I hate moving with a passion. Maybe if I didn't have to move every single freaking year I wouldn't hate it quite as much. But this coming weekend I'll be moving for--wait for it--the NINTH time since starting college. My impulse is just to throw everything out and start over again. If only I had the budget and fiscal irresponsibility to do that.
Luckily I've got some overlap in leases which means I can move in stages, which takes some of the pressure off, but it also stretches the damn thing out for another week. I'm ready just to get it over with! Whenever I start thinking about having to move, I either get angry, usually at least a little at SCL, or I start throwing shit into boxes. I've got the U-Haul all rented for Saturday morning, so I'll probably be spending the 4th of July unpacking. Awesome.
This is so not where I thought my life would be. I know I need to just get over it, but I can't help but feel disappointed. This time last year I thought I'd be rocking an engagement ring this summer. That was the plan.I like plans, especially the rare one that happens to work out the way I'd hoped. This morning I was dozing and I was thinking how long we'll go on like this, living separately with roommates. The thought of doing that for the next four years--and maybe beyond--is inconceivable to me.
I can't help in this moment but to resent SCL a bit for putting me through another move and all the disappointment attached to it. I know things will all work out one way or another, but right now I just want to be a bit pissed off. And throw everything away. I should've gotten professional movers...
Extrovert, Meet Introvert
I had not one but two birthday celebrations this past week. I know that sounds excessive, but the second was a joint bash with my best friend from college. He'd hired a cover band to play at one of his favorite bars, and since his birthday is the day after mine, he invited me to come and bring my friends. So I doubled up the evite guest list and came ready to party.
Remember the needy girl I described who is lacking in the social skills area? Before our party was to begin, I get a call from her. Not only is she already at the party venue, but she has come straight from the airport and has her large suitcase in tow. At a bar. On a Friday night. Meanwhile I'm in the middle of having dinner with my friend. Ay yay yay. Anyway, it all ended up being fine but not exactly the fun beginning to the evening I was looking for.
Once I had a few drinks (mostly purchased by my awesome friends!) and the band started playing, I was getting into the party spirit and dancing like a crazy person. SCL, on the other hand, was not. This is not surprising. SCL is an uber introvert and prefers playing trivia in a small group than standing in the middle of a crowded bar. I can't really blame him--in fact, if it hadn't been my birthday, I probably would've felt similarly. My birthday buddy's group of friends is a bit on the douchey side, and for the first part of the night they dominated the crowd.
At around midnight, SCL said he wanted to go home. A few months ago this would've bothered me a lot. I used to think we needed to come and go together to things like this, and I may have thought, "Ok, then I'll go home, too." But this was my party, and a lot of my friends were still there. I didn't want to go home! SCL said he'd wait up for me, so I kissed him good-bye and went on dancing without him.
When I got home, he was, in true SCL form, watching Star Trek. Classic. We both sat down with a hunk of that delicious chocolate birthday cake and stayed up into the wee hours of the morning. I'm seeing that I don't need SCL by my side all the time to have fun. In fact, there are times when it's more fun to be by myself. And I'm also learning that just because SCL doesn't dance like a crazy person, that doesn't mean he wasn't having a good time. So, he and I are different. A lot different. But at the end of the night, he's the one I want to have cake with.
Remember the needy girl I described who is lacking in the social skills area? Before our party was to begin, I get a call from her. Not only is she already at the party venue, but she has come straight from the airport and has her large suitcase in tow. At a bar. On a Friday night. Meanwhile I'm in the middle of having dinner with my friend. Ay yay yay. Anyway, it all ended up being fine but not exactly the fun beginning to the evening I was looking for.
Once I had a few drinks (mostly purchased by my awesome friends!) and the band started playing, I was getting into the party spirit and dancing like a crazy person. SCL, on the other hand, was not. This is not surprising. SCL is an uber introvert and prefers playing trivia in a small group than standing in the middle of a crowded bar. I can't really blame him--in fact, if it hadn't been my birthday, I probably would've felt similarly. My birthday buddy's group of friends is a bit on the douchey side, and for the first part of the night they dominated the crowd.
At around midnight, SCL said he wanted to go home. A few months ago this would've bothered me a lot. I used to think we needed to come and go together to things like this, and I may have thought, "Ok, then I'll go home, too." But this was my party, and a lot of my friends were still there. I didn't want to go home! SCL said he'd wait up for me, so I kissed him good-bye and went on dancing without him.
When I got home, he was, in true SCL form, watching Star Trek. Classic. We both sat down with a hunk of that delicious chocolate birthday cake and stayed up into the wee hours of the morning. I'm seeing that I don't need SCL by my side all the time to have fun. In fact, there are times when it's more fun to be by myself. And I'm also learning that just because SCL doesn't dance like a crazy person, that doesn't mean he wasn't having a good time. So, he and I are different. A lot different. But at the end of the night, he's the one I want to have cake with.
Get Me Out of This Chocolate Cake Coma
Instead of getting me a gift for my birthday, SCL made me homemade chocolate cake from scratch with three scrumptious layers of nearly flourless dark chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream frosting. The thing has more than a pound of dark chocolate and I don't even want to know how much butter.
I have a confession: my relationship is making me fatter. Normally I hate talking about weight because I think we all obsess about it too much, but I can't overlook this sudden change in my own body. When SCL and I were broken up, I dropped about five pounds, probably because I was feeling down. But normally I'm an emotional eater, which leads me to think a break-up would actually cause me to eat more. When I decided to hop on a scale a few days ago, I was shocked to see I'd gained almost all of my break-up weight loss.
