Only the Lonely

Dad, when are you coming home? 

Does a week at home alone to do whatever you want, including running around the house in your underwear and dipping tortilla chips straight into a tub of sour cream, sound awesome? Yeah, it did to me too until I actually got it. Now it just feels kind of sucky.

MT is off on a work trip (ha, his turn finally!) and we won't see each other for nearly a week. At first I thought I might enjoy the alone time, which I have to an extent, but at a certain point watching Real Housewives of Bumbfuck and eating frozen chocolate chip cookie dough loses its luster, especially the morning after when I feel the surge of regret over my dietary choices.

Life with MT is just better. Period. The only upside to his being gone is that it makes me appreciate him more (that and I have total control over messes and when they get picked up.) But his absence has also left me feeling a little bit...off. I have been walking around in a sort of fog. I did have social plans on Tuesday (that got cancelled) and Wednesday (that went really well), so I don't feel too much like a pathetic wife waiting for her husband to come home so she can make him dinner (which rarely happens in our house because Matt is the real cook.)

Rather than feeling too sorry for myself, I am just really grateful to have MT in my life, as my live-in buddy and confidante. It's nice to have someone to walk with the dog with at the end of the day and talk about what went down at work. It's fun to have someone who wants to stay up late playing Lego Harry Potter on the PS3 and will even stop to make popcorn in the middle of it because you are hungry. I feel really fortunate that we fit together in the small ways like that.

Baby, please come home. Our DVR is full of things I cannot watch until you return.

Late Night Laughs

Instead of our usual Kindle reading at bedtime, MT and I were snuggling up to each other, exhausted from our respective days. Tired from the worries of the world and annoyances at work, it felt so calm and peaceful to be still and quiet in our togetherness.

After a few minutes, MT said sweetly, "My favorite part of the day is coming home to you."

I don't know why, but I responded, "My favorite is lunch."

We then proceeded to giggle uncontrollably for the next ten minutes. It was a laugh that we both needed--a reminder that there is joy and goodness during the darkest of times.

It's great to be married to your buddy who likes to laugh as much as you do.

Why Did I Return to Ohio?

Just over two years ago I wrote this post about meeting my future husband on a trip to visit my boss at the time up in Ohio. I remember that weekend as warm, sun-shiny, and exhilarating with all of that new romance in the air and inklings of a future together.

Fast forward to last week when we went back to visit them. As it turns out, Ohio ain't so great, y'all.  Especially when it's pouring down rain and you're stuck at your in-laws' house where they insist on buying generic ketchup for their barbecue and keeping the thermostat at a steamy 78 degrees. Even visiting the place where we had our first kiss (their hot tub, classy right?) wasn't so great when good ole' Pops was there with us and the water wasn't all that hot. (What is up with their weird temperature issues?!)

Despite their uncomfortable (at least for us) parsimonious life-style choices, our time together was mostly positive. We timed it just right, arriving late on Wednesday and leaving at the crack of dawn on Saturday, thereby avoiding the "house-guests are like fish" situation of staying a third full day. Minus a few prying questions about our marriage and plans to have children, the highlight of the time was having deep conversations about our lives and what we are learning about ourselves through self-reflection. That probably sounds like a snooze-fest, but for us that is quite possibly the most fascinating way to spend time. I learned that my boss turned stepmother-in-law has been in therapy for months, working on her judgmental tendencies, and how that has improved their relationship.


At the end of the visit, I felt closer to my husband and appreciated him more, mostly because he is the only non-crazy person in his family. I have no idea how he managed this, but kudos to him!

The End of the Roarin' Twenties

That's right. Tomorrow I turn thirty, and I am PUMPED, y'all! I am ready to leave behind this decade and enter my next. At the same time, I know a ton of good stuff happened over the last ten years, so I thought I would recap a bit of it here:

Age 20: Moved to Florence, Italy for a semester. Visited France, Spain, Switzerland, England, and Germany. Went para sailing in the Swiss Alps.

Age 21: Figured out that I wanted to be in a helping profession. Saw for the first time systemic poverty, working in a homeless shelter in Charlotte, and decided to go to divinity school to...do something. Did my college honors thesis on motherhood and theology, definitely a first step towards my work today.

Age 22: Interned at the most amazing, feminist-y, non-hierarchical organization EVER. Set up for disappointment at all future employment.

