The context of this isn't that important, but after experiencing a serious hangover after a dinner party, I was just screwing around on my laptop, hoping my headache would go away if I watched enough dog gifs on Buzzfeed. For no particular reason, I was looking at a blog written by one of my college classmates. She and I weren't exactly friends, but the school was small and our paths inevitably crossed from time to time. Since college she's gone on to have a pretty huge presence in the blogosphere and I've sort of followed her from time to time when I was bored at my job.
When I googled her website the other night, I found another blog listed second below her url with a mission to satirize everything she writes. I thought to myself, stupid trolls. They're just jealous of her success, right? But the more I read the critique (very hilariously written, by the way), the more I found myself agreeing with most every point. Now I can't stop reading it! I'm about a third of the way through 100 pages of this artfully crafted mockery, and I've stooped to using it as a mid-day reward when I've completed some big project. ("Come on, KT! Finish up this report and you can read 5 pages of the hilarity.")
At first I thought pretty poorly of myself to be participating in something that's just pure snark, especially towards an acquaintance whom I don't really have a personal problem with. But it's made me reflect on myself and my own online presence, which is albeit minute in comparison, and yet there is one thing all bloggers share: we choose to publish information related to who we are for public consumption. Admittedly, there is some bit of narcissism involved, right? We want people to read about our lives. It's categorically different from keeping a journal. Writing for an audience means that we open ourselves up for the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Back when more people read my blog, especially when I was posting about dates which attracts more voyeurs than talking about buying a car with your husband (and I am among the voyeurs!), I used to get the occasional snarky, even mean comment. I took it way too personally and would either delete it or try to defend myself. I couldn't believe people would hop on the internet to go shit all over someone's life choices.
And I still don't. But if I'm hoping to avoid the pervasive presence of trolls, I'd be better off just removing myself from the Internet altogether. The next time I get a comment that's "trollish" I'm going to let it ride. The last thing I want is to believe that anything I say is above reproach or criticism. At the end of the day, I need to have confidence in myself that I'm just doing the best that I can.
I will probably continue to block the crazy spam comments I get, although some of them are so horribly written they'd be funny to let fly.
So, fellow bloggers, what do you think? Do you agree with the points I've brought up? How do you feel about trolls?
Showing posts with label Comments. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Comments. Show all posts
Close Encounters of the Asshole Kind
Who would have thought that not dating would mean more encounters with assholes? I sure as hell didn't.
Early last week I knew what I'd be walking into. I was asked, as a board member of a non-profit, to be present at a protest--not on the side of the protesters, not even as a counter-protester, but as a "peaceful presence." We were going to be intentionally few in number and that made me nervous. As it turns out, there were 15 of us among 300 angry protesters. Stomach churning, I stood silently, listening to speech after speech of vitriol, wondering how if I were to meet any of those gathered to protest in another setting how things might be different. They might say with a smile, "Hello, how are you? Nice to meet you" instead of,"You're not welcome here" with dagger eyes and clenched fists.
While I'd been prepared for Monday's frustration, I had no idea that later on in the week when I was at a holiday party for a women's organization that it'd be crashed--by men, no less. Men who were there to intimidate and condemn. Men who were there to be assholes--to scream and yell at people gathered for a fucking holiday party. I don't know where I got the strength, but I put my hand on one of their shoulders and (mostly) silently guided them out the door.
Once they left, I lost my composure. I went to the bathroom and cried. I felt disempowered, terrorized, and furious. How could anyone think that it's actually effective for any cause to yell, to intimidate, to crash a holiday party? The thing is, I think some people just want to act like assholes. They don't actually want to further their cause or convince someone to adopt their point of view. I can assure you the party crashers did nothing but make everything at the party think they were crazy douche bags.
But, why do people seem to enjoy being assholes? If I've been even slightly rude to someone, even if it's "called for," I feel like a jerk. So how is that some people seem to thrive being this way?
Which brings me to my next point, online assholes. Why the hell do people spend their time trolling sites and leaving nasty comments? Seriously it would never occur to me to actively go seeking an opportunity to be a jackass. I was in a Twitter conversation with Date Me, DC! about this, and people had a lot to say. The comment that puzzled me the most was something along the lines of, "If you let mean comments get to you, then it says something about you. You need thicker skin"
Thicker skin is the solution to dealing with assholes, huh? I would argue that thick skin--or being calloused-- is exactly what allows people to act like arrogant assholes in the first place. Interesting, when I was at the party and started crying, no one there said, "Hey, get thicker skin. They're just assholes." No, people put their arms around me, listened to me fume, and stood with me. I want to hang onto my humanity, my emotions, my ability to be hurt by other people. It's in part what keeps me from being an asshole in return, even as I'm being screamed at by arrogant pricks.
