Taking on Comments

Hi blog friends. Just woke up after a fabulous night of sleep to find a little controversy in the comments section of my last post, so I guess I'll take on the challenges of this "Anonymous" comment. (Please, if you're going to comment like this, at least leave a nickname!)

If you didn't see it, let me re-post it here:

I just finished reading your blog. I would like to give you some feedback, and I want to preface it by saying I'm not trying to be an asshole. I'm really not. I'm just trying to give you an honest, unbiased view of what you wrote. You may not care for it, but the way I see it is if you're going to take to the internet to tell your story, you should probably be prepared to hear things that you may not really like.

First of all, I am glad that you got back together, and I really hope it works out for you. But I have to admit, I found some big contradictions in your story. For example: Valentine's Day. In your post, you talk about how the two of you don't really agree with the whole Valentine's rituals that others do. You mention gifts. In fact, you mention the gift that he bought you, which was tickets to see Chelsea Lately. You say that you actually like that better than something else because it would give you time to be together doing something fun. After the breakup, though, you talk about the tickets, and you mention that it wasn't a very creative gift since you had been to see Kathy Griffin there before. You also said that it was probably more fun than you would have had with him. That's not exactly the picture you painted before. Another is the fact that before he broke up with you, you never really mention any problems with him. Not really. Yet, after he broke up with you, you talk about things you noticed, and even say that the relationship started to unravel months before. Considering that you had only been living together for a few months, and your blog starts out with your moving in together, it's a little confusing. If you were noticing problems, why did you not share them with your blog followers? For example, the reading of his journal in September. How come you never mentioned it here? If your blog is devoted to your relationship and all of the dynamics, it seems you would have mentioned it, and the fact that you didn't suggests that it's not a completely factual and comprehensive picture of your life with him. I mean, honestly, it was like "Oh, everything is just so great. We're a partnership. He's awesome" one minute, and the next, "I should have seen it. I noticed this and that.". Why didn't you mention noticing this and that if you were being honest?

The other thing I wanted to bring up is the therapist. I'm not knocking therapy. It just seems like sometimes people use it as a band-aid. Heartbreak happens...run to therapist to make it all better. I don't know, I just don't really understand why you felt you needed therapy because your relationship ended. Maybe I have the wrong view of therapy. I guess I just view it as something one does when they are having serious problems. In other words, based on your previous posts, I guess I would have thought you would have a little more resiliency to have gotten through those few (yes, few) weeks without professional help. I just think some people use it as a crutch. Not saying this applies to you, because I dont' know. Just something to think about.

Honestly, I do hope you work things out. But something tells me that you will be back in the spot of him ending things. He sounds like kind of a flake, to be frank. He moves in with you and four months later he wants out of the whole thing? Then a few weeks later, he, too, is going to see a therapist and all is now going to be well? I hope so. But I have my doubts. Be careful with your heart, and I would suggest NOT moving in with him again. I really think you'll be back at the same place if you do.

Shall we take this apart here?

1. I just finished reading your blog. I would like to give you some feedback, and I want to preface it by saying I'm not trying to be an asshole. I'm really not. I'm just trying to give you an honest, unbiased view of what you wrote. You may not care for it, but the way I see it is if you're going to take to the internet to tell your story, you should probably be prepared to hear things that you may not really like.

Prefacing something by saying "I'm not trying to be an asshole" is a red flag. It's akin to someone saying "Don't take this the wrong way." It means that what you're saying is not unbiased but in fact critical. There is no such thing as an unbiased view. But Anon is correct in that if I'm going to tell my story on the Internet, I should be prepared for feedback, positive and negative. So be it.