Some of this, I think, was due to that week on the road. But I can't overlook that SCL and I don't have good eating habits together. We eat a lot of homemade pizza, and we both have an affinity for chocolate. I think we do better apart, but together we're a diet disaster. Maybe it'll be better when we've totally separated our groceries. But we're such bad influences on each other when we eat a meal together.
Did you pack on the pounds when you started dating your significant other? Has anyone managed to get them off? And how do you change your habits together? I need some advice.
I have a confession: my relationship is making me fatter. Normally I hate talking about weight because I think we all obsess about it too much, but I can't overlook this sudden change in my own body. When SCL and I were broken up, I dropped about five pounds, probably because I was feeling down. But normally I'm an emotional eater, which leads me to think a break-up would actually cause me to eat more. When I decided to hop on a scale a few days ago, I was shocked to see I'd gained almost all of my break-up weight loss.
Some of this, I think, was due to that week on the road. But I can't overlook that SCL and I don't have good eating habits together. We eat a lot of homemade pizza, and we both have an affinity for chocolate. I think we do better apart, but together we're a diet disaster. Maybe it'll be better when we've totally separated our groceries. But we're such bad influences on each other when we eat a meal together.
Did you pack on the pounds when you started dating your significant other? Has anyone managed to get them off? And how do you change your habits together? I need some advice.
Wine is My Truth Serum
Thanks again to everyone for the lovely birthday wishes! Although it started off slow, I kicked it into high gear when the sun went down. I spent the night at my favorite gay karaoke bar, singing with a sparkly top hat on my head. Of course with that accouterment, the only appropriate things to sing were show tunes. "All that Jazz" was a big hit, and redeemed my not getting picked for the local production of Chicago. Those mofos didn't know what they were missing!
Earlier that evening SCL and I had a delicious meal at a little Italian restaurant in Old Town Alexandria. That was the first time we'd been out anywhere for weeks. The tension of not knowing where we stand is with me all the time, and even though it was my birthday, last night was no exception. I had been quite a little snit earlier in the day when we talked on the phone briefly. When he didn't immediately say "Happy Birthday," I kind of jumped down his throat. I've gotten into this pattern of reading into every single little thing he does or doesn't do, and it comes back to bite me in the butt.
While this had been an overreaction, it was an entree into talking about how I feel about our situation currently, aided by the half bottle of Pinot grigio I had downed at that point. I apologized for the earlier incident, though stood my ground that I had felt snubbed. He told me I read into things too much. I retorted, "Yes, I do. That's because I don't know what you're thinking!"
And then I went into a wine-induced rant about how I was worried about the future, that he could walk away at any second, and I am constantly thinking what every little thing means. I told him that I'm trying to give him the space and time he needs, but I don't want to do so at the cost of tending to my own needs. I told him that I'm not fixated on the when of getting married, but really the only way I want to be with him is if we're moving in that direction. Yikes, the wine is truly my truth serum.
Then I finally quit talking, and it was his turn. He told me that he loves me and that he focuses on his hang-ups too much, like when we'd get married and his family. I told him that I'm not fixated on the when so much, and while I could try harder with his parents, I can't change the way they feel. And then I blurted out, "I think they'd be an issue no matter what woman you were in a relationship with because they can't let you go." Perhaps that was taking it a bit too far. Again, I blame the wine.
I didn't get any answers, but now SCL knows for real what it is I want in our relationship--and that I'm not going to settle for just anything he'll give me. And later on in the evening when he got up to sing "Private Eyes" at the gay karaoke bar, I was reminded of how much I do want him around now...and for good.
Earlier that evening SCL and I had a delicious meal at a little Italian restaurant in Old Town Alexandria. That was the first time we'd been out anywhere for weeks. The tension of not knowing where we stand is with me all the time, and even though it was my birthday, last night was no exception. I had been quite a little snit earlier in the day when we talked on the phone briefly. When he didn't immediately say "Happy Birthday," I kind of jumped down his throat. I've gotten into this pattern of reading into every single little thing he does or doesn't do, and it comes back to bite me in the butt.
While this had been an overreaction, it was an entree into talking about how I feel about our situation currently, aided by the half bottle of Pinot grigio I had downed at that point. I apologized for the earlier incident, though stood my ground that I had felt snubbed. He told me I read into things too much. I retorted, "Yes, I do. That's because I don't know what you're thinking!"
And then I went into a wine-induced rant about how I was worried about the future, that he could walk away at any second, and I am constantly thinking what every little thing means. I told him that I'm trying to give him the space and time he needs, but I don't want to do so at the cost of tending to my own needs. I told him that I'm not fixated on the when of getting married, but really the only way I want to be with him is if we're moving in that direction. Yikes, the wine is truly my truth serum.
Then I finally quit talking, and it was his turn. He told me that he loves me and that he focuses on his hang-ups too much, like when we'd get married and his family. I told him that I'm not fixated on the when so much, and while I could try harder with his parents, I can't change the way they feel. And then I blurted out, "I think they'd be an issue no matter what woman you were in a relationship with because they can't let you go." Perhaps that was taking it a bit too far. Again, I blame the wine.