So, how about this--how about we stop tolerating asshole behavior online and in person? How about when we encounter them, we confront them instead of being silenced and blaming ourselves for feeling hurt and not having thick skin? That way, we can help stop the behavior rather than having to become callous ourselves.
Happily Uninteresting
I was told, on another blog (and on this one at one point), that I write a boring blog. I suppose it was meant to be an insult, but I didn't receive it that way. In part, I have to kind of agree: my blog is not all that interesting as of late. And believe it or not, I'm actually kind of happy about that.
A few months ago I was blogging daily, getting tons of hits, and receiving loads of comments. Ah, those were the days. Except for the fact that I was dealing with terrible heartache. While it was a temporary ego-boost to have more readers and to have new comments every time I logged into blogger, sadly that didn't make things in real life any less shitty. If I had to choose between having a lot of blog readers and not feeling shitty, guess which one I'd pick. The same applies to being subjected to horribly awkward first dates. Fun to blog about, not fun to endure. Plus you've already got Katie blowing that shit out of the water. .
Sitting in therapy today, I struggled to find anything over the last week that I felt was in need of serious conversation. Strangely, the same thing had happened at last week's session, too. At first I felt like this was because I hadn't been reflecting on my life enough (self-judgment), but then I saw that it has simply been a time of...normalcy. Took me awhile to recognize it. Sure, the remnants of homesickness are still there, as are the ever-passing thoughts of moving somewhere else, but I'm not longer feeling like I'm in some inescapable abyss that I'll never pull out of. And contrary to my own belief that I have to work really hard to get anywhere with anything, I didn't have to do shit to get out of it other than wait and accept that was where I was. It was in the not-doing that I was lifted out. Who knows if I'll find myself back there next week or next month, but for now, I'm out. That is something to give thanks for.
Maybe my life is boring. Or maybe it's actually just what life looks like when the storm has exhausted itself and the calm and stillness set in. After the ups and downs of the last few months, I'm grateful for this unfamiliar peace. I'm grateful that the excitement in my life is coming through attending a counter-protest in yesterday's freezing cold weather, getting interviewed by a news website, Christmas shopping for my Star Wars-obsessed nephew, celebrating my friend's retirement, and eating sweet potato latkes for the first time. Non-boy related things, things I typically don't talk about in my blog. Things I keep within my own heart and my community in real life.
Maybe it's boring to read about. But it's sweet to live it. And really, that's all that matters to me.
P.S. You still have time to enter my giveaway!
A few months ago I was blogging daily, getting tons of hits, and receiving loads of comments. Ah, those were the days. Except for the fact that I was dealing with terrible heartache. While it was a temporary ego-boost to have more readers and to have new comments every time I logged into blogger, sadly that didn't make things in real life any less shitty. If I had to choose between having a lot of blog readers and not feeling shitty, guess which one I'd pick. The same applies to being subjected to horribly awkward first dates. Fun to blog about, not fun to endure. Plus you've already got Katie blowing that shit out of the water. .
Sitting in therapy today, I struggled to find anything over the last week that I felt was in need of serious conversation. Strangely, the same thing had happened at last week's session, too. At first I felt like this was because I hadn't been reflecting on my life enough (self-judgment), but then I saw that it has simply been a time of...normalcy. Took me awhile to recognize it. Sure, the remnants of homesickness are still there, as are the ever-passing thoughts of moving somewhere else, but I'm not longer feeling like I'm in some inescapable abyss that I'll never pull out of. And contrary to my own belief that I have to work really hard to get anywhere with anything, I didn't have to do shit to get out of it other than wait and accept that was where I was. It was in the not-doing that I was lifted out. Who knows if I'll find myself back there next week or next month, but for now, I'm out. That is something to give thanks for.
Maybe my life is boring. Or maybe it's actually just what life looks like when the storm has exhausted itself and the calm and stillness set in. After the ups and downs of the last few months, I'm grateful for this unfamiliar peace. I'm grateful that the excitement in my life is coming through attending a counter-protest in yesterday's freezing cold weather, getting interviewed by a news website, Christmas shopping for my Star Wars-obsessed nephew, celebrating my friend's retirement, and eating sweet potato latkes for the first time. Non-boy related things, things I typically don't talk about in my blog. Things I keep within my own heart and my community in real life.
Maybe it's boring to read about. But it's sweet to live it. And really, that's all that matters to me.
