I was planning to write a post about Mr. Executive Chef, a guy who seems to think I am God's gift to men even though we've never met. He is constantly contacting me, and even friended me on Facebook! Can you say "overkill"?
But, what I've really been processing is the night I had with Dr. Nutrition. I hadn't intended for things to take such a serious turn in our conversation, but it was as if as soon as I opened up, I couldn't stop myself from just vomiting my feelings all over the place. I put myself in a really vulnerable state with someone I hardly know, which is not atypical for me (apparently I cannot learn) but a little foolish nonetheless. At least I think it is.
What I disliked the most was my own insecurity in the situation--feeling anxious, unsettled, uncomfortable, awkward, and unable to look him in the eyes for more than a few seconds without laughing or averting my gaze. And I've been trying to figure out why.
For so long I felt insecure about my relationship with SCL. I felt like I wasn't quite enough for him, and I always worried that there'd be some part of me he'd uncover that would ultimately do him in. Living in this constant state of fear clearly has had an effect on me and I sense that I'm still living those feelings out and struggling to let them go. But, it means that I'm almost expecting Dr. Nutrition to do the same. Maybe not now, but surely at some point he'll realize I'm not the person he claims to see when he looks into my eyes. .
The fastest way for me to feel insecure is to think about Dr. Nutrition's passion for healthy living. He's super fit, runs marathons, refs soccer games, does triathlons, works on wellness, does yoga regularly, can do a handstand. Me? I like to hit the gym 4-5 days a week for an hour or so, reading magazines and watching TV as I do it. I hate running. I rarely lift weights. Yoga is my idea of torture. And I really, really like eating candy. At least in this area he's the superstar, and I feel pretty fucking average. I wonder if he really wants to be with someone like me who thinks luluelemon is a rip off and would rather drink margaritas than get a runner's high (which I swear to God does not exist).
And therein lies the problem. Self-sabotage. Why am I trying to convince myself that this guy doesn't like me when clearly he does? He wouldn't have asked me out 5 times in three weeks if he didn't. Everything he says and does indicates that he doesn't just think I'm ok, but really he thinks I'm fantastic. So, why the hell am I so preoccupied with figuring out what he probably doesn't like or what eventually he'll discover that he doesn't like? Is a way to prepare myself for some future blow to the ego? Why do I think I'm not good enough for him?
I wish I could just inject myself with some genuine confidence and self-esteem before these dates.
If I could say something to Dr. Nutrition right now, it would be this: I'm not quite where I want to be right now, but I know that I get there eventually. If I try to push myself into anything, I know I'll freak out and run away. So, the best thing is to keep taking this one day (and date) at a time. Will you be patient with me as I work through this stuff?
I honestly think his response would be, "Absolutely."