I didn't get any answers, but now SCL knows for real what it is I want in our relationship--and that I'm not going to settle for just anything he'll give me. And later on in the evening when he got up to sing "Private Eyes" at the gay karaoke bar, I was reminded of how much I do want him around now...and for good.
Happy Birthday to Me!: Reflections on This Year
Today is my 27th birthday! I have a fun evening planned of dinner with SCL, homemade chocolate cake (SCL's creation), and karaoke with my Glee-watching friends (got to find something to do on those Tuesday nights now that the show is done). I though it'd be interesting to do a reflection on the past year because so much has changed.
Just about a year ago, I was living in Connecticut, finishing up my fellowship and preparing to move to DC to start my new job and move into my new apartment with SCL. We moved in together and began looking at rings. I learned to adjust to a smaller paycheck and struggled to adjust to living in a new city. And it only took a few months for me to realize I hated my job and went looking for another one. I got pretty discouraged in the process until my dream job came along.
After about six months of living together SCL and I struggled to resist falling into a pattern of living like roommates. I worried about having a lot more money than him. I began to spending a lot more time doing work-related things. We broke up. I went to therapy. I started to get over it. I danced on a bar and took my anger out on some of SCL's things. Then he came back to me. I found my own place to live. I stood up to SCL when his behavior sucked. I'm still learning to listen to my gut and saying goodbye to our apartment.
I can't even begin to wrap my mind around how much my life and my expectations about my life have changed. If you'd asked me on my 26th birthday what I thought I'd be doing on my 27th, I would never have said moving out of my apartment with SCL (with no ring on my finger to boot). At the same time, I never thought I'd have such an amazing job with all signs looking like I'll be able to get a second year of funding, not to mention a second part-time consultant job on the horizon. The work front has exceeded any expectation I'd had while my personal life has confused the hell out of me. I'm learning I'm blessed to have the former at all.
But I've also learned again that I am strong as hell and nothing will break me, even if my heart breaks. Who knows what the next year will bring. Maybe SCL will grow up. Maybe we'll grow apart. Maybe my work will take me 6,000 miles away from DC. Whatever it is, I can handle it, especially with my blog friends here to cheer me on.
Just about a year ago, I was living in Connecticut, finishing up my fellowship and preparing to move to DC to start my new job and move into my new apartment with SCL. We moved in together and began looking at rings. I learned to adjust to a smaller paycheck and struggled to adjust to living in a new city. And it only took a few months for me to realize I hated my job and went looking for another one. I got pretty discouraged in the process until my dream job came along.
After about six months of living together SCL and I struggled to resist falling into a pattern of living like roommates. I worried about having a lot more money than him. I began to spending a lot more time doing work-related things. We broke up. I went to therapy. I started to get over it. I danced on a bar and took my anger out on some of SCL's things. Then he came back to me. I found my own place to live. I stood up to SCL when his behavior sucked. I'm still learning to listen to my gut and saying goodbye to our apartment.
I can't even begin to wrap my mind around how much my life and my expectations about my life have changed. If you'd asked me on my 26th birthday what I thought I'd be doing on my 27th, I would never have said moving out of my apartment with SCL (with no ring on my finger to boot). At the same time, I never thought I'd have such an amazing job with all signs looking like I'll be able to get a second year of funding, not to mention a second part-time consultant job on the horizon. The work front has exceeded any expectation I'd had while my personal life has confused the hell out of me. I'm learning I'm blessed to have the former at all.
But I've also learned again that I am strong as hell and nothing will break me, even if my heart breaks. Who knows what the next year will bring. Maybe SCL will grow up. Maybe we'll grow apart. Maybe my work will take me 6,000 miles away from DC. Whatever it is, I can handle it, especially with my blog friends here to cheer me on.
This Old Apartment
"Can I stay over?" It felt like a silly question for SCL to ask me, seeing as how this is still technically his apartment.
We had both had full days--he'd been with his family in Maryland, and I'd been painting and prepping for my own big move in about two weeks. We'd only seen each other a few hours here and there over the weekend, something that we're still trying to get used to. A few months ago the weekend was definitely time that we shared together, usually in our apartment playing Mario Kart and drinking wine.
I didn't sleep well next to SCL. Part of me was kind of excited that he was there (we haven't slept in the same bed for months now), and part of me just wasn't used to him anymore. Isn't that crazy? For nearly two years we've shared the same bed practically every night, and after less than two months of separation, nearly all of that familiarity was gone.
I admitted to him that at first I'd enjoyed having the bed to myself. I tend to be a semi-violent sleeper, tossing and turning and talking in my sleep and (accidentally) hitting SCL in the face. But just last week as I was drifting off, I realized how lonely it felt to fall asleep alone. I missed falling asleep next to SCL's warmth and his occasional soft snoring.
SCL's been so big about having his space, demarcated particularly by his sleeping in his own bed, that I was pretty surprised he wanted to stay with me in our old apartment. I think it was partly that he didn't feel like walking home, but there was a part of him that was reminiscing about the time we'd had together in this space. For both of us, despite the ups and downs, we have fond memories of this place. It's going to be bittersweet giving it up.
I wonder if we'll ever share a space together again.
Quality vs. Quantity Time Together
When SCL and I went to therapy that one time, we talked about our expectations in terms of time together, though not too specifically. I think we said something along the lines of seeing each other a couple times a week, which sounded reasonable at the time. But to go from living together to seeing each other twice a week would be quite the adjustment.
