It's partly an acceptance of the ambiguity of the situation, and it's partly my own exhaustion with the situation.
I've started emailing folks on craigslist about housing, not that I'm seriously looking yet but to get my mind in the framework of finding my own place to live, something I thought I'd be doing anyway a few weeks ago. It's kind of liberating not to be restricted by SCL's meager student finances in terms of where I can find a place. It'll be more expensive than sharing our 1BR, but not too much.
I have to say, I don't mind being in our apartment by myself, but when we're together here, it feels totally weird. SCL named it tonight--in the apartment our interactions feel "normal," but it's not like it was four months ago or so. It's confusing to be kind of back at the beginning of our relationship, trying to rebuild it, but occupying a space we shared when we were "serious" or "committed" or whatever it was we were. Now I don't know what we are.
What I do know is that he's the one shifting and varying and wavering, not me. He even admitted this today. Frankly, it's exhausting to be around, and there's part of me that wishes we both could pack up and move tomorrow, get out of this place and the baggage it holds, get a fresh start. If the separation helps us, fine. If it doesn't, at least it'll put me out of the misery of being around his moody ass.
I'm not sure what to do in the meantime before our lease is up in July. If we are going to try to give it another go together, I think we should make time to be together now (i.e. have some actual fun) and not wait until we've moved. Maybe that needs to be done exclusively outside our living space since it seems to wreak havoc on our time together.
Oh, just fuck it.