P.S. You still have time to enter my giveaway!
Roller-coaster of Love
Let me say how much I enjoy reading all of your comments from both of yesterday's posts (Tweedlecrazy and Tweedlecrazier). Pretty much all of them resonate with some part of me, all the way from "He's a liar!" to "See, you shouldn't have sent that crazy email!" to "Maybe you should discuss this with him." I think you are all the innumerable voices that live in my head and torment/comfort me.
Here's the real deal. After Wednesday/Thursday cuddlefest/sleepover with Dr. Nutrition, I felt pretty overwhelmed with the lovie dovies and fell into my usual pattern of clinging. When I'm feeling a beautiful boy I tend to want to minimize space and time apart, and just spend countless days laying around in one another's arms. See how this is a little problematic on about a billion levels? Especially for people who want to have, you know, lives? I am a sucker for romance (or maybe it's just lust) and just can't seem to contain myself. I had the same issue with SCL where I set up a pattern of being the one to initiate our time together, and then I got resentful when he wouldn't take the initiative. Nice little trap I set up for myself there.
In truth I didn't give Dr. Nutrition much of a chance to initiate communication because I was too busy doing it. So, really how frustrated could I get that he hadn't texted or called when I wasn't giving him the space to? So, on Sunday I decided to just lay off. And when he didn't call on Sunday or by Monday evening, I got a little more antsy and called him--and proceeded to get royally pissed when I didn't hear back on what I felt was a reasonable timeline. At that point I had already constructed a narrative in my head of exactly what happened, all of which was about my own insecurities and imperfections. This, my boss informed me today after I spilled my guts, is a form of narcissism.
Shut the front door! I'm a narcissist? A girl who writes a blog all about herself is a narcissist? I guess in my mind a narcissist is an arrogant, proud person but in a broader sense, she's right. When something goes wrong, I assume it's all about me. And this was no exception.
The tipping point for me really was the unreturned phone call because I had been so direct--I haven't heard from you, what's going on. So I immediately jumped to the conclusion that this was a deliberate blow-off (it fit into my constructed narrative of him not liking me quite nicely) and then lashed out via email. So, when he did return my call (a response to my phone call, not my crazy-ass email), I felt like a total schmuck, not because I was pissed about him not returning my call earlier (justified) but that I had assumed that he would not return it period because he was an asshole. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
His reason for not returning my call might be sorta lame--"my phone died and I didn't get your message until now, I was helping my grandma move into an assisted living facility"--but it's not as bad as I what I was thinking--that he had totally changed his mind about me. It's never as bad as I think it's going to be, and it's never nearly as much about me as I'd like to think. Was he flaky not to be in touch? Yes. Was it a screw-up? Yes. Was it a deal-breaker for the potential that we have in dating? No.
Luckily, I'm about to head out of town for the next two and a half weeks, giving time for me to regain my composure and perspective. It'll prevent me from diving into anything too quickly with Dr. Nutrition or anyone for that matter. And hopefully I'll come back a relatively sane, if not totally exhausted, woman.
Here's the real deal. After Wednesday/Thursday cuddlefest/sleepover with Dr. Nutrition, I felt pretty overwhelmed with the lovie dovies and fell into my usual pattern of clinging. When I'm feeling a beautiful boy I tend to want to minimize space and time apart, and just spend countless days laying around in one another's arms. See how this is a little problematic on about a billion levels? Especially for people who want to have, you know, lives? I am a sucker for romance (or maybe it's just lust) and just can't seem to contain myself. I had the same issue with SCL where I set up a pattern of being the one to initiate our time together, and then I got resentful when he wouldn't take the initiative. Nice little trap I set up for myself there.
In truth I didn't give Dr. Nutrition much of a chance to initiate communication because I was too busy doing it. So, really how frustrated could I get that he hadn't texted or called when I wasn't giving him the space to? So, on Sunday I decided to just lay off. And when he didn't call on Sunday or by Monday evening, I got a little more antsy and called him--and proceeded to get royally pissed when I didn't hear back on what I felt was a reasonable timeline. At that point I had already constructed a narrative in my head of exactly what happened, all of which was about my own insecurities and imperfections. This, my boss informed me today after I spilled my guts, is a form of narcissism.
Shut the front door! I'm a narcissist? A girl who writes a blog all about herself is a narcissist? I guess in my mind a narcissist is an arrogant, proud person but in a broader sense, she's right. When something goes wrong, I assume it's all about me. And this was no exception.