I can’t really say that we have a pattern yet since it’s been less than 3 weeks since SCL moved, and a week and a half of that time I was out of town. But so far this week we’ve seen each other every day for a few hours, except for yesterday. With SCL presenting a paper at a conference and my own occupation with a grant proposal and a schmoozy networking dinner, the day went by without even a phone call.
And you know, it was fine. I didn’t even think about it until I sat down to write this post. What I don’t know is if I’m prepared for how many of our days will be like yesterday. When we were still in New Haven, we had dinner together nearly every evening. So to think about having days go by with no interaction is challenging because we’ve never really done it before. I’m uncertain as to what that will mean for us growing together as a couple. Is the amount of time important?
I think in a lot of ways the cultural focus on “quality time” is kind of a crock of shit, even though I find myself playing into it. I think to myself yeah, we won’t have as much time together, but the time together we will have will be more intentional and therefore more meaningful. So far I can’t say that’s been true. It’s just that we now have a fragment of the normal time we’d spend together, usually making dinner, catching up about the day, and watching Jeopardy. And then we part ways.
Maybe this backing off and slowing down is what we need for now, but I can’t help but think that over time this will contribute to a stagnation in our growth as a couple. Of course it’s too soon to make judgments about that, but it is something I’m thinking about and wondering about. And having quantity is just as important as quality to me.
Think Again Thursday: Bad Relationship Advice
To provide some comic relief, I've decided to feature what I would deem absolutely, disgustingly horrible relationship advice as a weekly feature. This week's inspiration: the wonderful world of Twitter.
I've been using Twitter for about a year but just recently decided to have an account for Grad-Student GF. (You can follow me here!) To get the ball on the roll, I decided just to search around for what people were saying about relationships. Let me just say: it's a fucking Tweet disaster.
Here are a few charming 140-character or so pearls of wisdom I have uncovered:
"Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships."
I have no idea where this chica got this idea or why she felt the need to share it with the world, but seriously, WTF does this even mean? What does it mean for partners to love unequally--and for that to be a sign that the relationship is serious?
"Just b/c sum1 isn't Mentioned that Doesn't Mean they arnt important; The BEST Relationships R Kept Private."
Did you get that with all the Twitter talk? And what's up with all of the weird capitalization? Again, a sweeping generalization that makes me go, "WTF?" The best relationships are kept private--really? I think that depends on what kind of person you are. If I kept a relationship private, it would be because I was keeping it a secret from those closest to me, which would mean something was off. And I don't know, if someone's important, I think they just come up in conversation. That's just me.
"She never had a father at home, that's why she needs the father in you."
Now we're looking at daddy issues as a good thing? Looking for a irreplaceable part of your life in your partner rather than dealing with the loss itself? And encouraging men to be like a father to his partner? For a statement so short, there are so many fucked up things going on. It's kind of impressive on a certain level.
Needless to say, when it comes to relationship advice, Twitter is for humor, and that's about it. Have you come across any particularly horrible relationship advice on Twitter or elsewhere? Share it with us!
I've been using Twitter for about a year but just recently decided to have an account for Grad-Student GF. (You can follow me here!) To get the ball on the roll, I decided just to search around for what people were saying about relationships. Let me just say: it's a fucking Tweet disaster.
Here are a few charming 140-character or so pearls of wisdom I have uncovered:
"Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships."
I have no idea where this chica got this idea or why she felt the need to share it with the world, but seriously, WTF does this even mean? What does it mean for partners to love unequally--and for that to be a sign that the relationship is serious?
"Just b/c sum1 isn't Mentioned that Doesn't Mean they arnt important; The BEST Relationships R Kept Private."
Did you get that with all the Twitter talk? And what's up with all of the weird capitalization? Again, a sweeping generalization that makes me go, "WTF?" The best relationships are kept private--really? I think that depends on what kind of person you are. If I kept a relationship private, it would be because I was keeping it a secret from those closest to me, which would mean something was off. And I don't know, if someone's important, I think they just come up in conversation. That's just me.
"She never had a father at home, that's why she needs the father in you."
Needless to say, when it comes to relationship advice, Twitter is for humor, and that's about it. Have you come across any particularly horrible relationship advice on Twitter or elsewhere? Share it with us!
Listening to Myself
Let me preface this post by saying how much I love you all who read and comment on my blog. Please keep doing it!
I am struggling with discerning how I really feel about this situation with SCL. Because I'm not certain of my own feelings, I'm looking for clarity constantly, and I think I've been quick to take others' words to heart without really examining them and questioning if they ring true. And I think this is having an adverse effect on my relationship with SCL.
One word I've heard many times in comments is lukewarm. I'd begun to accept that SCL was, in fact, lukewarm about us. And I told him this. But when he asked me what he could do differently, I could not come up with a behavior that he has been showing me that indicates he's lukewarm. It's more that I'm frustrated that he's not yet in a place of knowing how he feels. It's not that he's avoiding thinking about it. He admitted that he's been really busy with moving and writing a paper for a conference that he has to present tomorrow. He's stressed and occupied, and for the last two weeks he just hasn't been able to be introspective about anything, including our relationship.