Age 23: Moved into a group house with fellow div school classmates. Proceeded to have the most ridiculous party of all time. The cops came and asked what frat we were. We had to tell them, "The divinity school."

Age 24: Graduated from div school and got the HELL OUT OF THERE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.

Age 25: Moved to DC. Got the HELL OUT OF CT. All rejoiced. Quit my job and found a new one that I love!

Age 26: Enjoyed the best of DC: getting invited to a meeting at the White House. Yes, it was amazing, and no, it hasn't happened since. Wah wah.

Age 27: Went to Malawi, first trip to the continent. Forever changed. Hired my first employee. Learned how to be a boss. Like a boss.

Age 28: Met my husband to be. Moved to NC. Got our dog Lucy. Got engaged! Quit the blog. Planned the wedding.

Age 29: Married my favorite person. Went on glorious honeymoon. Picked up blogging again. Enjoyed a more settled life in NC.

Can't wait to see what the next 10 years bring!

The Most Annoying Question People Ask a Newlywed

No, it isn't "When are you having kids?" I mean, it probably would be if anyone had the balls to actually ask us that, but so far we've been spared the inappropriate questions regarding our plans (or lack thereof) to procreate.* How long that will last is unclear.

So far the most annoying question I've gotten has been the perplexing, somewhat presumptuous inquiry of:"How's married life?"

I get it. Since I got hitched, you're all kind of stumped on how to interact with me now that you can't ask about how the wedding planning is coming along. I get that "how's married life?" seems like a natural question to ask a newlywed. But implicit in the question, at least in my mind, is that it's somehow supposed to be radically different from pre-married life.

Reality check: it isn't--at least for us. Sure, it's kind of fun for me to call MT my hubs, and that's new. We also officially combined our finances, which I will probably write a series of blog entries about at some point. But all in all, life is pretty much exactly the same as it was before April 20th except that now we aren't paying for a wedding anymore. Now THAT'S something to celebrate!

While our wedding day was incredibly special, that was not the day that we committed fully to each other. That process happened long ago and was affirmed each time we worked through a conflict without the threat of leaving or stood beside each other when life threw us a curve ball. And that process will continue now that we're married. The wedding day was just that--a day. The real work and internal changes happened well before we married and will continue long after.

The following reading "Union" by Robert Fulghum encapsulates this beautifully and was what was shared right before we said our vows.

You have known each other from the first glance of acquaintance to this point of commitment. At some point, you decided to marry. From that moment of yes, to this moment of yes, indeed, you have been making commitments in an informal way. All of those conversations that were held in a car, or over a meal, or during long walks – all those conversations that began with, “When we’re married”, and continued with “I will” and “you will” and “we will” – all those late night talks that included “someday” and “somehow” and “maybe” – and all those promises that are unspoken matters of the heart. All these common things, and more, are the real process of a wedding.

The symbolic vows that you are about to make are a way of saying to one another, “You know all those things that we’ve promised, and hoped, and dreamed – well, I meant it all, every word.”

Look at one another and remember this moment in time. Before this moment you have been many things to one another – acquaintance, friend, companion, lover, dancing partner, even teacher, for you have learned much from one another these past few years. Shortly you shall say a few words that will take you across a threshold of life, and things between you will never quite be the same.

For after today you shall say to the world –

This is my husband. This is my wife.

So  when people ask me about married life with expectant eyes and genuine smiles, I don't bitch them out. I just happily say, "It's great, just like our life was before." 

*I can't even begin to talk about how invasive it is to ask people about their plans to have a family. You're asking about their sex life, their use of birth control, their fertility issues, their futures. GAH! STOP ASKING PEOPLE THIS QUESTION.

The Power of Powerlessness

Today didn't off to the greatest start. It all sounds a little silly in retrospect, but here's how it went down. After a nice morning walk with Lucy, I'd geared up for a hardcore workout care of Amy Dixon's Breathless Body DVD which I'd just gotten in the mail the day before.* I even had my episode of The Good Wife all queued on my iPad when the damn computer kept spitting out my disc. I must have tried about eight million different things to get this sucker to cooperate, but the stubborn thing would just not play.