2. First of all, I am glad that you got back together, and I really hope it works out for you. But I have to admit, I found some big contradictions in your story. For example: Valentine's Day. In your post, you talk about how the two of you don't really agree with the whole Valentine's rituals that others do. You mention gifts. In fact, you mention the gift that he bought you, which was tickets to see Chelsea Lately. You say that you actually like that better than something else because it would give you time to be together doing something fun. After the breakup, though, you talk about the tickets, and you mention that it wasn't a very creative gift since you had been to see Kathy Griffin there before. You also said that it was probably more fun than you would have had with him. That's not exactly the picture you painted before. Another is the fact that before he broke up with you, you never really mention any problems with him. Not really. Yet, after he broke up with you, you talk about things you noticed, and even say that the relationship started to unravel months before. Considering that you had only been living together for a few months, and your blog starts out with your moving in together, it's a little confusing. If you were noticing problems, why did you not share them with your blog followers? For example, the reading of his journal in September. How come you never mentioned it here? If your blog is devoted to your relationship and all of the dynamics, it seems you would have mentioned it, and the fact that you didn't suggests that it's not a completely factual and comprehensive picture of your life with him. I mean, honestly, it was like "Oh, everything is just so great. We're a partnership. He's awesome" one minute, and the next, "I should have seen it. I noticed this and that.". Why didn't you mention noticing this and that if you were being honest?

Anon, are you really glad we got back together? Nothing in this post sounds like you do. I think you felt like you had to say this before you went on to point out of all of the problems you see in our relationship.

Before our break-up, I didn't see this blog as a place to come pour my guts out everyday. I didn't need that. No, not everything was perfect, but SCL was reading my blog at the time. I wasn't going to say things that were private, or things I wanted to discuss with him in person. And I never claimed things were perfect, like this post shows. After the break-up, I had little to lose at that point. I was free to share my incredibly biased perspective in the situation as a way to vent, to find community, and to find some kind of healing. The thing is in the relationship, I was prepared to make it work no matter what. I had committed to that, so it did change my perspective when SCL broke it off with me. Obviously, do I even need to say that?

The other thing I wanted to bring up is the therapist. I'm not knocking therapy. It just seems like sometimes people use it as a band-aid. Heartbreak happens...run to therapist to make it all better. I don't know, I just don't really understand why you felt you needed therapy because your relationship ended. Maybe I have the wrong view of therapy. I guess I just view it as something one does when they are having serious problems. In other words, based on your previous posts, I guess I would have thought you would have a little more resiliency to have gotten through those few (yes, few) weeks without professional help. I just think some people use it as a crutch. Not saying this applies to you, because I dont' know. Just something to think about.

Again, the prefacing: "I'm not knocking therapy." Yes, you are. Well, you are knocking my use of it. Thinking that therapy is about making it all better is a clear sign that you know nothing about it. Sure, I could go have a rebound, get trashed, eat like a glutton, do some other stupid shit to cope. A lot of people do that. Instead I decided to find a healthy way of working through it with the guidance of a skilled professional. I really don't feel the need to defend this. You are certainly reinforcing cultural myths about who "should" go to therapy and that it's a sign of weakness. What complete and utter bullshit.

Honestly, I do hope you work things out. But something tells me that you will be back in the spot of him ending things. He sounds like kind of a flake, to be frank. He moves in with you and four months later he wants out of the whole thing? Then a few weeks later, he, too, is going to see a therapist and all is now going to be well? I hope so. But I have my doubts. Be careful with your heart, and I would suggest NOT moving in with him again. I really think you'll be back at the same place if you do.

Again, do you actually hope things work out? To clarify, it was not four months later. We moved in together early July, so it had been nearly nine months, but that's beside the point. I never said "all will be well." This is hard as shit, and we have a lot of work to do. I don't know what will happen.

Here's the thing, folks. I owe nothing to anyone in terms of talking about my relationship. I share what I feel like sharing, hide what I feel like hiding, and respond to what I want. I don't really give a shit what Anonymous thinks because s/he's basing this on crap I've written, not on the relationship itself. Yeah, there's contradictions, omissions, etc. because it's a blog, not a memoir. As many of you have said, the only people who understand a relationship are the two who are in it.

Comments are always welcome. I'm not against opposing views, and believe me, Anon, you aren't the first. Yes, I should be prepared to have negative and positive comments, but there's no obligation I have to accept it or even seriously consider it, just as the same is true of reading or not reading my blog. But seriously if you're really trying to be helpful and not just throw an opinion out there, try having a more balanced view, one that can be both critical and charitable. And just prefacing it with "I'm not trying to be an asshole" ain't gonna cut it.

Note: apparently I'm not the only one dealing with this right now. Check out Cee's blog post about this very issue.