I don't think I'm always fair to SCL in this blog. I think I tend to convey the worst part of how I'm feeling. Why did I expect things to be great at this point, just a few weeks after he moved out and I am still in our old place? It's totally weird and awkward and liminal. SCL was the one who had the best insight about it. He said, "I'm not expecting it to be great all the time with all of this transition going on. But it also does feel normal and right and good some of the time." Precisely. There will be ups and downs, and adjustments will be made. But that doesn't mean the down times are representative of the entire relationship, or that they're the real parts of what's going on.
When I was out of town, SCL was the one checking in with me almost daily. He's the one who made me dinner when I had no food at my house. He's the one who suggested we spend the day together on Sunday. And he's the one who came over late last night to talk through it all and accept my offering of peace: cupcakes.
This doesn't mean that I don't have a right to feel bad or weird or unhappy right now, but it does mean that I need to think about the situation we're in. It might not be just about something SCL is doing, but rather the result of being in a difficult transition. The last thing I need to do is to blame him for the difficulty. What we need to do is work through it together, admit when it's hard, and enjoy the times when it feels wonderful despite the weirdness. So, I'm going to try not to jump on his case and accept the situation for what it is: a beautiful, messy transition.
I am struggling with discerning how I really feel about this situation with SCL. Because I'm not certain of my own feelings, I'm looking for clarity constantly, and I think I've been quick to take others' words to heart without really examining them and questioning if they ring true. And I think this is having an adverse effect on my relationship with SCL.
One word I've heard many times in comments is lukewarm. I'd begun to accept that SCL was, in fact, lukewarm about us. And I told him this. But when he asked me what he could do differently, I could not come up with a behavior that he has been showing me that indicates he's lukewarm. It's more that I'm frustrated that he's not yet in a place of knowing how he feels. It's not that he's avoiding thinking about it. He admitted that he's been really busy with moving and writing a paper for a conference that he has to present tomorrow. He's stressed and occupied, and for the last two weeks he just hasn't been able to be introspective about anything, including our relationship.
I don't think I'm always fair to SCL in this blog. I think I tend to convey the worst part of how I'm feeling. Why did I expect things to be great at this point, just a few weeks after he moved out and I am still in our old place? It's totally weird and awkward and liminal. SCL was the one who had the best insight about it. He said, "I'm not expecting it to be great all the time with all of this transition going on. But it also does feel normal and right and good some of the time." Precisely. There will be ups and downs, and adjustments will be made. But that doesn't mean the down times are representative of the entire relationship, or that they're the real parts of what's going on.
When I was out of town, SCL was the one checking in with me almost daily. He's the one who made me dinner when I had no food at my house. He's the one who suggested we spend the day together on Sunday. And he's the one who came over late last night to talk through it all and accept my offering of peace: cupcakes.
This doesn't mean that I don't have a right to feel bad or weird or unhappy right now, but it does mean that I need to think about the situation we're in. It might not be just about something SCL is doing, but rather the result of being in a difficult transition. The last thing I need to do is to blame him for the difficulty. What we need to do is work through it together, admit when it's hard, and enjoy the times when it feels wonderful despite the weirdness. So, I'm going to try not to jump on his case and accept the situation for what it is: a beautiful, messy transition.
Feeling Blah about the "I Don't Know"
When SCL and I were broken up, I had so much emotion that writing a blog post took little if any effort at all. It was easy to think about what to say that morning and the next morning and the next morning. And when we first began working things out, I felt the same. But now that things aren't as intense, I'm not sure how I feel in general, much less how I feel about blogging.
Reader Katie left me a comment yesterday that's something to think about. A lot to think about. The truth is I'm not feeling satisfied with my interactions with SCL. We have a good time, we enjoy one another's company, but it's difficult to accept that as enough when we've come from a place of deep intimacy and connection in the past. I know it hasn't been that long (less than two months) since SCL came back and said he wanted to try to work things out. And it's only been two weeks since he moved into his new place. But how long is too long? I feel like I'm trying to meet him where he needs me to, but what about me?
I do want clarity. I do want to know where this is heading. I am not satisfied with simply hanging out and being "whatever" together. I told him some version of this yesterday, and he responded that he's adjusting to not living together and figuring out what that means. This is fair, I guess, but it won't be an adequate response forever.
The part that's difficult is believing deep down that he's the person I'm going to be with (so it's ok to wait for him) and not getting what I want in the present. I seem to be putting a lot of hope and expectation on the future for when he comes around. I don't know if I'm hopeful or just outright delusional.
Reader Katie left me a comment yesterday that's something to think about. A lot to think about. The truth is I'm not feeling satisfied with my interactions with SCL. We have a good time, we enjoy one another's company, but it's difficult to accept that as enough when we've come from a place of deep intimacy and connection in the past. I know it hasn't been that long (less than two months) since SCL came back and said he wanted to try to work things out. And it's only been two weeks since he moved into his new place. But how long is too long? I feel like I'm trying to meet him where he needs me to, but what about me?
I do want clarity. I do want to know where this is heading. I am not satisfied with simply hanging out and being "whatever" together. I told him some version of this yesterday, and he responded that he's adjusting to not living together and figuring out what that means. This is fair, I guess, but it won't be an adequate response forever.
The part that's difficult is believing deep down that he's the person I'm going to be with (so it's ok to wait for him) and not getting what I want in the present. I seem to be putting a lot of hope and expectation on the future for when he comes around. I don't know if I'm hopeful or just outright delusional.
Yours, Mine, and...Do We Have an "Ours" Anymore?
After an adventuresome day of trying to get back to DC, I finally made it home late Saturday night. Since then I've been unpacking, resting up, and making long to-do lists for the week. Blogging was at the top of the list!