The tipping point for me really was the unreturned phone call because I had been so direct--I haven't heard from you, what's going on. So I immediately jumped to the conclusion that this was a deliberate blow-off (it fit into my constructed narrative of him not liking me quite nicely) and then lashed out via email. So, when he did return my call (a response to my phone call, not my crazy-ass email), I felt like a total schmuck, not because I was pissed about him not returning my call earlier (justified) but that I had assumed that he would not return it period because he was an asshole. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
His reason for not returning my call might be sorta lame--"my phone died and I didn't get your message until now, I was helping my grandma move into an assisted living facility"--but it's not as bad as I what I was thinking--that he had totally changed his mind about me. It's never as bad as I think it's going to be, and it's never nearly as much about me as I'd like to think. Was he flaky not to be in touch? Yes. Was it a screw-up? Yes. Was it a deal-breaker for the potential that we have in dating? No.
Luckily, I'm about to head out of town for the next two and a half weeks, giving time for me to regain my composure and perspective. It'll prevent me from diving into anything too quickly with Dr. Nutrition or anyone for that matter. And hopefully I'll come back a relatively sane, if not totally exhausted, woman.
Life (after SCL) Goes On
After Dr. Scientist (not to be confused with Dr. Nutrition) canceled our Saturday night date due to a cold, I found myself dateless for the weekend--and I was so relieved. It's given me a chance to do some much needed catching up with friends and catching up on sleep. I spent 9/11 doing a service project and resting. I feel rejuvenated and ready for another week of this dating stuff, not to mention, you know, the actual work I do. I'm in the middle of planning a three-week trip in October. (Anyone want to guest post? Shoot me an email)
Currently I have no dates to report on, but I wanted to answer a question that commenter extraordinaire Felisha asked on Thursday's post. She asks:
Third, I got the hell out of DC for a week. While I was gone, my mom told me with tough love that I needed to get myself out there again. At first that pissed me off, but she was right. I needed to pull myself out of the hole of misery (once I'd spent adequate time there) and start enjoying life again. I started working out hard, getting to know my roommates, writing articles for work, going out with friends, singing lots of karaoke, and drinking many beers. And, then I started telling my friends I wanted to be set up. I started responding to men online that I thought sounded fun and I started going out on dates. Fortunately I've been spared the online dating horror stories thus far. The worst I've gotten was Mr. Religion Teacher, who was not weird; just too serious.
The result of all of this is a complete shift in the way I think about my relationship with SCL and how I really felt. I went back and read every single journal (not blog) entry from the year we lived together, and I read how unhappy, unsettled, disappointed, undesirable, and unfulfilled I felt about 95% of the time because I never felt secure in the relationship. With good reason, it turns out. He was still obsessed with another girl and I found out that he'd also made out with a girl just a few weeks after we got back together this spring. A real charmer, that one.
So, do I think about SCL? Yes. There's part of me that misses him a little. I wonder how he's doing at school mostly. I hope that he's getting himself out there again and having some fun. I sometimes wish I could call him to ask if I can borrow our cheese grater (it's an amazing cheese grater.) But, I don't cry about it anymore. I don't wish that things had turned out differently. In fact, I almost feel grateful that he didn't give me the option of staying with him because I would never be having these experiences I'm having now. I feel thankful for the fun that we did have, but I realize it would never have worked long-term because I was not myself when I was with him. The relationship was comfortable, safe, secure, but not fulfilling. And it was stifling me. I had an idea that if we got engaged, I'd finally feel secure in the relationship. Now I see how fucked up that is.
I'm still healing, learning, and figuring out how to move forward. I have no idea if I'm doing it "right" but I know that I feel better each and every day.
Currently I have no dates to report on, but I wanted to answer a question that commenter extraordinaire Felisha asked on Thursday's post. She asks:
Do you even think of SCL anymore?It's been just over seven weeks since we parted for good, and I can honestly say that I have experienced a tremendous amount of healing so far. I think a number of factors have contributed to this. First, this wasn't the first time I'd been through this with him, and I was not in the same place that I was in April. Second, I let myself feel exactly what I felt whenever I felt it. One of the beautiful things about working from home is you can cry in the middle of the day and no one knows. For about three weeks, I cried and sobbed and wrote pitiful things in my journal, and I tried not to hate on myself for being so emotional.That was a wonderful gift, even though it sucked going through it. The truth is, there are only so many tears a person can cry, and I cried them all.
