Here's to an Entire Day of Not Acting Like a Psycho!

Yesterday was a huge accomplishment for me. I went through the entire day without making a single comment about our "relationship" or whatever it is the fuck SCL and I doing! This is a first for me. Yes, I do over-analyze things. Yes, I do agonize over things. Yes, I do worry about things constantly. This is a trait I adopted from my beloved mother. I am trying to work on it.

So, I wrote yesterday's post from the airport just a few minutes before learning that my flight would be delayed, I would miss my connection, and the next connecting flight to Springfield, IL wouldn't be until 6:30 that evening. Great, just great. They might as well tell me that the next flight wasn't until November. I'd been up since the ass-crack of dawn to get to the airport, and now hours later I had to turn around and head home. At least it was a beautiful day and I actually got to enjoy most of it.

SCL had plans for the evening, but I though it'd be nice to go on a walk. I wanted him to show me the place he's seriously considering living for the next year. It's very nice and close to where we live now. And I genuinely was happy for him. I can tell that this is going to be good for him, and hopefully us, too.

I'm still really trying to get to know him again, so I've started asking him random questions about his life that don't have anything to do with our relationship. I had no idea that he wanted to be an astronaut when he was a little kid or that he was attempting to sight-read better on the piano. We had a relaxed conversation, the kind I wish we'd had more of in the past. There are so many things I wish I could take back, but all I can do is try to do is move forward. I also told him I'd like to listen to Ben Folds because he's so into his music even though I'm not sure I understand why. Rebuilding our friendship is important to me. I guess I'd gotten so caught up in the relationship and our future that I probably neglected the friendship that we have.

Later that evening I was having a chili cheeseburger at the infamous Ben's Chili Bowl (though I couldn't tell you why it's so famous honestly) with a guy friend that I suspect has a crush on me. I told him SCL had plans to go out salsa dancing, which is entirely uncharacteristic of him but probably another attempt for him to reinvent himself. I'm all for it. Guy friend says, "Let's show up and I'll flirt with you and make him jealous!" I think he was actually semi-serious about this. Um, no thanks. Last thing I want to be is a psycho.

I'm still uncertain as to where things are going, but for now I'm trying not to focus on it too much. I have no idea what our therapy session tomorrow will be like, but I'm hoping for the best. I think what I'm realizing is that I want SCL to be my friend for a long time. He makes me laugh like no one else can (and he's honestly not even very funny in general), and we do share a connection that is worth fighting for. I hope he sees that, too.