SCL picked me up at the airport and made me one of his delicious pizzas for dinner. Part of me really hoped he'd stay over with me (since the break-up, I think we've slept in the same bed twice), but he doesn't even have a toothbrush here anymore. His stuff is completely cleared out of our apartment. It's finally beginning to hit me that he's not living here anymore. And in a few weeks neither will I.
Yesterday we went on a short bike ride and then he, after I asked, took me over to his new place. It's pretty nice--he's got the small basement of the house to himself. He still has a little bit of unpacking to do, but it's definitely where he lives now. Without me. I could tell that he was comfortable there--he has a place to work and a place to play his piano. (He even played for me, which he never does for anyone!) It's quiet and big enough for him to have his own space. It's exactly what he wanted.
So much will change with this move--our morning coffee ritual, brushing our teeth together, sharing the little things that happen during the day. The separation is hurtful, especially because I still don't know what it is we're doing. I still want some clarity about the relationship. Are we "together"? Are we boyfriend/girlfriend? I still think of him that way, but I don't know what he thinks. When I ask him about it, he says he doesn't know. I know that labels don't define a relationship, but I want to know what we're doing.
He mentioned casually that his whole family is getting together next weekend. In the past I would've always been invited, but I didn't even ask about it. I'm not sure even what his parents know or think. Why does this bother me so much? I know it's about what's going on between the two of us, but I feel weird thinking this is some kind of secret for him. I never thought I'd have to define a relationship again, especially not the one I have with SCL.
On the Homestretch
After spending most of the week in Texas, Missouri, and Kansas, I'm finally back in the eastern time zone and ready to rock the last leg of my trip. So far I've addressed more than 1350 people, which has been exhilarating and exhausting at the same time. Mostly, though, it's been the traveling to and from the airport, staying in hotels, eating restaurant food, and flying constantly that's got me feeling sluggish. But despite that, I've had a fantastic time so far.
Because I've been so busy, SCL and I have only had a few minutes here and there to catch up, but when we have, it's been great. We usually suck at talking on the phone, but because so much has been going on with me and he's been doing some fun things in DC, we've had a lot of good things to share with each other. It should be obvious to me, but when we're both happy doing our own things, we make a happier couple when we come back together. This is what so many of you have been telling me all along, but until I could start seeing it for myself, I wasn't quite sure.
I'm glad I don't travel like this all the time, but I am glad that I have a job that is fulfilling, exciting, and always changing. When I first moved to DC, I had a job I hated, and it really took a toll on me and my relationship with SCL. I was fortunate to find another one that I love because it's satisfying. I know not everyone can have her dream job, but I do hope we all can find ways of having that excitement, passion, and satisfaction on our own rather than seeking it all in our relationships.
I have another busy two days ahead of me, but I look forward to being back with all of you when I'm home. Hope you're all having great weeks!
Because I've been so busy, SCL and I have only had a few minutes here and there to catch up, but when we have, it's been great. We usually suck at talking on the phone, but because so much has been going on with me and he's been doing some fun things in DC, we've had a lot of good things to share with each other. It should be obvious to me, but when we're both happy doing our own things, we make a happier couple when we come back together. This is what so many of you have been telling me all along, but until I could start seeing it for myself, I wasn't quite sure.
I'm glad I don't travel like this all the time, but I am glad that I have a job that is fulfilling, exciting, and always changing. When I first moved to DC, I had a job I hated, and it really took a toll on me and my relationship with SCL. I was fortunate to find another one that I love because it's satisfying. I know not everyone can have her dream job, but I do hope we all can find ways of having that excitement, passion, and satisfaction on our own rather than seeking it all in our relationships.
I have another busy two days ahead of me, but I look forward to being back with all of you when I'm home. Hope you're all having great weeks!
Quick Check-In from Texas
Count me out for this week, yo. After a weekend-long bachelorette party and now in the middle of a 6-day work trip, I am ridiculously tired and cranky. I saw SCL for approximately one hour during the twenty I was home in DC to unpack, repack, and prepare my talks for the week. I'm already counting down to when I get to go home.
Business travel is not glamorous. Can't wait to be back with you next week. I may blog here and there, but for now I'm spending a lot of time up in the air, in rental cars, and preparing hastily for presentations...
Business travel is not glamorous. Can't wait to be back with you next week. I may blog here and there, but for now I'm spending a lot of time up in the air, in rental cars, and preparing hastily for presentations...
Girls' Weekend!...But First, More Thoughts on Marriage
Today I'm heading up to Boston for my first bachelorette party, celebrating the soon-to-be wed C who was my sorority little sister. I haven't seen her since 2006, so I'm very excited for this rendezvous weekend of shenanigans.
But I've still got a lot going on in my head about this whole future thing.
As a child of divorced parents, I thought I'd be freaked out by the idea of marrying someone because all I heard about was how I was more likely to get divorced myself than my peers with married parents. My mom pounded into my head that I didn't need a man, but that I would date lots and lots of them before finding the right one. Even then this didn't resonate with me, but I did like the idea of not needing anyone. When I had my first serious boyfriend in college, though, the idea of marriage was less scary because I was in love for the first time and of course thought I'd met the man I was going to marry. I daydreamed about having a house together and sharing a happy life together. Quite sickening stuff actually, but normal for a 20-year-old. I thought I'd be married by age 25. Crazy kid.
