAY too fast. While I think in the end my ex and I would have broken up again anyway (we just were not meant for each other) I also think I was part of the problem with my pushing and need for clarity.

  3. I saw on Nicole's blog that you wanted to enter our giveaway, so come and check it out. You may just win!

  4. To me it seems like he's dragging his feet on something. He either knows where he's at or he doesn't. And if he's in between, he owes you some clarity as to why he feels like he's there.

  5. I'm sure it is extremely frustrating to have to act in an unnatural way. What I mean by that is when we love someone, we want to act that way towards them. We want to do what comes natural for us, and that is to act like a loving couple. When you're forced to behave in a manner that is contradictory to these natural instincts, it just doesn't feel either good or right. Why should you be afraid that any false move on your part will send him skittering away? It's unfair, it's forced and it's unhealthy. FOR YOU. Honestly, I don't really care about him. Personally, I think he's a coward. He knows what he wants. He just doesn't have the kahunas to put it all out there once and for all.

    Knowing what I know about human behavior and relationships, based on a little more time on the planet and experience with men, I don't think he really wants to be in a relationship. Not like you do. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. I'm sure he does. He just isn't at the same place you are. For this reason, I truly believe that this thing he has going with you will die either a slow death, with him kind of stringing you along, waiting for him to come around and be what he was with you before, or a fast one, when you realize that you don't have to put up with this non-relationship relationship crap anymore. My hope for you is that you will grow tired of it all, sooner rather than later, and move on yourself, so that you will be open to meeting someone that DOES want what you want. Because with all sincerity, it just doesn't sound like he's "it". I just don't think he's "the one". I really, really hope you can take your power back and not leave the outcome in his hands. If you're not getting what you want, don't waste your time. NOBODY should have to play along with someone else's crap in order to be chosen by them. You're good enough to be chosen just the way you are, and that is a loving, caring, awesome young woman. There's a book I highly recommend for you called "You'll See It When You Believe It".

    You go girl. And remember.....nobody puts baby in a corner. You don't deserve to be set up on a shelf somewhere to be taken down and played with when the mood suits him.

  6. Hi Molly! We should definitely email. Send me one at thenonstudent (at) gmail (dot) com.

    Krysten and Ashley, you're kinda taking opposite sides, and I appreciate that. Don't push too hard, but not pushing at all might lead to more trouble. Ack, this is confusing.

  7. I don't want to take sides, mostly because I can see it from both sides. On the one hand, it hasn't been too long, he should have time to get his thoughts together, really think about what he wants, where you are in your relationship, where you can go, how you will get there, etc and of course all of that takes time. Sometimes lots of time. Logically, it makes sense that he doesn't quite know what he wants/ can't give you any clarity.

    But...but then there is your 'heart' part of the equation. In your head, you can understand and rationalize it. But in your heart, you want him to hurry the eff up and figure out what he wants and can't understand why he can't make a decision/ get some clarity when you can.

    So maybe I am going to take sides because I'm an optomist and I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt/ want to believe they have the best intentions, but I legitimately just think he needs more time to really adjust to what his 'new'-ish life is. It's up to you how long you are willing to wait for him to figure it out.

  8. I'm glad you thought my comment was helpful. :) I've been there before, and I know how draining it can be to be in that in-between stage with someone, especially with someone you definitely aren't in-between about.

    I also think Ashley above had some great advice. Force him to talk about his feelings in a little more depth. The answers you get might be illuminating and help push you in the right direction--whichever direction that might be.

  9. I understand, when I stopped seeing this guy all I did was talk about him even though I kept telling myself it wasn't going to take over my life. From there it was a span of two years of on and off relationships. I have to admit, everytime we were back to seeing each other it was a nice high but then when things fell apart my emotions would hit my lowest point. I remembered when I told my friends about him and what we were up to, all my friends said "just drop him" but I did not follow. I guess since I never had been in a relationship before, I was curious and still figuring out my emotions. In retrospect, yeah it was sad when it ended but it did teach me a big lesson about myself and my relationships with people

  10. I was with this guy on and off for two years and I have to admit, I felt high everytime we did see each other again and everytime he hurt me it me made meet the lowest points of my life. I remembered my friends would tell me to not pursue it but...I didn't listen because before I've never been in a relationship. I felt it was easy for my friends to say those things because they've probably been in that situation. In retrospect, yes it sucked how it ended but I learned a lot about myself and my relationships with people.