I called my resident IT guy aka my husband to save me from my irritation. The poor man had just gotten out of the shower, but up the stairs he came, buck naked and dripping wet, ready to help me out. It's actually pretty hilarious when I think about it. But at the time all I could think was, "Time is a' tickin'! I must get in my 45 minutes of hardcore HIIT training or else this lovely five pounds of honeymoon weight** I gained is never going to come off." After some troubleshooting and careful maneuvering of wiring (he was still naked after all) we finally got the damn disc to play and off I went to suffer breathlessly as Amy Dixon proceeded to kick my ass for the next hour.

 For the next hour, all was well in the universe. Until the power went out. Was there a storm? Wind? Anything? Nope, sure wasn't. At first it was just annoying. I figured I'd take the opportunity to shower and get ready for the day because surely the power would be back on by time I was done. It wasn't. The estimate we eventually got from the power company was noon. NOON? That was more than THREE HOURS from the time the power went out!

MT, who was also working from home, had the luxury of a laptop computer battery which kept him connected for a few hours. But all I had was an iPad with less than 20% battery life and my iPhone which provided the slowest Internet connection imaginable. I could only stand to send an email or two before giving up on the piece of crap.

Power or no power, I was bound and determined to get something done. I started organizing my desk, throwing away stacks of old reports and business cards. I even organized my pens. Basically I was going nuts. Normally a random break from work in the middle of the week would be amazing, but today was seriously shitty timing. I was scheduled to lead a webinar for more than 100 people, and all of my notes, slides, etc. were on the computer I couldn't start. Shit.

Once MT's laptop battery died, we started cleaning the house together. We figured we might as well do the stuff we've been putting off, like taking this ugly-ass table and matching ugly-ass chairs to Goodwill. Then we started tossing eyesores like this rolled up carpet that had once been a lovely addition to the decor in the living room but quickly became known as "Lucy's favorite place to pee and poop." We started mentally planning out a new layout for our sun room, picturing a new comfy chair tucked into the corner where I can read my Kindle while he works on his latest mosaic.

It was all going so well until noon rolled around and of course, we had no power. New estimate? 3:30. I was going to miss the webinar no matter what. I called my colleague, got her to take care of notifying our participants, and threw up my hands. What else could we do?

Not wanting to open up the fridge and let the cool air escape, we were at a loss for what to do about lunch at home, plus we were going slightly stircrazy, so we figured we might as well go out for a bite. Over plates of Chinese chicken salad and cups of soda, we had an amazing conversation about our families--how each of us feels in some ways that we have more in common with the other's family than with our own. MT's generosity is so like my brothers' and mom's, and my desire for deep conversation is so much like his parents'.

He said, "We each have what our families lack. That must make us perfect!"

I said, "We must lack something."

He said, with a smirk, "We both lack perfect families."

The lesson learned for me is that when I let go and allow the situation to be what it is, it often turns out to be better than what I had planned. Sure, I have about a hundred emails waiting for me to answer. And I'm bummed about having to reschedule my presentation, knowing many people will probably have lost interest by then. But I wouldn't trade the day of togetherness, problem-solving, and toughing it out that we had instead. All in all, a very good day indeed.

And yes, our power is back on. Hallelujah!

* I should mention that  last night Lucy had gotten a hold of aforementioned DVD, puncturing the jacket with her lovely little canine fangs. Little shithead.

** Note: if you decide to make drinking an entire bottle of wine by yourself before dinner a nightly habit during a week long trip, you will in fact gain weight. Who knew?

Time for a Comeback? Well regardless, I'm coming back!

For you all who can remember ALL the way back to June 21st of last year, you'll recall that I gave up blogging. I needed a break from it. MT (formerly known as Carolina Man) and I were just beginning to plan our wedding, and the last thing I wanted was another place to talk about that. I was determined to stay sane through that process (and I succeeded! Yes, it is possible to plan a wedding and not go completely batshit crazy.) So, the blog was what ended up on the chopping block.

Fast forward to a few weeks after we returned from a beautiful honeymoon in the Grenadine Islands (never heard of them? Yeah, that was kind of the point), I was starting to play with the idea of picking blogging back up. Suddenly I had a lot more time (not to mention a lot more cash, holla!) to play with, and I started to realize that I really, really missed my community here. Even the trolls. Ok, maybe not them, but everyone else, I missed you!

So, here I am, asking to be let back onto your blog rolls and RSS feeds and into your hearts. I can't wait to catch up on what all of you have been doing and to share the daily goings on of a newly married woman living in Cary, North Carolina.

I am so happy to be back!