When SCL and I went to therapy that one time, we talked about our expectations in terms of time together, though not too specifically. I think we said something along the lines of seeing each other a couple times a week, which sounded reasonable at the time. But to go from living together to seeing each other twice a week would be quite the adjustment.
I can’t really say that we have a pattern yet since it’s been less than 3 weeks since SCL moved, and a week and a half of that time I was out of town. But so far this week we’ve seen each other every day for a few hours, except for yesterday. With SCL presenting a paper at a conference and my own occupation with a grant proposal and a schmoozy networking dinner, the day went by without even a phone call.
And you know, it was fine. I didn’t even think about it until I sat down to write this post. What I don’t know is if I’m prepared for how many of our days will be like yesterday. When we were still in New Haven, we had dinner together nearly every evening. So to think about having days go by with no interaction is challenging because we’ve never really done it before. I’m uncertain as to what that will mean for us growing together as a couple. Is the amount of time important?
I think in a lot of ways the cultural focus on “quality time” is kind of a crock of shit, even though I find myself playing into it. I think to myself yeah, we won’t have as much time together, but the time together we will have will be more intentional and therefore more meaningful. So far I can’t say that’s been true. It’s just that we now have a fragment of the normal time we’d spend together, usually making dinner, catching up about the day, and watching Jeopardy. And then we part ways.
Maybe this backing off and slowing down is what we need for now, but I can’t help but think that over time this will contribute to a stagnation in our growth as a couple. Of course it’s too soon to make judgments about that, but it is something I’m thinking about and wondering about. And having quantity is just as important as quality to me.
Obviously time is important, but how much is enough? And will a lack of time lead to relationship stagnation?ReplyDelete
Those are really interesting questions and I bet some psychologist is probably researching that somewhere. It will, at the very least, teach you a lot. BF and I didn't see each other for close to 6 months when we studied abroad on different continents (he in Europe, myself in South America). We emailed everyday, almost, and sometimes skyped, but I didn't have internet where I was living and the time difference made it difficult. Do I think my relationship stagnated? In some ways yes, I do. But I learned a heck of a lot about the importance of communication and a lot about what is important in our personal relationship.
So even though you have fears about your lack of time and the future of your relationship, I think you should try and learn what you can from this phase. It will not always be like this. Your relationship is fluid, constantly changing, because you are changing (learning, changing your priorities, recognizing new needs etc).
I think time apart is good BUT I like more together than not =( OH and The BF and I love Jeopardy! Happy Weekend =DReplyDelete
have you heard of the 5 languages of love? have i told you about this before?ReplyDelete
check it out.
I actually read it in high school. Though I generally recoil at Christian books, this was has some truth in it.ReplyDelete