Anyone else obsessed with Sara Bareilles' new album Kaleidoscope Heart? I've been listening to it non-stop after my first encounter with SCL since the second break-up.
That's right. I saw SCL. On purpose.
My mom's birthday is coming up, and she always wants me to burn her CDs of my favorite music. I love it because it's inexpensive for me and I get to share what I'm listening to. Back in December SCL and I had purchased about 500 CD/DVD sleeves, and while I very well could have gone out and purchased my own, I thought, "Wait a sec, I bought those with him, so surely I can have a few." This morning I shot him a quick email about it, offering to pick them up whenever. About five minutes later he responded that he could drop them in the mailbox--or that he'd be there until 3 if I wanted to come over.
Shit, did he just invite me over? I think he did. I was already getting ready to go to the gym, so I figured I'd swing by there on the way. I debated putting on make-up, trying to cute-i-fy my old gym clothes, and then I thought, "Nope, going on with life as usual." I biked over and knocked on the door.
As soon as I saw him, my eyes filled with tears. I grabbed the CD sleeves and then turned around, ready to book it. "How are you?" he asked. "I'm really good, " I said, not all that convincingly. I managed to temporarily hold off on the waterworks. Then we started chatting. He told me about his classes, how he was finally going to the dentist thanks to livingsocial, and that he was *gasp* taking a motorcycle class. I guess not having the use of my car has him pretty desperate. But, it made me crack up. He's about the last person I could picture riding a motorcycle. His dad is planning a second knee replacement, his aunt and uncle (whom I love) celebrated their 30th anniversary, his mom is in the dark about the motorcycle class.
I told him about Dewey and my dating. I cried a lot, and he hugged me. The thing is, he is such a good guy, even if he's not the right guy for me. I told him how much he'd hurt me. I told him how much it sucked to have him block Facebook content from me--and he explained, "Well, I knew there'd be a lot of pictures of me from the wedding, and I didn't want them to show up in your newsfeed." (See post on said pictures.) And the "not wanting a future with me"? He said, "I know it sounded like I was rejecting you and I can't make you feel better about it, but it was me saying that I just wasn't sure what I want for my life yet." He said he didn't understand what had happened to him, but he had gotten to the point that he knew being in a serious, committed relationship with anyone is not something he's capable of right now.
He said he's been on a few dates--for practice, mostly. This made me laugh, mostly because I feel similarly. I think I'm more open to the possibility of a long-term relationship than he is. I asked about the obsession--he hasn't seen her and when they did talk once, he said she has basically lost her mind. I'm relieved to know he's not barking up that tree, not that it's any of my business.
We talked about our friends' wedding that he attended and I didn't--he let me know that he had, in fact, signed both of our names to the gift. Another good guy move. I told him how far behind I'd gotten in True Blood without his DVR--and I cried again. I felt so dumb, but it was one of those things that we shared. I admitted to him that looking back, I hadn't been happy in the relationship and that I knew in the long-run, I would've gotten tired of feeling insecure about it. And that I felt like I'd let myself become a boring person in the name of "becoming an adult."
I told him about the fuckburglar, our friends who are moving in together, getting kicked out of Dewey. We laughed. I said fuck a lot. I cried. I told him I hope he appreciates me one day, even if he can't now. He brushed my hair back and said, "I already do appreciate parts of you that I didn't before--how hard you worked and how you care about the world and the people in it." I told him when he's ready for his next relationship, I hope he can talk to her more. He saw his therapist in August. He might go back.
I needed to get out of there, not that I wanted to. He didn't invite me to his room to play the piano for me--though he told me he's still playing. He said if I ever needed help with something to call him, even though it's weird. He held me as I cried. I asked if he was glad I came over. "Yes, it's good to know that we can talk." I asked, "Do you think we'll ever be able to be friends?" He nodded. "Do you?" I said, "I don't know. I've never tried to be friends with someone who has seen me naked." He laughed.
"But, it makes me cry to see you." He wiped the tears from my cheeks and said, "Maybe one day it won't."