When my college boyfriend and I broke up after he hooked up with one of my friends, I enjoyed single life for several years. I didn't date anyone really, just made friends and focused on myself. I was surrounded by powerful single women for the first time and began considering what my life would look like without a partner. It didn't scare me to think about being like these amazing women who had the freedom to kick ass in the world on their own. I figured I'd eventually move to DC, establish myself in my career, meet an older, established man, and get married when I was in my mid-30s. Sounded like a fabulous plan.
Then SCL came into my life. He was not what I had planned--younger, academic, and (yikes) in a relationship. But after nearly a year of flirtation and sexual tension, eventually we gave in and got together. I thought he'd be a fling. I was finishing up grad school and really desired no lasting connection to the school. But our time together was intoxicating, and soon we found ourselves in that all-consuming, nearly blinding infatuation stage. I couldn't just let go of that.
In those early weeks I felt that I loved him and that this was going to be the man I'd marry. And that feeling, while it sometimes wavers, is still there now. Sometimes I wish I were more freaked out by the idea of marriage, that I was in that place of being fine with it happening or not happening. But thoughts like that are so different in the abstract when there is no smart, handsome, compassionate man in my life.
I do want a life with SCL. I believe in him and in the work he's doing. We share the same values and view the world in similar ways. He challenges me and pushes me in ways that I need to be challenged and pushed. The core things we share are rare and beautiful. The barriers of age, maturity, and his being a student are temporary, and I guess I feel like if I can hang in there, he'll come around eventually. Perhaps this is a dangerous way to think about things, but for now it's where I place my hope.
But I've still got a lot going on in my head about this whole future thing.
As a child of divorced parents, I thought I'd be freaked out by the idea of marrying someone because all I heard about was how I was more likely to get divorced myself than my peers with married parents. My mom pounded into my head that I didn't need a man, but that I would date lots and lots of them before finding the right one. Even then this didn't resonate with me, but I did like the idea of not needing anyone. When I had my first serious boyfriend in college, though, the idea of marriage was less scary because I was in love for the first time and of course thought I'd met the man I was going to marry. I daydreamed about having a house together and sharing a happy life together. Quite sickening stuff actually, but normal for a 20-year-old. I thought I'd be married by age 25. Crazy kid.
When my college boyfriend and I broke up after he hooked up with one of my friends, I enjoyed single life for several years. I didn't date anyone really, just made friends and focused on myself. I was surrounded by powerful single women for the first time and began considering what my life would look like without a partner. It didn't scare me to think about being like these amazing women who had the freedom to kick ass in the world on their own. I figured I'd eventually move to DC, establish myself in my career, meet an older, established man, and get married when I was in my mid-30s. Sounded like a fabulous plan.
Then SCL came into my life. He was not what I had planned--younger, academic, and (yikes) in a relationship. But after nearly a year of flirtation and sexual tension, eventually we gave in and got together. I thought he'd be a fling. I was finishing up grad school and really desired no lasting connection to the school. But our time together was intoxicating, and soon we found ourselves in that all-consuming, nearly blinding infatuation stage. I couldn't just let go of that.
In those early weeks I felt that I loved him and that this was going to be the man I'd marry. And that feeling, while it sometimes wavers, is still there now. Sometimes I wish I were more freaked out by the idea of marriage, that I was in that place of being fine with it happening or not happening. But thoughts like that are so different in the abstract when there is no smart, handsome, compassionate man in my life.
I do want a life with SCL. I believe in him and in the work he's doing. We share the same values and view the world in similar ways. He challenges me and pushes me in ways that I need to be challenged and pushed. The core things we share are rare and beautiful. The barriers of age, maturity, and his being a student are temporary, and I guess I feel like if I can hang in there, he'll come around eventually. Perhaps this is a dangerous way to think about things, but for now it's where I place my hope.
Wedding Dreams
I usually remember my dreams, especially the ones I have in the early morning. Wedding dreams are not uncommon for me, but they're usually totally wackadoodle in some way. I'm either marrying the wrong person, like an old boyfriend, wearing something horrible, or planning it at the last second. But this morning's dream was lovely because this time almost all of the pieces were there: white dress, SCL, beloved friends and family...but I wasn't wearing an engagement ring.
Engagement has been a touchy subject for SCL and me. When he decided he wanted to go into a PhD program, I told him that I wanted a formal commitment from him. I knew it was going to be a long, tiring journey, and that his choice to go into the program would affect many things in our relationship--the amount of time and money he had to contribute being two of the main ones. I wanted to know we were in it together, and that he'd be there at the end of it. He agreed that another year of dating before an engagement was a good timeline, and so we moved in with each other with the expectation of an engagement in the spring of 2010.
My, my how things change.
In the fall we looked at rings. I knew I wanted something conflict-free, but that I did want a diamond. I guess there's part of me that's still a little traditional. And thus commenced our first fight about an engagement. He told me he thought diamonds were stupid, that they were artificially overpriced, and even the conflict-free ones couldn't be ensured to be mined without any human rights violations. Yikes. How does a person even respond to something like this? I think I responding by crying. He told me he wanted to get moissanite instead. I think that just made me cry harder.
I realized later that it was never about the diamond itself. It was about him not being ready and looking for excuses to delay or forego altogether a formal commitment to me. The closer it came to becoming a reality, the more freaked out he got about it. When we were discussing getting back together, he actually apologized for how he had treated the whole subject, that he saw how mean it had been to disregard my feelings about it. And he admitted that I was right--that he had just been looking for an excuse not to.
