More Confusion than Clarity: Week Six of Therapy

Although less than a week had passed since my last session with C, I went in Monday afternoon with a helluva lot to say.

First, I talked about the apartment dilemma: to live together or not. I explained that I saw either as a big decision--that moving together implied long-term commitment whereas moving out and living separately indicated a breaking apart. She helped broaden my view on this--that perhaps not allowing something as arbitrary as a lease date decide something monumental in our relationship. Living apart does not necessitate a loss in intimacy, but it could protect what is still very new and undefined. Good thoughts.

Second, I talked about my decision (although it didn't really feel like one) to accept SCL's apology and agree to give our relationship a second chance. I started crying and admitted, "I did it without even thinking that I might not." Ugh, I hate that. I was so happy he'd "come home" that I just agreed without thinking about it. I'd made it really easy for him to break my heart and have another opportunity to break it again.

She asked me how SCL had been meeting my needs daily, and I told her, "I don't know." I excused it, said he'd been in finals and I'd been out of town, but what I knew but was too embarrassed or ashamed to admit was that he wasn't. He has been opening up to me, being more honest and vulnerable, but as far as meeting my needs to feel loved, I'm not really seeing it so much. I feel in a lot of ways I'm just waiting for him to grow up and make up his mind. It's a precarious situation to be in with all of the uncertainty. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to wait.

Here are some things I took away from the session.
  1. I know what I want from my relationship with SCL. I want to feel like we are a team.
  2. My feelings about the situation are more nuanced than I had thought. I do feel some ambivalence about being with him.
  3. Maybe living apart would not be a bad idea. It would allow us to choose our path together. At the very least it would make things less complicated should I find myself broken-up with again. Sigh.
  4. I want to be known and loved. I want him to show me in small ways, not grand gestures.
  5. I want to be moving toward a committed relationship.
All helpful things to know.

SCL and I are planning to attend my session together next week. I'm not sure what we'll talk about, but I hope it will be effective for us to work through some of these issues together with someone else. Can I get a "hells yeah" for the awesomeness of therapy?

11 comments:

  1. I think it'll be really good for both of you to attend a therapy session together. Let us know how it goes!

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  2. Hells yeah from me :)

    But seriously...I think it is great to know what you actually want!

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  3. Hells yeah! =D

    I think you know the answer to the living situation, but its hard to digest. I once asked the bf if he thought that if I moved out that it would mean we have broken up and he said not at all. While I was relieved because sometimes I feel like whoa wait a minute what the heck r we doing and I wonder if me moving out would me the end, I am glad to know its not!

    Good Luck with the combined therapy let us know how it goes =D

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  4. It's funny but I think I would want all of those points you mentioned in my own relationship. I think it's important to feel cherished, worthy, and that you're in a partnership.

    I'm really excited to hear about how the therapy session goes between the two of you! Yay!

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  5. You know what the answer is. He's not ready. And no matter how many therapy sessions you get him to go to, the only thing that's going to make him ready is being ready. This is even more clear based on your post. For whatever reasons, he is going through the motions with you. Maybe he really does love you. You can love someone and not be ready to make that heavy of a committment. Maybe he even wants to be ready. But until you're ready, you can't make yourself be ready. It comes from within. Either you really feel it or you don't. That doesn't mean all hope is lost. Your boyfriend is like a scared rabbit right now. The best thing you can do is leave him alone and let him figure it out without ANY pressure. And the best way to do that is to move out and start to cultivate a genuine life of our own. You moved there with him, which is kind of too bad. But now you have a career there, so you have to find a life there, too. Friends, hobbies, activities. Make him miss you, value you, cherish you. You pretty much have no other choice. And if he's not cutting it, move along. Don't waste any more time with someone who's not into it for the long haul if the long haul is what you desire. I know you love him, but that's really beside the point. A lot of people have loved people that weren't "the one". And stop reading all the books. Give it a rest, already. Because, honestly, you can read all the books you want. You can have a stack of books 10 feet high, but if he's not there with you, it really doesn't matter. He's the one with the problem, and you can't fix him.

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  6. Anon, you'll be glad to know that my current book is The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. Also appreciate you taking it down a notch on the asshole scale.

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  8. tell that boy to shape up or i'm gonna have to dropkick him when i'm out in d.c.

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  9. Ok Anon got a little harsh on this one. (And by a little I mean a lot). SCL isn't going to do all his changing overnight. No guy goes to therapy with someone he isn't committed to! It just might take a little time for him to be comfortable with the thought of forever, and then even more time for him to verbalize it :) I'm really happy you guys are back together, but I like the idea of living separately for now. My mom always told me not to move in with a guy until I have a ring and a wedding date!

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  10. BK, you should see some of the comments of his that I didn't post! And yes, I'm coming around to the idea of not living together. Going to look at some places this evening in fact!

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