Third, I got the hell out of DC for a week. While I was gone, my mom told me with tough love that I needed to get myself out there again. At first that pissed me off, but she was right. I needed to pull myself out of the hole of misery (once I'd spent adequate time there) and start enjoying life again. I started working out hard, getting to know my roommates, writing articles for work, going out with friends, singing lots of karaoke, and drinking many beers. And, then I started telling my friends I wanted to be set up. I started responding to men online that I thought sounded fun and I started going out on dates. Fortunately I've been spared the online dating horror stories thus far. The worst I've gotten was Mr. Religion Teacher, who was not weird; just too serious.
The result of all of this is a complete shift in the way I think about my relationship with SCL and how I really felt. I went back and read every single journal (not blog) entry from the year we lived together, and I read how unhappy, unsettled, disappointed, undesirable, and unfulfilled I felt about 95% of the time because I never felt secure in the relationship. With good reason, it turns out. He was still obsessed with another girl and I found out that he'd also made out with a girl just a few weeks after we got back together this spring. A real charmer, that one.
So, do I think about SCL? Yes. There's part of me that misses him a little. I wonder how he's doing at school mostly. I hope that he's getting himself out there again and having some fun. I sometimes wish I could call him to ask if I can borrow our cheese grater (it's an amazing cheese grater.) But, I don't cry about it anymore. I don't wish that things had turned out differently. In fact, I almost feel grateful that he didn't give me the option of staying with him because I would never be having these experiences I'm having now. I feel thankful for the fun that we did have, but I realize it would never have worked long-term because I was not myself when I was with him. The relationship was comfortable, safe, secure, but not fulfilling. And it was stifling me. I had an idea that if we got engaged, I'd finally feel secure in the relationship. Now I see how fucked up that is.
I'm still healing, learning, and figuring out how to move forward. I have no idea if I'm doing it "right" but I know that I feel better each and every day.
Meet Comment Bouncer
It has come to my attention that anonymous commenters are, in general, total assholes. Seriously, some of you make going through this breakup seem like a fucking cakewalk in comparison to wading through some of the nasty shit you say to me on here. And, it was getting to me. I'd had enough. I wanted to reach through my computer screen and punch some of you in the face, but seeing as that was impossible and would probably really hurt my hand, I decided to go a different route.
Let me welcome you to fellow blog admin Comment Bouncer. She is one of my best friends, but she will be your worst enemy, nasty commenter. As she said to me earlier today, even well-meaning commenters who say stupid, stupid things will be kicked to the curb. She will outwit you, she will out-sarcasm you, she will deliver a serious verbal ass-kicking when necessary. Thank you, Comment Bouncer. You are very, very welcome here.
So, all of you who have something mean to say, go ahead. I dare you. Just know that I won't ever read a nasty comment again!
TNS's Note: Most of you are lovely and helpful, and I could just eat you up with a spoon. So don't worry. Your comments will be displayed with all of the love and affection Comment Bouncer and I have for you.
Let me welcome you to fellow blog admin Comment Bouncer. She is one of my best friends, but she will be your worst enemy, nasty commenter. As she said to me earlier today, even well-meaning commenters who say stupid, stupid things will be kicked to the curb. She will outwit you, she will out-sarcasm you, she will deliver a serious verbal ass-kicking when necessary. Thank you, Comment Bouncer. You are very, very welcome here.
So, all of you who have something mean to say, go ahead. I dare you. Just know that I won't ever read a nasty comment again!
TNS's Note: Most of you are lovely and helpful, and I could just eat you up with a spoon. So don't worry. Your comments will be displayed with all of the love and affection Comment Bouncer and I have for you.
Listening to Myself
Let me preface this post by saying how much I love you all who read and comment on my blog. Please keep doing it!
I am struggling with discerning how I really feel about this situation with SCL. Because I'm not certain of my own feelings, I'm looking for clarity constantly, and I think I've been quick to take others' words to heart without really examining them and questioning if they ring true. And I think this is having an adverse effect on my relationship with SCL.
One word I've heard many times in comments is lukewarm. I'd begun to accept that SCL was, in fact, lukewarm about us. And I told him this. But when he asked me what he could do differently, I could not come up with a behavior that he has been showing me that indicates he's lukewarm. It's more that I'm frustrated that he's not yet in a place of knowing how he feels. It's not that he's avoiding thinking about it. He admitted that he's been really busy with moving and writing a paper for a conference that he has to present tomorrow. He's stressed and occupied, and for the last two weeks he just hasn't been able to be introspective about anything, including our relationship.
