It's partly an acceptance of the ambiguity of the situation, and it's partly my own exhaustion with the situation.
I've started emailing folks on craigslist about housing, not that I'm seriously looking yet but to get my mind in the framework of finding my own place to live, something I thought I'd be doing anyway a few weeks ago. It's kind of liberating not to be restricted by SCL's meager student finances in terms of where I can find a place. It'll be more expensive than sharing our 1BR, but not too much.
I have to say, I don't mind being in our apartment by myself, but when we're together here, it feels totally weird. SCL named it tonight--in the apartment our interactions feel "normal," but it's not like it was four months ago or so. It's confusing to be kind of back at the beginning of our relationship, trying to rebuild it, but occupying a space we shared when we were "serious" or "committed" or whatever it was we were. Now I don't know what we are.
What I do know is that he's the one shifting and varying and wavering, not me. He even admitted this today. Frankly, it's exhausting to be around, and there's part of me that wishes we both could pack up and move tomorrow, get out of this place and the baggage it holds, get a fresh start. If the separation helps us, fine. If it doesn't, at least it'll put me out of the misery of being around his moody ass.
I'm not sure what to do in the meantime before our lease is up in July. If we are going to try to give it another go together, I think we should make time to be together now (i.e. have some actual fun) and not wait until we've moved. Maybe that needs to be done exclusively outside our living space since it seems to wreak havoc on our time together.
Oh, just fuck it.
You still have time...a lot can change in a couple months. Just take it one day at a time!
ReplyDeleteYeah I can imagine that would be really hard. How much longer is on your lease? I'll be you're counting the days.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like you're starting to really get in touch with your strength. Your true strength. I know it must be uber hard to still be in that apartment, wishing things hadn't changed, dealing with, as you said, his "moody ass". Get out and do things and leave him behind. Do a complete 180. Act as if it doesn't really matter to you, that your interest has started to wane. I honestly believe that this is going to be the only way to get his attention to the point that he really gets back in the game, if there even is a way. Sometimes you just can't put the toothpaste back into the tube. You deserve more.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to avoid any kind of game-playing/strategizing because I know I'd probably suck at it. Just not my style. But as far as focusing on me, I am definitely trying to do that, so maybe that will happen naturally.
ReplyDeleteThat is a still a very good idea...focusing on you that is! Don't stop playing kickball. This is something you are doing by yourself that lets out all this energy and emotion.
ReplyDeleteI don't exactly mean game in the sense of manipulation. Well, maybe I do, but not in a mean way. I really think you should just focus on you and what will make you happy. I guess what I mean by "act as if", is to just start to behave in a way that you're giving the message that whether he comes around or not, it is NOT your primary focus or concern. Don't engage him in conversations about the relationship. If you keep acting this way, eventually it will not be an act. You will find yourself actually in that place. And I know you might not believe this right now, but you may just find yourself not wanting him anymore. And even if you do, if he does wig out again, it won't hurt you like it did because you will be OH SO MUCH STRONGER.
ReplyDeleteHere's a link to the blog of a young woman that recently died. Her name is Eva Markoort, and she had Cystic Fibrosis. Read this blog. This young woman was the most amazing, beautiful, beacon of light. She lived her life fiercly, in spite of the raw deal she got. You will be hooked, I swear, and it will take your mind off of your own problems.
http://65redroses.livejournal.com/
In the words of the commentator tonight on LeBron James "Just Do You!" SCL clearly is! Dont sell yourself short.
ReplyDeleteJust checking in on you. Good on you for dropping the F bomb.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck on the lease situation. Sounds like your therapy sessions are putting things more into focus.
Thanks, FL girl and everyone for the encouraging words. This is a big ass adjustment for me, so I need all the pep talks I can get!
ReplyDelete