Now that we are taking things slowly and have made plans to separate our lives to a certain degree, I do feel less fixated on a long-term future with him. Thoughts of a wedding dress or engagement ring still cross my mind from time to time--and I still can't stop torturing myself by watching episodes of Say Yes to the Dress--but I'm trying not to think about it too much. This takes a lot of work, I'm finding. This weekend I'm going to a bachelorette party and have three weddings to attend this summer. It's difficult to be surrounded by friends who are at that stage of their relationships, and wondering why we didn't make it there--and if we ever will.
I know right now we need to work on rebuilding a foundation, enjoying one another, and establishing the loving friendship that will last in the midst of difficulty. Before I made the mistake of thinking too much about the future and letting the daily life we had together slip past me without intentionality. Ultimately, though, I do want to know that we are in this together, that we are moving closer together and sharing our lives, and this involves more than just the day to day life. It's also about long-term plans and expectations. And I don't know if we're in alignment about that yet.
Engagement has been a touchy subject for SCL and me. When he decided he wanted to go into a PhD program, I told him that I wanted a formal commitment from him. I knew it was going to be a long, tiring journey, and that his choice to go into the program would affect many things in our relationship--the amount of time and money he had to contribute being two of the main ones. I wanted to know we were in it together, and that he'd be there at the end of it. He agreed that another year of dating before an engagement was a good timeline, and so we moved in with each other with the expectation of an engagement in the spring of 2010.
My, my how things change.
In the fall we looked at rings. I knew I wanted something conflict-free, but that I did want a diamond. I guess there's part of me that's still a little traditional. And thus commenced our first fight about an engagement. He told me he thought diamonds were stupid, that they were artificially overpriced, and even the conflict-free ones couldn't be ensured to be mined without any human rights violations. Yikes. How does a person even respond to something like this? I think I responding by crying. He told me he wanted to get moissanite instead. I think that just made me cry harder.
I realized later that it was never about the diamond itself. It was about him not being ready and looking for excuses to delay or forego altogether a formal commitment to me. The closer it came to becoming a reality, the more freaked out he got about it. When we were discussing getting back together, he actually apologized for how he had treated the whole subject, that he saw how mean it had been to disregard my feelings about it. And he admitted that I was right--that he had just been looking for an excuse not to.
Now that we are taking things slowly and have made plans to separate our lives to a certain degree, I do feel less fixated on a long-term future with him. Thoughts of a wedding dress or engagement ring still cross my mind from time to time--and I still can't stop torturing myself by watching episodes of Say Yes to the Dress--but I'm trying not to think about it too much. This takes a lot of work, I'm finding. This weekend I'm going to a bachelorette party and have three weddings to attend this summer. It's difficult to be surrounded by friends who are at that stage of their relationships, and wondering why we didn't make it there--and if we ever will.
I know right now we need to work on rebuilding a foundation, enjoying one another, and establishing the loving friendship that will last in the midst of difficulty. Before I made the mistake of thinking too much about the future and letting the daily life we had together slip past me without intentionality. Ultimately, though, I do want to know that we are in this together, that we are moving closer together and sharing our lives, and this involves more than just the day to day life. It's also about long-term plans and expectations. And I don't know if we're in alignment about that yet.
First Night Alone
SCL spent the night at his new place. Technically this wasn't my first night alone in our apartment--I spent plenty of those while we were broken up. The difference is this time he's staying in his own place, not at a friend's or at his parents'. This is a permanent move, and I've still got another month before I can begin moving into my house. So in the meantime I've got to learn to deal with living here alone.
It's not like he's moved all of his stuff out, but he's got one foot out the door for sure. He sold the extra bed and dresser. Most of his books are gone, and a lot of his clothes, too. He's even down to a single monitor on his desk (there were three. Yes, he is a total computer nerd if you didn't know.) And to make it worse, his moving things out has only seemed to make my things explode everywhere. Now I'm living in chaos of my own creation.
Instead of dealing with the present situation, I prefer thinking about my new place, occupying myself with decoration ideas and picturing how serene and beautiful it will be. I have what I'd like my bed to look like in my head. It looks something like this:
But I've still got time to spend here, and I don't want to waste it wishing it away.
It's hard to have SCL already literally moving on and for me be stuck in the same place. That's how I've felt in the past about the relationship in general--him moving to a new place and I'm trying to catch up. I'm still struggling with all of the transitions we're going through, wondering if it's really going to work and if I'm going to be able to adjust. The tendency to cling right now is strong and difficult to resist, and yet I know that is one of the biggest issues I have to overcome.
I'm struggling to be strong when all I really want is to have him hold me.
Super Comments Award
Many thanks to DC Dating Divas for this "Super Comments" Award they gave me over the long-weekend. A nice thing to start off this week!
And now to share the love with some of my fellow bloggers:
- Krysten at After 'I Do'
- Nicole at Casa de Nicole (Or is it You Had Me at Hello?)
- Katie at Date Me, DC!
- Cee at Curiosity
I'm really starting to feel like a real blogger! Thanks to everyone who's reading along patiently as I muddle through this crazy situation.
Also, something to think about: what should I call this blog now? Would removing the "ex" be like jinxing it? Change it to something else? When?
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