I don't think I'm always fair to SCL in this blog. I think I tend to convey the worst part of how I'm feeling. Why did I expect things to be great at this point, just a few weeks after he moved out and I am still in our old place? It's totally weird and awkward and liminal. SCL was the one who had the best insight about it. He said, "I'm not expecting it to be great all the time with all of this transition going on. But it also does feel normal and right and good some of the time." Precisely. There will be ups and downs, and adjustments will be made. But that doesn't mean the down times are representative of the entire relationship, or that they're the real parts of what's going on.
When I was out of town, SCL was the one checking in with me almost daily. He's the one who made me dinner when I had no food at my house. He's the one who suggested we spend the day together on Sunday. And he's the one who came over late last night to talk through it all and accept my offering of peace: cupcakes.
This doesn't mean that I don't have a right to feel bad or weird or unhappy right now, but it does mean that I need to think about the situation we're in. It might not be just about something SCL is doing, but rather the result of being in a difficult transition. The last thing I need to do is to blame him for the difficulty. What we need to do is work through it together, admit when it's hard, and enjoy the times when it feels wonderful despite the weirdness. So, I'm going to try not to jump on his case and accept the situation for what it is: a beautiful, messy transition.
I am struggling with discerning how I really feel about this situation with SCL. Because I'm not certain of my own feelings, I'm looking for clarity constantly, and I think I've been quick to take others' words to heart without really examining them and questioning if they ring true. And I think this is having an adverse effect on my relationship with SCL.
One word I've heard many times in comments is lukewarm. I'd begun to accept that SCL was, in fact, lukewarm about us. And I told him this. But when he asked me what he could do differently, I could not come up with a behavior that he has been showing me that indicates he's lukewarm. It's more that I'm frustrated that he's not yet in a place of knowing how he feels. It's not that he's avoiding thinking about it. He admitted that he's been really busy with moving and writing a paper for a conference that he has to present tomorrow. He's stressed and occupied, and for the last two weeks he just hasn't been able to be introspective about anything, including our relationship.
I don't think I'm always fair to SCL in this blog. I think I tend to convey the worst part of how I'm feeling. Why did I expect things to be great at this point, just a few weeks after he moved out and I am still in our old place? It's totally weird and awkward and liminal. SCL was the one who had the best insight about it. He said, "I'm not expecting it to be great all the time with all of this transition going on. But it also does feel normal and right and good some of the time." Precisely. There will be ups and downs, and adjustments will be made. But that doesn't mean the down times are representative of the entire relationship, or that they're the real parts of what's going on.
When I was out of town, SCL was the one checking in with me almost daily. He's the one who made me dinner when I had no food at my house. He's the one who suggested we spend the day together on Sunday. And he's the one who came over late last night to talk through it all and accept my offering of peace: cupcakes.
This doesn't mean that I don't have a right to feel bad or weird or unhappy right now, but it does mean that I need to think about the situation we're in. It might not be just about something SCL is doing, but rather the result of being in a difficult transition. The last thing I need to do is to blame him for the difficulty. What we need to do is work through it together, admit when it's hard, and enjoy the times when it feels wonderful despite the weirdness. So, I'm going to try not to jump on his case and accept the situation for what it is: a beautiful, messy transition.
Taking on Comments
Hi blog friends. Just woke up after a fabulous night of sleep to find a little controversy in the comments section of my last post, so I guess I'll take on the challenges of this "Anonymous" comment. (Please, if you're going to comment like this, at least leave a nickname!)
If you didn't see it, let me re-post it here:
I just finished reading your blog. I would like to give you some feedback, and I want to preface it by saying I'm not trying to be an asshole. I'm really not. I'm just trying to give you an honest, unbiased view of what you wrote. You may not care for it, but the way I see it is if you're going to take to the internet to tell your story, you should probably be prepared to hear things that you may not really like.
First of all, I am glad that you got back together, and I really hope it works out for you. But I have to admit, I found some big contradictions in your story. For example: Valentine's Day. In your post, you talk about how the two of you don't really agree with the whole Valentine's rituals that others do. You mention gifts. In fact, you mention the gift that he bought you, which was tickets to see Chelsea Lately. You say that you actually like that better than something else because it would give you time to be together doing something fun. After the breakup, though, you talk about the tickets, and you mention that it wasn't a very creative gift since you had been to see Kathy Griffin there before. You also said that it was probably more fun than you would have had with him. That's not exactly the picture you painted before. Another is the fact that before he broke up with you, you never really mention any problems with him. Not really. Yet, after he broke up with you, you talk about things you noticed, and even say that the relationship started to unravel months before. Considering that you had only been living together for a few months, and your blog starts out with your moving in together, it's a little confusing. If you were noticing problems, why did you not share them with your blog followers? For example, the reading of his journal in September. How come you never mentioned it here? If your blog is devoted to your relationship and all of the dynamics, it seems you would have mentioned it, and the fact that you didn't suggests that it's not a completely factual and comprehensive picture of your life with him. I mean, honestly, it was like "Oh, everything is just so great. We're a partnership. He's awesome" one minute, and the next, "I should have seen it. I noticed this and that.". Why didn't you mention noticing this and that if you were being honest?
