First, I talked about the apartment dilemma: to live together or not. I explained that I saw either as a big decision--that moving together implied long-term commitment whereas moving out and living separately indicated a breaking apart. She helped broaden my view on this--that perhaps not allowing something as arbitrary as a lease date decide something monumental in our relationship. Living apart does not necessitate a loss in intimacy, but it could protect what is still very new and undefined. Good thoughts.
Second, I talked about my decision (although it didn't really feel like one) to accept SCL's apology and agree to give our relationship a second chance. I started crying and admitted, "I did it without even thinking that I might not." Ugh, I hate that. I was so happy he'd "come home" that I just agreed without thinking about it. I'd made it really easy for him to break my heart and have another opportunity to break it again.
She asked me how SCL had been meeting my needs daily, and I told her, "I don't know." I excused it, said he'd been in finals and I'd been out of town, but what I knew but was too embarrassed or ashamed to admit was that he wasn't. He has been opening up to me, being more honest and vulnerable, but as far as meeting my needs to feel loved, I'm not really seeing it so much. I feel in a lot of ways I'm just waiting for him to grow up and make up his mind. It's a precarious situation to be in with all of the uncertainty. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to wait.
Here are some things I took away from the session.
- I know what I want from my relationship with SCL. I want to feel like we are a team.
- My feelings about the situation are more nuanced than I had thought. I do feel some ambivalence about being with him.
- Maybe living apart would not be a bad idea. It would allow us to choose our path together. At the very least it would make things less complicated should I find myself broken-up with again. Sigh.
- I want to be known and loved. I want him to show me in small ways, not grand gestures.
- I want to be moving toward a committed relationship.
All helpful things to know.
SCL and I are planning to attend my session together next week. I'm not sure what we'll talk about, but I hope it will be effective for us to work through some of these issues together with someone else. Can I get a "hells yeah" for the awesomeness of therapy?