It felt awkward at first. I kind of hate talking via computer because tone is impossible to detect. I had decided that I'd restrain myself a bit and let him do more of the work. We chatted about our respective weekends--he's in the middle of finals, and I've been chatting with thousands of little old ladies about maternal health. Then he told me that he was looking forward to finals being over, especially because it would mean a lot more time for us to spend together.
Relief. I needed that affirmation. He went on to affirm our relationship and his feelings about me. And most of my anxiety about him possibly having changed his mind went away instantly.
I did tell him that it would have been helpful if he had at least said "hi" before last night or if we'd been more clear about when exactly we would talk. He said that was fair. I'm learning that I can't assume anything, especially right now because the rules are so different.
I was most relieved when he said this: "I feel like I'm in a place of hope and optimism that I haven't been at for a while, but I guess it's not just that, because those are things that are bound to come and go. I guess I'm trying to realize that I don't have to feel a certain way all the time, and sharing my thoughts and feelings with you isn't something I need to be afraid of."
Yes. Exactly. I told him how relieved I felt to hear him say that, and that I knew how hard it is for him to open up to me but that I appreciate it deeply.
All of this is a process, a difficult one. A lot of times I feel insecure and worry that he's changed his mind, and I think that's to be expected. The clearer we can be with each other through communication, the better. But I'm thankful for his new openness and insight. We are moving forward, one baby step at a time.