So, here we go. Yesterday SCL came back after three nights at his parents. After being home for about an hour, he started packing things into my car to take to his new place. Although his lease doesn't start until June 1st, the landlord/SCL's new roommate had said he could start moving things in this week. I don't blame SCL for wanting to move stuff in gradually, but it was kind of tough to see him for a few minutes and then the next moment he's packing up his shit. Well, I'm going to have to face it sooner or later. He's moving out.
But this is not the disappearing act I'm talking about. Ironically last night I wrote something in my journal like, "I really want to know that SCL isn't going anywhere, but right now I don't even trust him to come home at night." And that is true. The nights when he's out later than I am, I usually keep my bedroom door open to hear him come in. My mom did this when we were teenagers because she said she couldn't sleep until she knew we were home safe. Most of the time I don't hear him but when I wake up, he's there sound asleep.
Until last night. After moving some of his stuff over, he took a shower and went over to a party around 5:30. I didn't ask when he'd be home, and I didn't even leave my door open. But I did assume he would come home. Apparently that isn't a safe assumption to make because when I woke up this morning, I looked out in the living room and he wasn't there. I was worried and pretty pissed. I went to check my phone and email; no word from him. I figured he'd just gotten drunk or had missed the last train, but neither of these options sounded much like him. He's always managed to get home before.
I sent him a text, "R u ok?" and he texted back yes, that he had stayed over where the party was and would be home later. Well, at least he's ok. I'm not so much upset over him not coming home, but that he didn't let me know that he might stay over. The bigger issue to me is wondering if this is how it's going to be with us. Is staying out all night and not calling now something I'm expected to just accept as ok? I guess when he moves into his own place, it will be different, but while we're still living in the same apartment, it would just be nice to know where he is. But it's like he's already gone.
Thanks for doing the guest post! I feel like you are in a really strange situation with him right now...whenever you are living with someone it is nice if they at least give you a heads up about where they are going/when they will be back. And that goes for any type of roommate situation!
ReplyDeleteThanks for asking me, Cee! I'm not nearly as witty as SurferWife (love her blog), but it was still fun to guest post!
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, you're right. Even if he were a roommate, I'd want to know where he was. He just got back and is acting sheepish. I'm thinking he thought I'd let him off the hook, but instead I just said I needed to get back to work. I guess he missed the last Metro, but he could have at least emailed me so when I woke up I'd know where he was. Little bastard.
Yikes, that would majorly bother me. My husband tends to go places and if he doesn't text me to even let me know he'll be late I start to worrying. It was the worst when I used to have to work really early in the morning so I'd be trying to sleep really early at night and couldn't because he wasn't home. Yuck.
ReplyDeleteI had a serious boyfriend many years ago that I lived with for a couple of years. When we were moving apart, we still had plans to continue to be a couple, but I have to say, that it didn't last too long after that. I can't remember just how long it did, but we eventually went our separate ways. Once we were living apart, it's like I went my way and he went his. We would occasionally still see each other, but I eventually lost interest. He did, too. I think it's just really hard to backtrack, you know? To go from living together to just dating again. It doesn't mean it can't happen. But I think more often than not, moving out and trying to date is like a stop on the break-up train. The good thing, though, is that by the time it does officially end, it isn't nearly as upsetting. You've already gotten used to the fact that things haven't turned out the way you had planned at that point, so it's just easier for some reason.
ReplyDeleteNot saying this is what will happen to you. I guess I'm just giving you some hope that if it does you WILL be just fine. His staying out and not bothering to let you know where he was or what he was doing kind of seems like he's already moving on to his own life. Or maybe he was just too drunk. But regardless, keep on keeping on. You'll get past all of this, no matter what happens.
It sounds like he is taking advantage of the ambiguity of the relationship, meaning that he probably thinks if your not technically together and just taking things slow then he can come and go as he wants without explaining himself. Not abnormal but very disrespectful. Its like you said he has "already moved out" and is acting the part.
ReplyDeleteAnon--thanks. This time I do know I'll be ok. I feel a lot less intensity in general about the situation, and I'm beginning to see that if things don't change, I'm really not getting much out of it.
ReplyDeleteBrian--I think you're completely right that he's taking advantage of the situation--not only the ambiguity, but also my giving him space. A real jerk move.
This is what I did before I left for good. I felt so terrible about hurting her that I didn't want to face the fact that I needed to leave. But I wasn't staying because I wanted to stay. It was because I wanted to move on past the relationship with someone who was my best friend and she was devastated. No one wants to hurt their best friend. And so I had one foot in the door and the other out the window. In retrospect, I wish I'd been man enough to cut it when I first started feeling this way. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Nothing saying that he's like me though, everyone has their own reasons.
ReplyDeleteHi Max, thanks for sharing. I think I tend to overanalyze things, so for now I'm trying to resist the urge to understand what every action means and just go with it. SCL may leave; he may stay. I don't know, but for now he's sincerely trying to make amends and I'll go with it for the time being.
ReplyDelete