GOD I feel your pain.ReplyDelete
Sending you big hugs to get through this! Its torture isn't it?
I know one day you'll find someone who isn't able to watch you cry with out hugging and kissing them away.. and he totaly will not be the one making you cry!
I cried reading this post. It's so poignant and beautiful and moving and sad all at the same time. I am still crying and I don't know quite what to say except that I hope one day I can reach a kind of peace like this. I have hope though, that's something, right? Thanks to you. I like it that your big heart shines through in just about every post. Who could *not* appreciate that?ReplyDelete
*huge ginormous hug*ReplyDelete
Gosh seriously, sometimes I feel like we're the same person. I completely connected with this post on so many levels, most of which you know about.
I will tell you, even though I'm friends with the ex that I've told you seems like SCL I still find myself tearing up every once in a blue moon when he and I talk about the past. We've both moved on, both agree it was completely for the better but I've always felt that I lost a little bit of myself to him and that he'll always have that piece. It's incredibly bittersweet.
I'm mailing you something sometime this week by the way!!
This post made me sad. You'll get there. It just takes time.ReplyDelete
@Brittany, the whole situation is so bittersweet. I'm no longer angry about it, so it leaves me wide open to feel the pain and loss. I miss SCL's presence in my life, even if it isn't healthy or appropriate right now. I think I need to go back to no contact for awhile, but it's good to know that when I feel ready, he's there.ReplyDelete
@Spleeness, I cry when I read it, too! I attribute the peace I feel to Tara Brach. For real. Listen to her podcasts, read her book, she is amazing at guiding people through accepting life as it is. Thanks, I feel like I have a big heart, too! SCL once said, in response to me asking if he loved me as much as I loved him, "I don't think I could--my heart isn't that big." I think he does appreciate it. He's just not mature enough to be in a place of committing to it.
@Krysten, I'm so glad you said this. I feel like the "goal" shouldn't be to stop thinking about the person as if they never existed. I would be worried if I stop caring about someone who'd been a huge part of my life for years. But, I do hope that in time I can choose to think about it or not, and that seeing him doesn't immediately bring tears to my eyes. On another note, I can't wait to see what it is! :-)ReplyDelete
@Katie, it makes me sad, too. He's a good guy, and I miss him.
I have been dealing with some grief and loss lately (I'll post more details in my blog sometime today), and my boyfriend said something that helped a little. He said you never really get over it, it just gets quieter.ReplyDelete
Nice post. I find that it's easier to cut people out totally until it stops hurting. And I'm realizing that sometimes it never stops hurting. And even thought I miss them a lot at first, at least I'm not hurting myself every day. And it does get better.ReplyDelete
I love this post! It made me tear up! I feel like I/We/readers are on this journey too (is that creepy lol?) & this here post is what "we" needed haha Ok I am starting to creep myself out! Gotta go!ReplyDelete
@International Woman of Mystery, I agree that it is easier, but I'm not sure in the long-run that's what I want. I don't have much desire to see him again anytime soon, but I hope in time we can find a new way of relating to each other. I have no idea if it'll happen.ReplyDelete
@Nicole, Awwww, I'm so glad you said that. I definitely feel a real sense of community on here, and it's great to have readers/fellow bloggers who've been with me the whole journey. Definitely not creepy at all. :-)
I'm a new reader, but I wanted to say that I enjoy your writing... and I applaud you for being able to put such difficult things down in words.ReplyDelete
And you sound like a very kind, forgiving person. I think it's almost harder, sometimes, to get past all the initial anger and hurt and resentment to that place where you can once again see the good parts of the person who hurt you...
@Doctor's Wife, glad you are reading, and I will follow you back. I definitely struggle to be forgiving, but it is so much easier to let hurt go than carry it around.ReplyDelete
this post made me feel nostalgic...had to wipe back a tear or two....you say maybe but i say surely...one day...and one day sooner than you expect...you will see him and you wont cry...i promise (from experience)ReplyDelete
Kudos for sharing. These things take time to get over...ReplyDelete