The other thing I wanted to bring up is the therapist. I'm not knocking therapy. It just seems like sometimes people use it as a band-aid. Heartbreak happens...run to therapist to make it all better. I don't know, I just don't really understand why you felt you needed therapy because your relationship ended. Maybe I have the wrong view of therapy. I guess I just view it as something one does when they are having serious problems. In other words, based on your previous posts, I guess I would have thought you would have a little more resiliency to have gotten through those few (yes, few) weeks without professional help. I just think some people use it as a crutch. Not saying this applies to you, because I dont' know. Just something to think about.
Honestly, I do hope you work things out. But something tells me that you will be back in the spot of him ending things. He sounds like kind of a flake, to be frank. He moves in with you and four months later he wants out of the whole thing? Then a few weeks later, he, too, is going to see a therapist and all is now going to be well? I hope so. But I have my doubts. Be careful with your heart, and I would suggest NOT moving in with him again. I really think you'll be back at the same place if you do.
First of all, I am glad that you got back together, and I really hope it works out for you. But I have to admit, I found some big contradictions in your story. For example: Valentine's Day. In your post, you talk about how the two of you don't really agree with the whole Valentine's rituals that others do. You mention gifts. In fact, you mention the gift that he bought you, which was tickets to see Chelsea Lately. You say that you actually like that better than something else because it would give you time to be together doing something fun. After the breakup, though, you talk about the tickets, and you mention that it wasn't a very creative gift since you had been to see Kathy Griffin there before. You also said that it was probably more fun than you would have had with him. That's not exactly the picture you painted before. Another is the fact that before he broke up with you, you never really mention any problems with him. Not really. Yet, after he broke up with you, you talk about things you noticed, and even say that the relationship started to unravel months before. Considering that you had only been living together for a few months, and your blog starts out with your moving in together, it's a little confusing. If you were noticing problems, why did you not share them with your blog followers? For example, the reading of his journal in September. How come you never mentioned it here? If your blog is devoted to your relationship and all of the dynamics, it seems you would have mentioned it, and the fact that you didn't suggests that it's not a completely factual and comprehensive picture of your life with him. I mean, honestly, it was like "Oh, everything is just so great. We're a partnership. He's awesome" one minute, and the next, "I should have seen it. I noticed this and that.". Why didn't you mention noticing this and that if you were being honest?
The other thing I wanted to bring up is the therapist. I'm not knocking therapy. It just seems like sometimes people use it as a band-aid. Heartbreak happens...run to therapist to make it all better. I don't know, I just don't really understand why you felt you needed therapy because your relationship ended. Maybe I have the wrong view of therapy. I guess I just view it as something one does when they are having serious problems. In other words, based on your previous posts, I guess I would have thought you would have a little more resiliency to have gotten through those few (yes, few) weeks without professional help. I just think some people use it as a crutch. Not saying this applies to you, because I dont' know. Just something to think about.
Honestly, I do hope you work things out. But something tells me that you will be back in the spot of him ending things. He sounds like kind of a flake, to be frank. He moves in with you and four months later he wants out of the whole thing? Then a few weeks later, he, too, is going to see a therapist and all is now going to be well? I hope so. But I have my doubts. Be careful with your heart, and I would suggest NOT moving in with him again. I really think you'll be back at the same place if you do.
Shall we take this apart here?
1. I just finished reading your blog. I would like to give you some feedback, and I want to preface it by saying I'm not trying to be an asshole. I'm really not. I'm just trying to give you an honest, unbiased view of what you wrote. You may not care for it, but the way I see it is if you're going to take to the internet to tell your story, you should probably be prepared to hear things that you may not really like.
Prefacing something by saying "I'm not trying to be an asshole" is a red flag. It's akin to someone saying "Don't take this the wrong way." It means that what you're saying is not unbiased but in fact critical. There is no such thing as an unbiased view. But Anon is correct in that if I'm going to tell my story on the Internet, I should be prepared for feedback, positive and negative. So be it.
