Confession 1: I have seen SCL three times this week. Before you yell a completely justified "WTF?!" let me explain...and then you can resume with the "WTF?!"ing. On Sunday I got home around 2:00, went to sleep for four hours, and woke up hungry, exhausted, and cranky. I got a text from SCL, "I know you must be tired and hungry, so would you like to come over and have some pizza?" At that point, I didn't even care if it was a good idea. Comment Bouncer, being the good friend that she is, asked, "Is this such a good idea?" No, it wasn't, and I knew going into it, I was tired and feeling vulnerable, especially after the wedding. But, I went anyway. I was glad to see him and sad.Then I saw him the following two days. Once to rescue him after he got stranded (long story). I offered to get him. The third time, I really can't justify. I was feeling pathetic and lonely, and basically invited myself over. Before you get too worried, nothing happened. But I definitely am hurting after the fact.
Confession 2: Dr. Nutrition is driving me bat shit crazy. On Monday morning I sent him an email, asking he'd like to go back to the wine tasting. Yesterday afternoon he sends me the following (edited a bit):
"Hi, I'm glad you had fun at the wedding. I'd love to go to the wine tasting, but unfortunately I'm reffing that night. What are you up to this weekend? I'm going to be in another state. Awesome!"Hmm, this is very odd, don't you think? Awesome that you'll be out of town this weekend and we can't see each other? I'm trying not to read too much into it, and since he asked me a question, I responded with the following.
"Hey, too bad you can't make it. It'd be fun to watch you ref sometime. My friend is visiting this weekend, so I'll be showing her a good time. Now that I'm home, we should get together when you're free."This is not the first time he's been flaky. I'll see what he says back. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little anxious about it...and that I'm not compulsively checking email to see if he's written back.
Confession 3: Mr. Editor has a stutter, and it was awkward. I feel like a shitty-ass person for saying that, but our date was totally weird. We didn't have a lot to talk about, but I feel bad for not liking a guy who I am sure has a tough time dating. But, chemistry can't be forced, and I would feel even more terrible if I went on a second pity date with him. Struggling not to feel shitty though...
Confession 4: I feel like a fucking mess in general. I hate that being with SCL was the calmest I've felt since coming back. I hate feeling stressed out about my friend visiting, when all I really want is a weekend alone. I hate knowing that if Dr. Nutrition just wrote back, I'd feel a lot less anxious and could go about my business normally. I hate that I've given anyone that much power. He's not the first one. This is totally a pattern for me. And I don't know how to fix it. Being in therapy and doing exercises about helping myself recharge showed me that I really don't know how to take care of myself. I'm good at the external things, but when those don't work, I don't know what to do. I've spent a lot of the last few days in tears, very similar to back in July when SCL and I broke up the second time. Maybe it's all just cyclical, but it's disappointing to feel back at square one, even if some of it's my own doing.
These are my confessions. Be gentle.