2. First of all, I am glad that you got back together, and I really hope it works out for you. But I have to admit, I found some big contradictions in your story. For example: Valentine's Day. In your post, you talk about how the two of you don't really agree with the whole Valentine's rituals that others do. You mention gifts. In fact, you mention the gift that he bought you, which was tickets to see Chelsea Lately. You say that you actually like that better than something else because it would give you time to be together doing something fun. After the breakup, though, you talk about the tickets, and you mention that it wasn't a very creative gift since you had been to see Kathy Griffin there before. You also said that it was probably more fun than you would have had with him. That's not exactly the picture you painted before. Another is the fact that before he broke up with you, you never really mention any problems with him. Not really. Yet, after he broke up with you, you talk about things you noticed, and even say that the relationship started to unravel months before. Considering that you had only been living together for a few months, and your blog starts out with your moving in together, it's a little confusing. If you were noticing problems, why did you not share them with your blog followers? For example, the reading of his journal in September. How come you never mentioned it here? If your blog is devoted to your relationship and all of the dynamics, it seems you would have mentioned it, and the fact that you didn't suggests that it's not a completely factual and comprehensive picture of your life with him. I mean, honestly, it was like "Oh, everything is just so great. We're a partnership. He's awesome" one minute, and the next, "I should have seen it. I noticed this and that.". Why didn't you mention noticing this and that if you were being honest?
Anon, are you really glad we got back together? Nothing in this post sounds like you do. I think you felt like you had to say this before you went on to point out of all of the problems you see in our relationship.
Before our break-up, I didn't see this blog as a place to come pour my guts out everyday. I didn't need that. No, not everything was perfect, but SCL was reading my blog at the time. I wasn't going to say things that were private, or things I wanted to discuss with him in person. And I never claimed things were perfect, like this post shows. After the break-up, I had little to lose at that point. I was free to share my incredibly biased perspective in the situation as a way to vent, to find community, and to find some kind of healing. The thing is in the relationship, I was prepared to make it work no matter what. I had committed to that, so it did change my perspective when SCL broke it off with me. Obviously, do I even need to say that?
The other thing I wanted to bring up is the therapist. I'm not knocking therapy. It just seems like sometimes people use it as a band-aid. Heartbreak happens...run to therapist to make it all better. I don't know, I just don't really understand why you felt you needed therapy because your relationship ended. Maybe I have the wrong view of therapy. I guess I just view it as something one does when they are having serious problems. In other words, based on your previous posts, I guess I would have thought you would have a little more resiliency to have gotten through those few (yes, few) weeks without professional help. I just think some people use it as a crutch. Not saying this applies to you, because I dont' know. Just something to think about.
Again, the prefacing: "I'm not knocking therapy." Yes, you are. Well, you are knocking my use of it. Thinking that therapy is about making it all better is a clear sign that you know nothing about it. Sure, I could go have a rebound, get trashed, eat like a glutton, do some other stupid shit to cope. A lot of people do that. Instead I decided to find a healthy way of working through it with the guidance of a skilled professional. I really don't feel the need to defend this. You are certainly reinforcing cultural myths about who "should" go to therapy and that it's a sign of weakness. What complete and utter bullshit.
Honestly, I do hope you work things out. But something tells me that you will be back in the spot of him ending things. He sounds like kind of a flake, to be frank. He moves in with you and four months later he wants out of the whole thing? Then a few weeks later, he, too, is going to see a therapist and all is now going to be well? I hope so. But I have my doubts. Be careful with your heart, and I would suggest NOT moving in with him again. I really think you'll be back at the same place if you do.
Again, do you actually hope things work out? To clarify, it was not four months later. We moved in together early July, so it had been nearly nine months, but that's beside the point. I never said "all will be well." This is hard as shit, and we have a lot of work to do. I don't know what will happen.
Here's the thing, folks. I owe nothing to anyone in terms of talking about my relationship. I share what I feel like sharing, hide what I feel like hiding, and respond to what I want. I don't really give a shit what Anonymous thinks because s/he's basing this on crap I've written, not on the relationship itself. Yeah, there's contradictions, omissions, etc. because it's a blog, not a memoir. As many of you have said, the only people who understand a relationship are the two who are in it.
Comments are always welcome. I'm not against opposing views, and believe me, Anon, you aren't the first. Yes, I should be prepared to have negative and positive comments, but there's no obligation I have to accept it or even seriously consider it, just as the same is true of reading or not reading my blog. But seriously if you're really trying to be helpful and not just throw an opinion out there, try having a more balanced view, one that can be both critical and charitable. And just prefacing it with "I'm not trying to be an asshole" ain't gonna cut it.
Note: apparently I'm not the only one dealing with this right now. Check out Cee's blog post about this very issue.
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